Use your heart, not your head
by Macca Fan
Summary: Trying to deal with all of your emotions isn't easy, as Delia finds out.
1. Different homes

I was pleased. Over the moon in fact. Beyond proud, when she finally became a qualified midwife. Though I knew something would have to give. Things would change. The eternal optimist in me hoped that it wouldn't be our relationship, but deep down I always supposed it would. For a start off, she'd be moving out of the nurses accommodations, away from me. She'd no longer be simply across the hall from my room. Patsy assured me nothing will change. I knew she really believed that. It did though, inevitably.

I started seeing less of her. I never once blamed her. Blame never even factored into it really. What with my night shifts and her early starts, it was unavoidable. I lived for the moments that we could see each other. If being together wasn't difficult enough, a stolen moment here, and there, but the lack of physical contact was the most challenging of all. I don't consider myself a jealous person, but I began to envy my fellow work colleagues. When I saw them stepping out so freely and openly with their chaps. Watching a kiss even being planted on a cheek made me feel forlorn. Pathetic really, but I longed to feel my Patsy's lips touch my cheek. Even for a brief moment, would be something. I knew she felt the pinch too, but she is far greater at holding her emotions together than I am.

One particular Thursday, We both had the evening off. I was practically skipping around the ward. Even with a full bed pan in my hands. I couldn't get to the coffee bar fast enough that night. I can not explain the feeling that washed over me at seeing her figure in the distance, leaning against the wall as she smoked her cigarette.

'Pats?!' I called out with so much unfiltered joy in my voice.  
Hastily, she dropped the half smoked cigarette with complete abandon. Radiating such a smile as she spoke my name. Grabbing my hand tightly, I could feel her warm skin against my rather cold palm. Her soft fingertips began to rub gently over my knuckles. Well that was until two other coffee bar dwellers decided to leave at that very moment, and she let go of my hand faster than I could blink. The pair didn't even acknowlege us as they walk past until Pats mumbled, 'Good evening.'  
My heart sank but I was used to it by now. Once they were out of sight she finally lifted her head to look at me again. Shaking mine, I continued on inside with her close behind me.

Sipping my milky brew, Pats began to talk of life at Nonnatus house. Speaking of another case of the missing Battenberg cake. I began to zone out. Not because I was uninterested. I was never bored with what my Pats had to say but I had missed her being so close. Okay, she was just sitting opposite me. Trying to act casual in a stiffened pose. Almost adorable really if it wasn't so very heartbreaking. I began to focus solely on her lips. Her full, plump, delicious looking lips. I so wanted to lean forward and capture them with my own but I didn't. She began to notice that I was staring and shifted in her seat.

'Pats?' I asked my voice laced with desire that she easily recognized instantly.  
She'd heard that tone many times before. A little smirk appeared upon her perfect lips, but faded rather to quickly when she remembered we were still in the coffee bar. My heart sank again for the second time that evening. She had a sly glance around hoping that I wouldn't see but I did. I couldn't let that go without a little jibe. There was being careful and there was being ridiculous. She was being the latter.

I said as much, 'I didn't know the fine people of Poplar can now read minds!' To which she frowned feeling foolish, I'm guessing.

'Deels.' She replied her voice apologetic. It wasn't like I was sitting in her lap! (Now there is a thought!) Anyway, I gave her a deep sigh.  
We'd been sitting there for half an hour, and not so much as 'I've missed you' or 'Shall we take a walk?' crossed her lips:

There is a rather discreet ally way near by. Not the most romantic, but when you've had zero touch, it feels almost poetic. The converstation began to turn back to a suitable coffee bar disucssion. The topic now was the music hit parade. Don't get me wrong, I love music. Adore it even, but what I adore much more is Patsy's hands wrapped snuggly around my waist, while she's kissing me. I needed her touch. Craved it. Reaching out I cupped my hand over hers. Her hand was held for seconds until she retracted it. I couldn't bare it any longer and stood to my feet.

Watching me with mild panic, she followed me, 'Ready for our fish and chip supper?'  
I wasn't. I had lost my appetite.

Walking along the ally way, I slowed my pace in the hope that she would redeem herself. Make a grand romantic gesture now that we had some seeming privacy. With each cobble stone I walked over, it was becoming apparent that she wasn't going to take me in her arms and kiss me. She glanced at me, twice in quick succession. Did she really want me to make the first move? Yet again? Ordinarily I would of been more than happy too, but not tonight. Tonight I want her to make the first move. It shouldn't always have to be me should it? Looking up at the night sky, no kiss came.

With only Pats having a cone of chips, I remained quiet. Unusual for me and she noticed. She kept offering me a chip with a big smile. Taking only one, we continued to walk back to the nurses home, with her making light chatter, and occasionally nudging me with her elbow.

'Are you not hungry?' She smiled down at me, and every trouble that was rattling around my mind could of melted away but they didn't. I only shrugged off her question stating it was tiredness. I was tired. Tired of her not being just that little bit braver, when it came to showing me more affection. I understand we have to be careful, but most girls, who are friends. Link arms when walking down the street. I haven't seen her for days and just a few loving words would keep me going until we had the next night off together.

I'm not sure if she wanted to sneak up to my room, but I didn't give her chance. I stopped outside the main doors.

'Night Pats.' I told her rather deflated walking away, and she grabbed my arm tightly stopping me in my tracks.  
The way she looked into my eyes, I could of sworn she could see right into my soul.

'I'll think of you all through the night.' She whispered in my ear. Her breath sending a tingle throughout my whole body as she kissed my cheek. I could not hide the wide grin that took over my whole expression as she walked away. Watching her go into the distance I believe she took my heart with her.

A/N - I have often wondered, what prompted, Delia's 'living like ghosts' comment, in series four: So after reading all your wonderful works, I decided I would try and write some of my own. There will be quite a few chapters. Thank you!


	2. The usual spot

Another long arduous week was over. I hadn't seen my beloved Pats, but tonight was Saturday, and we're meeting at our usual spot. The silver buckle coffee bar. Yet again, she was waiting for me outside, smoking a cigarette. This time she continued smoking as she said her greetings. The way she exhailed the smoke made me think she'd had rather a trying day. Which I'd get to hear all about in a little while.  
Smiling at her, I began to fill the silence. I made an off handed comment about the whereabouts of all of the other nurses tonight.

I told her, 'All the girls are teasing me Pats. Calling me a bore! They're all off to the picture house tonight. They wanted me to come along but I refused them. I told them, I had already made plans.' I chuckled watching Patsy's eye brow raise.

She seemed very intrigued, 'You mean that all of the nurses are at the picture house? That the nurses house is practically empty?'  
She smirked as she threw her cigarette to the floor. Still chuckling, I played naive. I wanted to know just what my nurse Mount was planning.

'Yes. They all headed out just before I left.' I replied, and before I knew it she took hold of my wrist and we began walking off at a fast pace. No cups of tea for us, or tales of another empty cake tin. We were heading back to my room.

Once inside, I began to take off my coat while Pats pushed the three giant thick text books against the door. I always kept them close to the door. Force of habit from the days that Pats was just across the hall.  
We didn't want to be disturbed by anyone walking in. I was just about to switch on my bedside lamp but she stopped me. She reached forward and almost knocked me from my feet as she grabbed a hold of me, for a deepen kiss. I loved it when she used her heart and not her head. Once our lips parted, she pressed her forehead against mine.

'Hello.' She gave a stifled giggle.  
I knew what she meant. It was more of a warmer welcome for an absentee lover.  
Unbuttoning her coat, she sent it sailing onto the near by chair. Standing only a few inches away from me, she linked our fingers together. Taking her time to look at me, as if she was soaking me all in.

'You look beautiful.' She spoke softly, to which I replied, 'I know how you like me in this dress.' with an added smitten giggle.

'I don't just mean the dress.' She tilted her head and with my free hand, I petted the side of her face. What I really wanted to do was run my fingers through her soft red hair. Almost instinctively, she began to remove the kirby grips that held her hair in place. Discarding them beside my lamp, she shook her hair down and I watched as it gracefully fell to her shoulders. Quite a vision. My heart began to pound in my chest. I had never seen anything so magnificent. She was all I wanted on this whole earth. Pressing my lips against hers, my hands soon found her hair. Glorious red coloured tressels between my fingers. Her hands had quickly found my bottom. As she squeezed it more firmer, her kisses became more fevered.

We both needed this. We needed this close contact. Beside I was quite the fan of unrestrained, passionate Patsy. She only came out on rare occasions and I was the only one to ever get to see her.  
I found myself beginning to lose control as she began to hitch up my dress. I wanted to keep my cool long enough to remember these moments. They seem to go so quickly when lust and devotion got involved and I didn't know when we'd get another moment such as this one. I wanted to keep it. Store it in my memory for a cold long, lonely night.

Soon enough, we were skin on skin. Heat on heat. It felt perfect. She felt perfect as her breasts were up against mine. Her tongue colliding with mine. Hands roaming anywhere and everywhere they could.  
The one detail that will forever be in my mind came from Patsy. It may have been the freedom of knowing that no one was around. No one could hear us. My lover let the sweetest, sensual moan escape from the back of her throat. It wasn't muffled into my neck. Let out into my kiss or hidden by the back of her hand. She let it flow. She let me hear it, full voice. She wanted me to know exactly how I was making her feel. It was so sensuous, I found myself blushing. Found myself more aroused. Our last meeting seemed all but forgotten.

Entangled together, which was always my favourite place to be. My dear Patsy simply couldn't remove her lips from my lips. Not as though I had any complaints. I always feel devoid when I'm away from my Pats. We must of been kissing for another half an hour until Patsy broke away to look at the clock. Squinting in the darkness to make out the time. We came crashing back to earth when she sighed,  
'Do you think the film will be over by now?' She was of course referring to the nurses.

Circling my fingers across her arm, I let out a puff of breath, 'Pats, can we just stay here for a little bit longer?' My voice completely imploring as I continued, 'You know they always go for a Babycham, or two afterwards.' This seemed to relax her slightly as she snuggled back into me.

'I've missed you.' She said embracing me tighter, 'How have you been with work?' She asked rubbing her nose against my cheek.  
I cherish the times we can really get to talk. I told her about the day to day comings and goings of life at the London. She remembered it well. Being sure to mention one very friendly old man, 'Yes. Mr Iris has taken quite the shine to my backside.' To which her eyebrows went sky high. 'It started off as a gentle tap and by the end of the week it was a right old squeeze.' The laughter in my voice did not get rid of her frown.

Feeling her hand trace down my thigh, until it cupped my bottom, she mused, 'I hope you told him that your backside belongs to me.' She finally let a chuckle leave her lips. 'Oh right? Is that so nurse Mount?' My smile beamed. 'Yes!' She nodded as she gave my bum another grope. Finding my lips, we kissed again. I felt giddy with delight.

After she kissed the top of my head, she sat up. I felt the same old pull on my emotions when I knew it was time for her to go.  
'I'd better get dressed.' She told me as she gave a half smile. I could see it in her eyes that she didn't want to leave either.

As she found her underwear, I found out my bottle of Johnnie Walker. Along with two drinking glasses. Blazingly strutting round without so much as a stich on as I poured the drinks. I could feel her watching me. When she licked her bottom lip, it only encouraged me to go on playing the temptress. Leaving the drinks on the bedside table, I leaned up against the wall.

'Tease!' She pretended to pout as she reached for me around my waist. 'Don't act like you don't love it!' I wagged my finger in front of her face.

Giving me a quick peck, she continued on in her mission of trying to put back on her clothes but I wasn't going to make this easy on her. As she sat on the edge of my bed trying to button up the front of her pretty dress. My lips had somehow attached themselves to her neck. I delighted myself in the feel of her hair brushing against my face and the sweet aroma of her perfume. With just the faintest hint of bleach. I heard a tiny moan creep past her full lips, as I used my tongue to lick against her perfect jaw line. Repeating the action, slower this time. A whimpering coo came from her. I knew I was stirring her up again but I didn't want her to go. Guiding me round to sit on her lap, I wrapped my legs around her as she kissed me. 'Mmm Pats.' I moaned into her mouth between kisses.

Once we both needed breath, She let out a sharp exhale. Trying to compose herself once again. Nose to nose, she smiled at me. Without saying a word, I slid back onto the bed as she playfully tapped my bum as I did so. Giggling, I thought it was time I put on my nightie. Leaning against my pillow, with my glass of Johnnie Walker in hand. I watched her in front of the mirror as she put her hair back into place.  
Soon resembling how she first looked when she arrived here, I sprang from the bed and couldn't resist kissing her neck again. Well, what with her hair being out of the way, it was an open invitation. As I kissed, she took the glass from my hand and had a sip. I could feel the alcohol being swallowed down as I kissed. That sensation sent butterflies right down to my stomach.

As she placed her hand in mine, we both sat on the bed. Even though I had poured two glasses of whisky. We ended up sharing the same glass tumbler. As our eyes met. The look on her face told me all I needed to know. She had to leave. Lingering by the door, she cupped my face with her hands, 'I love you, Deels.' she exclaimed her tone honeyed with tenderness.

'I love you, Patience Mount.' I really did.

It was heartbreaking as I watched her move aside the text books from the door. That only felt like moments ago that she'd just placed them there. Giving me another smile, along with a sigh. She slid out of the door. I was alone once more and already missing her. Clicking on my bedside lamp, I let out a loud dejected sigh of my own as I flopped on my bed. Staring into space until I noticed something on the ground. Getting up for a closer look, it was my Pats silk scarf. It must of fallen from her coat as she threw it down earlier. With a wide smile, I held it close. Bringing it up to my nose, I let my senses take in her scent.  
Climbing under my bed covers, I clutched her scarf and closed my eyes. Least I had something of hers to cling too through the night.

 **A/N -** Thank you all for the reviews.


	3. Walnut cake

I think you already know what I'm about to say. Only this time it's only been three days since we had been together in the nurses home. We're meeting again at our coffee bar. Yes! That's what I call it now. Our coffee bar, because we're always there together; Me and Pats.  
Tonight though I was running a little late. I hurried through the streets, egar to see my girl, but I stopped right there in my tracks. When I saw she wasn't alone. She was smoking with her friend, Trixie. Sure, I felt disappointed. Angry even, but least I still get to see my Pats. That is what I kept telling myself as I approached. Trixie spotted me first and gave me a wave. I did smile when I noticed Pats becoming more  
animated when she noticed me.

'Hello Delia.' Trixie smiled warmly touching my arm, as Pats bit her lip with a smirk as she too said, 'Hello Deels.'

Making our way inside, Trixie took it kindly upon herself to go order the hot drinks. While me and Pats found us some seats.

In a very hushed whisper, Pats told me, 'Sorry Deels, Trixie asked me if she could join us for a coffee. I think she's rather at a lose end tonight.' My Pats looked conflicted as she explained. Torn between our sacred moments together and her friendship. How could I stay mad at her. For one she looked so adorable in her check shirt that I could see sticking out through her open coat. Two, It's her kindness towards others that made me fall for her in the first place.

Smiling widely at her I said, 'It's alright Pats.'

Double checking no one was watching, Pats placed her hand on my bare knee and gave it a little squeeze. We must of been lost in the moment because before we knew it Trixie had returned with a tray full of three coffee's and three slices of cake. This caused my sweet Pats to become so startled. That when she removed her hand from my knee at such a speed, she knocked the back of her hand against the underneath of the table. Which made her winch with pain and caused Trixie to look at her rather perplexed. With a shake of her head, the blonde started the conversation rolling as I held in a giggle. Flashing me a playful pout, Pats giggled too.

'We all work so hard that we deserve this slice of cake.' Trixie smiled handing out the three plates.  
Looking at Patsy pulling a frown at the sweet treat, she asked, 'Oh? Is this Walnut cake, Trix?'

To which Trixie had a frown of her own appear now, 'Yes! Why?' She bristled up.

'Deels doesn't like walnut cake.' Patsy replied to a loud, 'Oh.'  
I adored the fact that Patsy had remembered. I hoped my cheeks weren't as red as they felt.

'It's Okay Pats.' I smiled proudly. 'Sorry Delia. I should have asked you first. Just that we always enjoy Mrs B's walnut cake. That is if we're able to get a slice before Sister Monica Joan calms it all for herself.' Trixie has a slight chuckle.

'Shall I order you another cake?' Patsy asked clearly fussing and I was enjoying every single moment of it.  
'No. I'm alright.' I nodded taking a sip of my coffee to hide my smile. 'Are you sure because they'll exchange it.' My dear Pats smiled.

'Patsy! Leave the poor girl alone! She said it was quite alright.' Trixie sighed taking a bite of her own cake.  
'How about some music then?' Patsy left her seat with Trixie calling behind her, 'Now that is a good idea.'

The evening was most enjoyable. Trixie was great company and helped me with my loving teasing of Pats. She only stayed for two coffee's and told us her copy of vogue was calling her. She asked if Patsy was joining her to which she replied, she would be having another coffee. Blowing, both of us kisses, Trixie left us to it.

We sat in comfortable silence for about five or ten minutes. Just happy to stare at one another until Pats smiled, 'Hello.'

Teasing I said, 'I think you told me that two hours ago sweetheart.' Rolling her eyes, Pats smirked, 'You know what I mean Deels.'

'Yes I do. You Fool.' I laughed as I felt her hand return to my knee once again.  
'How is Mr Iris?' She smiled, 'Behaving himself I hope?' She asked much more seriously.

She always loathed wandering hands on the ward, but especially if they were aimed at me. Once I recalled, this one patient wouldn't let up. Even when I gave him what for. It only seemed to spur him on. I shouted a string of insults, some even in Welsh. That only made him smile wider. That was until my nurse Mount taught him a lesson. As he reached for my bum for the countless time that afternoon. My Pats swiped the back of his hand so hard, the sound seemed to echo around the ward.  
'That stung!' Was all he could muster as he held his own hand.

Once Patsy had finished with her very stern telling off, he never bothered me again. I gave my Pats a very big treat that night; We had been window shopping on one of our days off. She just happen to mention about a pink lace bra she had seen and thought how I would look rather fetching in it. I asked her, how much thought she'd given to the matter of me in a pink lace bra. Her red blushing cheeks were all the response I needed. So without her knowing, I purchased the underwear. I was keeping it as a surprise for her and that night, felt as good as any. She told me later, as she held me in her arms, 'I was right about the lace bra.'

I liked her caring; 'Mr Iris wouldn't so much as look at me today.' I leaned forward, checking no one was paying attention.  
'Hm? Why was that?' She licked her bottom lip as she was watching my lips all the while I was talking.

'I moved out of his way, even before he had chance to so much as lift a finger.' I chuckled wishing I could kiss her right now.  
'Good. Because you know I could always stop by the ward and rescue you.' She lowered her voice in a flirting manner.

'Now who is teasing?' I pushed her gently, 'Though I do wish that was a promise.' I said a little more solemnly than I intended.  
Looking at me now with sadness, I changed the subject. I didn't want to burden her with my worries. She was facing the same struggle I was. We were missing each other. A few hours here and there, were proving to be difficult. I was finding that I was pining for her more and more lately.

Soon another hour had gone by all too quickly. Walking along the back ally, I pulled out her silk scarf from my coat pocket. By the time I was returning it to her, it smelt more of my perfume than it did hers.  
'I thought I'd better give this back to you.' I handed it to her and without missing a beat, she held it up to her nose just as I had done.

'Mm your perfume is on here.' She closed her eyes with every word. 'You left it behind the other night. I've been...holding it. while I sleep.'  
I confessed suddenly feeling a little shy. Smiling, she took me to her and pressed the softest kiss to my wanting lips.  
She offered to walk me home but I didn't let her. I don't think I would of been able to let her go if she'd had seen me to my room.

 **A/N -** Thank you again for the reviews! This chapter was rather short but sweet (I hope). The next one will have a bit more emotions. I'm off to Wales soon, so hoping all the lovely fresh air will be some inspiration. x


	4. Photo of my Pats

Four long days have passed since I've heard my Pats voice. I could call it moping, as I'm lying here in bed at something past one in the afternoon, but I was on a late shift last night. Luckily it was quiet, though that doesn't help when you long for a distraction. Anything that doesn't give me time to wallow in self-pity. I keep imagining her lips. Those perfect, plump wonders could bring me to my knees. Clutching my pillow in frustration, I let out a bit of a howl. At times such as these, I usually take comfort from looking back over letters and notes she'd written me. Nothing suggestive or erotic is penned on the pages. Just a few lines about a nightcap or meeting for breakfast. She used to push notes under my door at night. Sometimes I'd hear her sneak to my door and she'd be lingering outside, for what felt like hours before she finally pushed the folded paper through. It was like she'd be in two minds about sending it or most likely building up her courage. I'm not even sure if she knows that I've even kept them. I just didn't have the heart to throw them away.

The letters are from when she first moved away to live at Nonnatus house. The front of the envelopes are always blank. She's never once wrote my name across them. I used to find them in my handbag once I returned from one of our outings together. Those letters are of course longer and a little more personal, well as much as my Pats could muster on paper. The most wanton speaks of her longing to hold me in her arms but her handwriting is so closely joined together, that on first glance the words are hardly legible.

Ambiguous, yes, but the words are still there nevertheless. Some of her written communication doesn't even close with her name. Just a few dozen kisses or the letter 'P' with about four kisses. Today though these aren't enough and besides I've already read them all two times over. Reaching across to my pile of books, I grab one tucked in the middle. It's Breakfast at Tiffany's; Pats also happened to buy me this book, but I have no intentions of reading it now. What I'm after is tucked tightly between the pages of the book itself. My photo of Pats. Only she's still Blonde in the photograph. She is alluringly beautiful with any hair colour but she is rather gorgeously refined with her blonde locks flowing about. I said that too, about her red hair, that she looks ravishing. I want my Pats anyway she comes.

Turning on my side, taking my blanket with me. I started to pine over her picture. My eyes focusing on her delicate features and they soon fixed upon her lips once again. Mercilessly, my mind began to replay our passionate kisses. As if I was tormenting myself, I could almost taste her upon my own lips. Tugging at the blanket, I let out another deep sigh.

Staying like this until well past two o'clock. I decided to go take a nice long hot bath. Feeling a little like myself again, I found some of my colleagues who were in their rooms. Talking of work, play and entertainment. I enjoyed their company. Laughing as we flipped through Sophia's stack of Picturegoer magazines, a particular film caught my eye. 'Midnight Lace.' A mystery-thriller. I could picture it now, me and Pats in the back row of the darkened picture house. Grabbing her hand tightly as the film reveals it's suspense. I'll be sure to mention it to her.

Spending the rest of my evening with nurse Sophia; watching record after record spinning round on her turquoise coloured, dansette. The fellow brunette was egar to learn Welsh curse words. Which I was only too happy to oblige. Least it was a little educational, I chuckled. Sophia dreams of the countryside. Stunning views and fresh air, so this friendship was an easy one to make. She oftens tells me her dreams of running a farm in Wales. My response is always, 'My Mam would adore you.' Glancing at a picture stuck on her wall of James Stewart, I begin my naughty Welsh lesson. Least my smile is genuine for the rest of the evening. Not that it really wasn't before but I had to force myself to 'think' happy! Rather heavy handed with the Johnny Walker, the mood and everything we said made us burst into fits of laughter. Watching her dance about all silly to one of her old records, 'Pennsylvania 6-5000' I had tears streaming from my eyes. Part of me wished that Pats could be sitting here too, enjoying the fun but I tried not too dwell.

With the night drawing to a close and a rather early start looming. I decided to go back to my room. Tucked under my left arm was my almost empty bottle of whisky. In the right arm was a vinyl record, to help with my ache of Pats. It's title was, 'Like strangers.' Sometimes that is how I felt. Strangers, or perhaps ghosts. Going around unnoticed. Maybe Pats felt that way too? Maybe she didn't? Talking about her feelings was something she struggled with. I'm only too glad that when she does want to discuss her emotions that it's only me she truly turns too.

Left with my dreams again tonight, I begin to picture us dancing. Not a light shuffle but rather sensuous movements, played out to a jazz tune. Flirtatiously zestful as Pats holds me close. Eye to eye and amorous. With the booze in my system, I quickly fell to sleep that night.

 **A/N - Thank you for the reviews. They do mean alot to me. This chapter I just wanted a slice of Delia by herself. Oo also if you wanted to check out the song, 'Like Strangers' by the wonderful, 'Everly Brothers.' It's rather a good listen. It was the B-side to, 'When will I be loved.' Next chapter very soon. x**


	5. Haddock and chips, with marrowfat peas

After Cubs, When I got Pats all to myself; I was excitedly telling her about the 'Midnight Lace' movie that I want to watch with her. Just finishing off my haddock with the last of my marrowfat peas. She nodded with a smirk, popping a chip into her mouth. Her enthusiasm wasn't exactly overwhelming. Shooting her a look that was clearly telling her, 'We're going to watch this film.'  
She smiled wider, Of course she knew I was being playful with her. Pats didn't care what film we watched as long as we were together.

Scrunching up the empty chip newspapers, I discarded them in the dust bin of the Nonnatus house kitchen. Washing my hands at the sink, I noticed Patsy quickly get to her feet. Glancing around the empty room, she too threw her dinner away. I teased that she still had quite a few chips left but she didn't much care. She leaned closer at the sink and whispered, 'Trixie is still on call. Want to go upstairs?'  
The playful mocks just had to continue on that comment, 'Why nurse Mount what kind of girl do you think I am?' I replied in a hushed tone. Realising how her offer sounded, she began to blush as she muttered, 'To my room. Do you want to sit in my room?' Loving watching her squirm, I nodded, 'Thought you'd never ask.'

Once in her shared room, her hands found my waist as I ran my hands over her green Akela uniform. After placing a sweet kiss on my lips she sighed a contented sigh, telling me, 'I've wanted to do that all night.' She smiled before returning to my lips. She tasted like a sweet mix of barley water, chips and a faint hint of cigarettes. Almost nose to nose, standing on my tip-toes, I smiled, 'When can we go see the that film  
Pats?'

'Soon. I'm sure.' She half shrugged, wanting my kisses more than a converstation right now. 'When?' I insisted leaning away from her mouth. Raising her eye brows, she exhailed, 'I'll have to check the rota.' She smiled again before capturing my lips. Feeling her tongue lightly pressing it's way into my mouth, I heard a moan from Patsy's throat making my lust step up a notch. Her roaming hands soon settled upon my breasts. 'Oh Delia.' She spoke right into my ear filled with pure desire. Nuzzling into my neck, her hands began to fondle my chest and now I found myself crying out with pleasure: It's not that I wanted her to stop but for once caution had found it's voice in me. After all, Trixie or anyone else could just stroll in. I too wanted to make the most of our alone time but not here, not right now. 'Pats?' I said, as she grabbed my bum.

'Mmm Delia...' She sighed with warmth. Kissing her lips, I stepped back. The look on her face was a mixture of confusion and mild panic.

'I didn't...squeeze you...to hard did I?' She glanced down to the floor, rubbing her own arm, with remorse. I really did love her!  
I moved forward back into her arms, 'Of course you didn't sweetheart.' I kissed her lips, 'It's just it's getting late and...' but she began to speak over me, 'You don't have to leave just yet do you?' She asked downhearted. The look in her eyes was so bereaved that I had no choice but to stay a little bit longer. Who needed sleep anyway!

'I promise to keep my hands to myself.' She gave me a side smile as she kissed my cheek.

'You can put your hands wherever you like Pats but..' I giggled until she butted in again, 'Just not right now. I understand.' She firmly nodded not before giving my backside another cheeky feel. 'Oi!' I faked as she sat herself down on the bed. Following her, I watched her light up a cigarette. The smoke seem to dance in the air after it had left her lips.

Lying beside her, we cuddled in silence for awhile. It was nice just to feel her near. No words were needed to be said. Until a yawn escaped me and she noticed. 'You're getting tired?' She then kissed the top of my head.

'It's alright.' I faked and to be honest I did not want to leave her side. 'Come on Deels. I'll walk you home.'  
Before I could utter another word, she had already shuffled to the side of the bed and stood up. With a stretch, she gave me her hand. Pulling me up from the bed, she embraced me. 'You stay here. I'll see myself back.' I told her with my mouth close to her shoulder.

'No. I'll walk you.' She held me tighter. I adore my doting Pats. 'No!' I told her firmly, because this could go back and forth like this if one of us wasn't firm, 'You're home already.' Watching her eyes, I knew she was about to argue but I raised my eye brows and she knew she wouldn't win.

'Okay. If you're sure.' Her perfect features turning out a frown as she held my hand. Holding my hand as she walked me to the bedroom door, she kissed the back of it before placing a kiss to my lips. Letting my hand go, as she walked me to the front door. I reminded her of our film plans. 'I'll look now for my next free night.' She smiled stepping into the cold night air. 'Go back inside. You'll freeze.' I pointed.

'No. I want to watch you walking away.' She whispered pulling at my coat before checking no one was around.

'Miss you already.' Oh and I did.

'Miss you too. Always.' She whispered as I started to walk home. Keep glancing behind me with a wave, She shouted, just before I was out of sight, 'Goodnight Deels.' Placing my hands into my coat pocket away from the coldness, I felt something in there. Pulling out the soft material, I couldn't help but grin. It was Pats silk scarf that I had returned to her a few night ago. She must have sneakily placed it in there during Cubs. The scent of her perfume lifted on the wind and I placed a kiss to the garment. Once I got home I held it again as I slept.

 **A/N - Thank you again for the reviews. The next chapter is my favourite and hope you'll like it too.**


	6. Out with it

PART ONE.

To say that I was excited about finally going to the picture house with Pats, was a bit of an understatement. She was picking me up here at the nurses home. I'd even got myself a new shade of lipstick. I was out to impress my Pats:

Hearing a knock on my door, I shouted, 'Come in Pats.' As I turned the volume down on my music that was blasting out.

'Hello Deels.' She greeted me with a smile, 'Hello.' I smiled as she closed the door behind her.

'I must say you look rather lovely.' She gave me a squeeze, to which I replied, 'Thank you.' As I swooshed my dress in my hands.

'Ready for the film?' I continued about to grab my bag, when the smile on her face faded rather too quickly.

'Oh? Yes. About that?' She sighed like whatever she was about to tell me was something I didn't want to hear.

'Out with it Patience Mount?' I frowned folding my arms.

'You see...Yesterday. It was surprisingly quiet and Sister Julienne gave me, Trixie and Barbara the night off. So...Trixie thought it would be the perfect opportunity for us all to go watch a film. She had wanted to see 'Ocean's 11' with the 'Rat Pack' but all the tickets had sold out. So... Instead she opted for 'Midnight Lace.' I'm sorry Deels.'

My red headed lover stood there sheepish as she explained the events to me. She knew she was in for it! 'WHAT!?' I snapped. More than ready to unleash my fury. 'Sorry.' She repeated with a bow of her head.

'You knew how I wanted to go watch that film with you!?' My voice raising in volume. 'Trixie insisted.' She muttered, She knew that wasn't a real excuse. 'Oh and of course you went along with it! I bet you never even suggested another film, did you?!' I knew I must of looked stern but at that moment I didn't care. I was looking forward to that and I felt like she had let me down.

'Sorry. If I could of invited you, I would have.' She bit her bottom lip glancing down at her shoes. That may of been true but that wasn't the point. 'It's not the same Pats and you know it!' I huffed as she attempted to move forward. Seeking my forgiveness. She tried to hold me but I pushed her off. 'We can still go. I don't mind watching it again.' She touched my arm but I shrugged her off.

'No. It's ruined now.' I tutted.

'How about we go see 'Ocean's 11' instead?' She smiled as she watched me take off my coat.

'No!' I snapped. I'm pretty sure my blood was boiling!

'Or another film perhaps?' She still tried, sensing my mood was bleak. 'I don't want to see a film anymore.' I sighed as I began to take out my earrings. As fear took over her expression, she still tried to save our evening, 'How about we go for a bite to eat?' She tried to smile.

'Great! Some fish and chips! How romantic!" I scoffed. I don't know why I said that. Okay, I do. I was angry and I didn't mean it. I really did enjoy going to the chip shop with her after we'd been out somewhere. I saw her forlorn pout at my words but I was hurting.

'No. Not fish and chips. We could take a bus and go somewhere special? What do you say?' She tried to muster up another smile.

'No.' I huffed. Ordinarily that would be more than perfect but it wouldn't quite feel the same. I would want her to take me to a nice restaurant because she had wanted too, not because she had let me down and was trying to get back into my good books.

Deep down I knew it wasn't all about the film. I was feeling...well, kind of neglected. Tired of having to hide. Tired of stolen moments. Tired of feeling like ghosts. It really hurts to know that we can only be our true selves behind a closed door. Now wasn't the time to tell her how I was feeling. I was too mad!

'Are you sure? Because...' She started to speak but the look I gave stopped her in her tracks. Sighing, she said, 'I am sorry Delia.'

'Yes. I'm sure you are.' I was sarcastic as I pulled out my bottle of Johnny Walker and one glass. Looking at me, she tried a light tone of voice, 'Goodness. That was almost full the last time I was here.' She also removed her coat.

'I didn't drink it all to myself if that is what you were thinking Patience!' I sneered pouring the last of the whisky into my glass, 'I had help. Sophia.' I half shrugged as she frowned. 'Sophia? The nurse who you're helping to give Welsh lessons?' My Patsy grimaced. I could sense by her tone that jealousy had clouded her thoughts. I just nodded as she went on, 'She was here in your room?' She asked trying to make her question sound casual. 'No. I was in hers.' I drank my drink as Patsy shifted her weight as she stood.

'I bet the other nurses helped themselves to a glass too?' Her smile was forced.

'No.' I shrugged again feeling kind of awful but also a little smug.

'No, as in they didn't help? Or no as in you two were alone?' She arched her brow. 'We were alone.' I placed the glass down with a thud. 'Oh.' Patsy folded her arms looking rather crestfallen. Watching her most likely run through different scenarios in her mind. I relented. Slightly.

'You wouldn't be jealous now would you nurse Mount?' I tried to keep my voice steady but a tiny smirk appeared on my face and she caught it. Wearing a smug look of her own, she replied, 'Me?' Placing her hand to her chest, feigning astonishment at my very question.

'Yes.' I finally gave in, showing her a full on smile.

'Besides.' She shrugged, 'I have nothing to worry about. She's not even tall.' Finding that answer rather puzzling, I raised my eye brow, 'What does height have to do with it?' I chuckled to her.

'She's only what...' She pondered, seeming giving great thought to me only poking fun, '5'4" tall? Not your type at all?' Shaking her head firmly. 'Oh? Is that a fact?' I grinned as she snaked her arms around my waist, pulling me into her, 'What is my type? Posh, red heads?' I teased her. Squinting her eyes at me with mock outrage, she leaned in, her lips almost touching mine, 'Exactly.' She giggled kissing me.

Her lips felt so soft against mine and part of me wanted to forget our spat. My pride on the other hand wasn't so egar. With my ego winning out this one, I stepped back. Making a little whine of disapproval that I had left her embrace, my Pats pouted.

'You know?' I still goaded, throwing the empty bottle of whisky into my waste paper pin, 'Being that height, 5'4. Would be about the right size for me to share a kiss.' I watched her closely. My voice laced with sarcasm as she scowled. She knew I was sending her up, 'I wouldn't even have to stand on my tip-toes.' I stared at her as she still pouted, 'You're mean!' She reached for me again, not before lighting swatting my shoulder with her hand. Kissing her this time, I cuddled into her as our lips roamed. Resting my head against her, I uttered more seriously, 'You know I've always found reaching up for a kiss far more romantic.' It was true, I did.

'I told you, Delia, You like a tall woman.' My Pats giggled at being right.

'Yes, Pats. You know me all too well.' I pecked a kiss into her neck.

'Does this mean I'm forgiven for the film?' She just had to ask. Way to spoil my mood, and no. She wasn't.

Leaving her arms again, I flopped down onto the bed. Biting her lip, Pats asked, 'A drink?'

'All the Johnny Walker has gone.' I shrugged as she turned her attention to my chest of draws. Pulling open the top draw, she was on a mission.

'Nurse Mount what are you doing in my knicker draw?' I couldn't help but laugh as she moved on to the next one.

'If I know you Deels, You'll have something stashed away.' She noted still rooting about.

'Bottom draw.' I laughed as she flashed me a grin over her shoulder. Finding out a bottle of Advocaat, She waved it proudly.

'Mind you Pats, thats been in there for awhile now. I think it was left over from when you lived here.' I frowned slightly as she came to sit  
down beside me. 'It will be fine.' She pointed for me to get her a glass too.

 **PART TWO SOON.**

 **A/N - 'Midnight Lace' is rather a good movie, staring the wonderful Doris Day. Frank and the rat pack are amazing as always in their film too. As for this chapter, I wanted to set up the scene before sweet Deels, explains more of her inner thoughts. Thank you as always for the reviews. They give me a writing boost! x**


	7. Full of delights

**PART TWO**

We sat there in silence as we both sipped at our Advocaat. With Pats occasionally glancing at me. I did wonder what was going through her mind. She seemed to go off in deep thought as she cast her gaze around my room. As I moved to scratch an itch on my knee, She suddenly broke the still of the quietness.

'Did you know that when I first saw you, I don't think my heart had ever beaten so fast in my life.' She confessed with a breathy sigh as she brought the glass up to her lips for another drink. Rising slightly from my lolled position against the headboard, I looked at her. It felt like a million butterflies were running amuck inside my stomach at her sweet admission. Though, Just as quickly as she had spoken with such openness, her next words were typical of my beloved Patsy. 'What did you have for breakfast this morning?' I couldn't help but grin. Who else would switch a flow of conversation like that? 'I had porridge oats, with two scoops of strawberry jam. And you?' I replied.

'Strawberry jam on toast.' She smiled at me so warmly that I just had to grab her hand.

Taking that as an encouraging sign, she moved across the bed. So now she was spooned up tight against me as we lounged. 'Pats?' I spoke gingerly as if my words were to be given any weight at all that they would somehow dissolve. I longed for her to tell me more of how she truly felt about me. I knew she loved me. That I was the most important person in the world to her but it was nice to hear it from her lips sometimes. Especially on the rare chance that we got to be alone. Usually the look in her eyes was more than enought to suffice in a crowded space. It was a very secret language that me and Pats only knew.

Her love is more valuable to me than any gold or hoard. It's just how can love grow and flourish when it has to bloom in the darkness? These questions were all rattling around my brain. I tried to push the doubts and uncertainties aside. I wanted to hope. I needed to believe. After all it was never my feelings for my Pats in question. It was everyone else and their unpleasant views on our kind of love.

'You know I am deeply sorry about the film Deels.' She seemed genuinely sorrowful about it but that wasn't on my mind at that second.

'Was it good?' I huffed, backing out on talking about what was troubling me. 'It had Barbara on the edge of her seat. She did keep on turning to me, whispering what she thought would happen next. Until Trix, told her to Shh!' She recalled with a half smile.

'Glad somebody enjoyed it.' She quickly glanced at me, her smile fading instantly thinking she had upset me again.

'Deels. I do hate it so when you're upset with me.' She squeezed my hand tighter in her own. I also hated when we were cross with one another.

'There is something that could cheer me up?' I said as she suddenly became more energized, 'Yes?' She briskly leaned in closer.

'Would you put another record on?' I smiled as she rolled her eyes. When she was just about to get up, I pulled her back with a loud giggle.

'That does it Deels!' She whimsically sounded as she went right for my most ticklish spot on my ribs. 'Pats?...Pats.' I tried to reason as her fingertips did her work. Finding myself, on my back, wriggling down the bed trying to escape her as I found myself doing a belly laugh. My Pats had soon found her way on top of me in all her mischievousness. Straddling me now, I could feel her hips moving against mine as her tickling moved to under my arm. 'Pats...please.' I cried out with such laughter as tears filled my eyes.

'Okay. I'll stop.' She raised her both hands in the air until a devious smirk came across her lips and she dove for my ribs again. In a flurry of laughter, I needed to breathe. Panting slightly, she stopped her fun but who was I kidding I was rather liking it. Seeing fun Pats.

Catching my breath, it was my turn for a random thought, 'Pats do you remember the hospital laundry room?' Looking down at me with a quizzical eye, she nodded, 'Yes. All those clean sheets?'

Running my hand up and down her sides, I went on, 'Do you remember feeling my bum in there?' I went a little coy as I was suddenly more aware of her still sitting on top of me now. 'Yes. Which time in particular are you referring too sweetheart?' Her voice was more husky, laced with desire and I noted she had slipped in a 'sweetheart' too. Always nice to hear.

'The very first time. Could you recall it for me?' I double blinked staring lovingly into her big blue eyes, 'With words.' I quickly added not to confuse her wandering hands. 'Well my wonderful Delia... It was not long after our first kiss, and you just simply couldn't help yourself and you followed me into the laundry cupboard...' I had to stop her because it was the other way around. She in fact followed me in there!

'Nurse Mount, do tell it right. You know you sneaked in after me.' I giggled as she leaned closer to my face.

'Hmm..I believe I did. You were bending over to the lower shelf and I simply could not help myself. You looked so inviting that my hands wound  
up about your backside.' She too chuckled.

'I think I went as red as your hair but you were a blonde back then.' I pecked her cheek with a kiss.

With another chuckle, I saw a glint in her eyes. I knew where her hands were headed, back on my ribs! Trying to squirm free as the tickles reined down, I writhed a bit too much and I heard a cracking noise coming from my shoulder. 'Ow!' I called out through a giggled haze. Instantly stopping her movements, she climbed off of me, with concern, 'Oh Deels. Are you alright?'

The distress in her tone was very sweet as I rubbed at my arm. Explaining to her that I jerked my arm at work, pushing a bed back to the ward. I must say, I felt a warm feeling inside when the caring nurse in her came out as she was examining my shoulder.

'I've always told you that you need to be more careful. You're strong, but those darn beds are cumbersome.' She told me in a stern but caring fashion.

'Thank you, nurse Mount.' I smiled as she let my arm go.

'You're quite welcome, Deels.' She bibbed my nose with her finger.

As I moved forward, I felt a jolt of pain and a little cry escaped again. Looking as she, shuffled backwards, sitting with crossed legs, Patsy patted the space on the bed in front of her. Doing as instructed, I sat. Soon feeling her hands massaging my shoulders, I closed my eyes. It did feel rather relaxing have her kneading away at my tense muscles. She told me as much, 'You're poor shoulders are all taut.'

'Most likely yours are too sweetheart, with how hard you work.' I praised and I didn't need to turn my head to know that she was smiling. My Pats really did work hard. 'No more than you.' She replied her tone filled with pride.

'You should probably take your shoes off if we're not going out. Then you can really relax.' She added as I was losing myself in her movements. Turning my head slightly at her words, she uttered quickly, 'Unless you've changed your mind?' Leaning more into me as she spoke.

'Do you want to go out?' I think we both knew that I really didn't but I had to ask. As it was her night off too and I would of happily gone out with her if she had wanted too. Not to the picture house though!

'I'm rather enjoying just being here with you if I'm honest.' She kissed my cheek. Cupping my hand over hers as it rested on my shoulder, I had to agree. 'Only thing is though, we have no food in here.' I pondered.

'We could sneak into the kitchen area?' She pecked another kiss to my neck this time. 'Why Patience Mount, you risk-taker, you.' I teased.

'It's not like we haven't done it before, Deels. It's not like more importantly, you haven't done it before.' She teased me back with flirtation.

'Well that is dinner taken care of.' I laughed as her hands began to work their magic on my shoulders again. As a light moan left my lips, I heard my Pats trying to stifle a little one of her own. I think I was working my poor Pats up. Purposefully doing it again, then again; The fourth time she caught on that the last sigh might have been a bit put on. Not that it wasn't a nice sensation but I do love teasing my Pats. Shoving me slightly, I yelped, as we both had to giggle.

'Be gentle Pats. I'm sore.' I playfully pouted.

'How about going gentle with me.' She replied. 'Maybe later.' I pressed my lips to hers.

Without a word spoken, be both lay down. As Pats fluffed up the pillow under her head, I made myself comfortable against her chest. It was just so nice to lye with her: I must have dozed off because the next thing I know I'm waking still in her arms. She must of sensed that I had stired as she softly spoke, 'Enjoy your sleep?' Running her hands through my hair, I told her, 'Yes, but I couldn't have been much company for you? Unless you fell to sleep too?' I smiled up at her.

'No. I was quite content just watching you slumber. You do make the most adorable sleeping noises.' She beamed a wide smile but a grumble from my stomach was my only reply.

'Oh on that note, I'd better go and get us some food from the kitchen area.' She began to move from the bed as I pouted. I wanted to hold her just a little bit longer but she knew I was clearly hungry. Watching her put back on her shoes, I offered to go fetch the food for us.

'It's fine, Deels. I remember where it is. You relax. I'll be back in a moment.' She kissed my lips before heading for the door.

Reclining back against the bed, I let out a happy stretch. The film seemed not as important as it had done earlier in the evening. I guess all that really matters, is that I'm with Pats.

It wasn't long before my Pats returned, hurrying into the room with her arms full of delights. Placing the food items on the bed, that she'd placed in a tea towel. I eyed what treats she had poached for us. While she pushed the text books by the door. She had managed to find two boiled eggs, two slices of bread, half a scotch egg, one scone and a cream bun. Quite the feast!

'We might be able to get away with everything but the cream bun.' Patsy told me as she sat herself down on the bed, 'You'll most likely have to replace that. I couldn't resist it though. You needed a treat.' She gave me a sweet smile.

'You're my treat.' I leaned over our food bounty to press my lips to hers. With a faint blush creeping over her cheeks, we began to eat our meal. I happily began to talk about day to day things. She asked me what books I had been reading lately. What my Mam had to say in the many letters she had sent me. What vinyl record was I wearing out on the dansette. When was my next Welsh lesson with Sophia, I only stuck out my tongue at that one. Sharing the cream bun, she giggled at me with a shake of her head. Unknown to me I had jam upon my chin. Reaching out her hand, she gently wiped it away. Looking at me more deeply now, she gave me a coy glance. I didn't need to read her mind, her expression betrayed her. She too lived for moments such as these.

Glancing over to the clock, we both knew that soon she'd have to head back. I simply could not hide the disappointment. It was written all over my face. Nothing needed to be said, she just began to caress the side of my cheek. I could feel her thumb across my ear and her fingers laced through my hair. Seizing my lips with her own. I found much needed comfort in her kiss. I wanted to tell her that, I didn't want her to leave. It only seemed like she had just arrived! Upon reflection, what would of been the point. So I chose not to say a word. I let myself enjoy the kiss. As her lips still rested against mine, I began to realise that we'd been like this for some time. I guess rushing home was not such a priority for her after all.

Going against my own desires and wants, I had to put her first. So with much reluctance I broke the kiss. Without missing a beat, she leaned closer again and we resumed kissing. Fighting the feeling of her fingertips skating lightly up and down my back, I moved my kiss to her neck. Muffled, I asked, 'Pats?' She may have thought it was a moan because I got no reply. So I tried again, this time trying to form words, 'Pats, it's getting late.'

Stopping briefly, her attention went towards the clock, ticking away our precious minutes together. With a shrug that could only be described as half hearted, she uttered, 'Guess I'll have to be a little late then.' The smile she gave would be forever etched into my memory. With the absolute care, she held my face between her delicate touch as she brought my lips to hers once more.

She was late home that night but neither of us really cared. We just kissed the night away as it were. I of coursed offered to walk her back but it was her turn to tell me a very firm 'no!' I insisted that I least walk her to the front entrance. That she didn't mind. We lingered there for a few moments. Standing a few inches apart. If someone was to see us, they would believe that two girls were simply stood there gossiping. As she glanced down to the ground, I knew any second she would begin her walk home. I was right. Touching her arm, before she left. I stood and watched. Turning back around, she called, 'Remember to call by the clinic tomorrow for those posters.' As if I'd forget.

'I'll see you there. Goodnight.' I waved. Waiting there until she was out of sight, I pulled my coat tighter around me against the night air. As three fellow nurses were just returning from the local pub. They assumed I had just also returned and I didn't put them right. Linking my arm, we all went in. I joked that they owed me a pint.

 **A/N - Thank you for the reviews on this. x**


	8. How very gourmet

With the square dance a completely success. There was one hiccup, but nurse Crane seemed to have it all in hand; Enough money was rasied for the Cubs trip. I did get a dance, of sorts with my Pats. In my vision of it though, there was not half of Poplar along side us. I didn't catch his name but a rather older gentleman with a very long white scraggly beard, danced with her more than I did. Trixie hardly left the table where the punch bowl was set out. I don't recall her handing out any drinks, but maybe she figured people might take more than their fair share. Photographs were even taken. Pats was very interested in obtaining a copy of a photo that was taken of us together. The end of the evening was my favourite. Everyone had gone and Pats and myself said we could handle the clean up. They trusted nurse Mount would be the one to get the hall looking back to how we first found it. Barbara had offered to lend a hand but we assured her to join Trixie on the walk home.

Sweeping the floor, Patsy called me over, it was time for her to have a cigarette break and for us to drink the rest of that bourbon I had bought. She did look rather lovely in her red and white checkered dress. I had too force the smile on my face to go away each time I saw her. Holding out a plate of food that was left over, She gave me a smile. Reaching for a sausageroll that now tasted rather stale after being out at room temperature for too long. I chewed with a down turned lip. Noting the same expression appearing on Pats cute face, I found myself smiling at our shared food experience.

'I don't think these rolls can be saved nurse Mount.' I said in a serious tone of voice, 'We'll have to let the cook know that they didn't make it.' I joked my voice faultering into laughter as Patsy chuckled too. 'How very Gourmet.' She sarcastically quipped back. Through my giggles I shrugged, 'I've never eaten anything gourmet in my life.' Quickly turning to me, her face fell with disappointment.

'Unless you count my Mam's roast dinners? They can be pretty impressive, especially when we have family over.' I nodded proudly. I can say what I want about my Mam, and believe me sometimes I do, but you can never say that she can't cook. One thing I do have to admit, is that I miss her cooking.

'We'll see what we can do about that.' She stated placing down the plate of food.

'What? About my Mam's roast dinner?' I smiled as she glanced down at me with 'oo you!' eyes, that I like to call them.

'No. About you accompanying me up West to sample some wonderful tasting gourmet food?' The way she took in a deep breath, you'd think that I was going to tell her no. Still teasing, 'Why nurse Mount are you asking me on a date?' I batted my eyes putting a hand to my mouth as she nudged me playfully.

'Well...What do you say Deels?' Her eyes went wide. Did she really believe that I'd refuse?

'I'd love too.' I bowed my head realizing my voice was filled with so much joy, 'There is nothing I'd like more cariad.' I may have blushed.

Looking into her eyes for a very long moment, she took another sharp intake of breath before she spoke, 'Do you...ever surmise..No.' She shook her head but I wasn't going to let her back out of telling me what was on her mind 'Surmise, what sweetheart?' I encouraged.

'That I'll ever get to meet your mother?' Her shoulders rose and fell in seconds, as all words left me at that very moment. We'd never really given it much thought before; I must have been silent for too long because, my Pats shook her head again.

'It was a silly question.' She painted a smile upon her face, to anyone else would have looked like a real one, but she doesn't fool me.

'It isn't a silly question and I'd like you to meet her.' She glanced at me with watery eyes as I continued, ' Maybe one Christmas I could invite you home. I could tell my Mam that I want to bring a friend with me.' I pondered just picturing showing up back home with Patsy on my arm. So to speak. Giving her a tour of my old bedroom, there may still even be a picture of Lauren Bacall stuck up on the wall. As her voice brought me from my daydreams, 'That does sound rather wonderful. We could even perhaps, purposefully get rather lost in the woods after a gentle stroll.' Her smile seem to light up her whole face. 'Is that right?' I chuckled. Giggling was her only reply.

'You'd love to be stuck in Wales, snow up to your knees.' I ran my finger along her arm noticing the fine hairs standing up on end as I did so.

'As long as I have you to keep me warm.' She blushed. 'So...Are you going to pour some of that fine bourbon?' She muttered quickly. Pouring the drinks, Patsy occupied her hands by lighting up a cigarette. Part of me did wonder if she was trying to distract herself from any physical affection. No one was around, and we could most likely share a kiss.

'This is rather strong.' My Pats began to swish the alcohol around in her glass.

'Light weight.' I just loved to poke fun, didn't I? Narrowing her eyes, She blew smoke into the air like a film star. 'I could drink you under the table nurse Busby!' By her tone, she was quite firm on that. 'I'd like to see you try. By the sixth glass you'll be drooling all over yourself.' I laughed at the very thought.

'Very becoming, I must say. Though you are very much mistaken my dear Deels. You will be the one speaking Welsh and unable to stand upright without the help of me to support you.' Patsy nodded using the discarded plate of food as a make shift ashtray.

'Have you considered what I said about you giving up those wretched things?' I asked very sincerely. I know she loves a 'good smoke' as she puts it, and I didn't want to badger her about it all the time. I know how I can dig my heels in over something if my Mam keeps berating me, but hopefully she knew I was coming from a very caring place.

'Way to change the subject, Deels. You're just afraid that I could challenge you into a drinking match.' She rattled the glass nearer to my face.

'I'd still win but, seriously now who wants to smell like an ashtray.' Okay! I should have phrased that differently, because the look that Pats was now wearing, showed me that she wasn't at all amused. I don't think my dimples are going to get me out of this one.

'Not you of course, my sweetheart.' I tried to butter her up with my sweetest voice, but she still glowered. Let me make one thing clear, my beloved Patsy only ever smelt of soap, bleach and expensive perfume. The faint hint of cigarette smoke only seemed to improve the fine medley of aromas. Just smoking, I believe is not good for you!

'Pats?' My tone inviting, my hand finding a place on her knee, as I leaned in closer.

'Nice try, Delia.' She lifted my hand up and off her knee. 'Your apology won't be said through risque means.' Blast it! She knew all my antics only too well, but it couldn't hurt to try it again.

'I won't apologize for only caring about you..' I pouted trying a different tactic first off. It was working and of course it was true, but her expression softened. 'I guess loving someone means loving everything about them, even if you don't like it. I'll put up with your smoking habit...for now.' I was firm on that as I moved my hand back to her knee. This time she let it stay there. As she leaned forward, I was willing her lips to press against mine, but she stopped suddenly.

'Guess you wouldn't want to kiss an ashtray either!?' She smirked. I deserved that sarcasm. Going to lean in again, she put her cigarette to her lips instead. Casually blowing smoke, she still grinned.

'Now you're just being cruel.' I pouted, my voice sounding more like a giggle. Stubbing out the cigarette in the half eaten sausageroll, she smiled at me. Watching her take a sip of Bourbon before she touched the side of my face. Then she finally kissed me.

'I did only mean well, Pats.' I truly did.

'I know you do.' She smiled before giving the scarf that was tied around my neck like a sort of bandana, a firm tug. 'I never had the chance to say earlier this evening, but you do look rather fetching.' Her eyes gleamed with a mixture of love and lust.

'Thank you, kind miss.' I tried my hand at my best fake cowgirl accent but I sounded more Welsh than ever. She giggled again into another kiss.

'Come along, Deels. The hall won't clean itself.' She tapped the side of my thigh as she stood.

Once we were done, she told me she wanted to walk me home. This time I didn't tell her no. Arm in arm, we slowly walked back to the nurses home.

 **A/N - Thanks for the reviews. x**


	9. Two pretty ladies

After the thrilling evening of the square dance, my good mood took a turn. I was working the late shifts, which meant there was no time for anything, let alone meeting my Pats. It had been over one week, since I had seen her last, and that just wasn't good enough! (It really isn't!) I was getting use to that, once the sun was rising, I knew it was my bedtime: Thank goodness, I'm working days again.

With my nights now free, me and Pats planned to meet at the coffee bar. I must confess, I'd had a bit of a bad day already. Which didn't help matters. Then I found out, that there had been a small fire in the laundry room where she had been working. I couldn't even so much as hold her hand to comfort her. There had been two men sitting close by and to make matters even worse, of all the nights the coffee bar was crowded. My emotions were all pent up and they all came spilling to the surface. I even snapped at one of the men when he asked, if he could buy two pretty ladies a slice of cake. It wasn't even about him. I just needed somebody to take my anger out on. Unfortunately, it just happened to be him. I sure left him looking very confused, as I stormed off out of there.

I also left Patsy behind. I couldn't stay in there any longer. She too, may have been a little bewildered. The way I had been feeling, so despondent. I had not told her, and my words may have sounded harsh. When I said to her, that I felt like we were ghosts, and I questioned about doing what everyone, especially my Mam is so bloody insistent on. The look that was present in her eyes was fear. She grabbed for me to stop and look at her, She asked me what I wanted. I explained, that yes! I did want to get married, to her. The fool! But we can't. So that is that.

I continued to walk on, leaving her standing there bemused in the ally way. She shouted after me, but once she had caught up to me. We both remained silent. After all what could really be said? There was a new kind of tension between us suddenly. Or maybe from me: I returned home with a soundless Patsy by my side. Once the text books were pushed against the door, still wordless she started to unbutton my coat for me. Bringing her lips to mine, we kissed. I guess all that was really left for us to do that night was make love, and that is what we did. Nothing was solved or magically fixed. Nothing was even discussed, deep down I was almost glad about that. I didn't even stay held in her arms after the ecstasy of the moment was through. I left her embrace, and just slipped on my nighty. Patsy then cuddled me from behind as I sat upon the edge of the bed. placing kisses on my shoulder.

She began to make small talk, of how tomorrow she had to put up posters with the nuns, for the Cubs, Halloween night. Running her fingers through my hair as she told me. Turning to look at her, I sighed, I asked if she really needed me to be there on Halloween night. She told me a very firm, Yes! I just nodded to her. Since I had promised to see the Cubs with their lanterns, it wasn't fair to let them down. For the remainder of the night, I was still quiet as Pats filled up the silence. Before she left, I held the side of her face and took a long look at her. She is always so beautiful.

With the lantern parade quickly upon us. I still had no words, other than speaking to the Cubs. Patsy knew I wasn't myself, and she pulled me aside. Even with the Cubs, nuns and people around. That was a real moment of courage for her. I know how closely guarded she kept her emotions in front of others. Staunchly she told me that, we are not ghosts and that we will find a way to be together. She actually held my hand. With a crowd of people only inches away. No words I have, can express what that simple gesture meant to me. It felt like recognition. That our love was real and had a voice. Funny how something so straightforward like holding hands, for most couples is taken for granted. So feeling her hand wrapped around mine, felt nice. Normal. Then and there, I knew she absolutely would truly find a way for us to be closer together.

To my surprise the very next day, while I was sitting on the outside bench of the kitchen area. Needing a bit of fresh air from work. I noticed a very familiar figure walking toward me. It was my Pats. Holding in her hand, a picnic basket. A smile spread across my face so wide that I could of easily been mistaken for the cheshire cat. As I greeted her, 'What do I owe this unexpected pleasure?'

'Hello Deels. I thought you might care for a spot of lunch.' She smiled so proudly, 'It's been quite awhile since we have shared lunch together, while we've both been at work.' She took a seat besides me, 'So I decided to change that, by making you some sandwiches.' She nodded.

'Lunch with you is a wonderful idea, but how did you know that I was out here?' I smiled as she touched my hand.

'You always liked to sit out here before we went to eat our lunch.' She knew me well, 'Yes.' I chuckled as she began to unpack the sandwiches. The two of us would often be at this bench, chatting away as she smoked, while I was munching on an apple. Many good memory's here. Perhaps that is why, I still sit out here.

Taking a bite of the cheese and cucumber, housed deliciously in two slices of bread, I asked, 'Won't the nuns notice you're not eating with them today?' Wiping the corner of her mouth on a napkin before she answered, she told me, 'I'm on district rounds today, and I found I was finished a little earlier than usual. With the kitchen free, I made our lunch before Mrs B needed the area. I left a note on the table, explaining I was taking my lunch with you.' Her tone matched the amount of love that was clearly displayed in her eyes for me.

'Thank you, Pats.' I smiled, we both knew my gratitude wasn't just for the lovely picnic. Nodding, she reached into the basket again.

'I have lemonade.' She waved the glass bottle with pride as she fished out two glasses. Holding the tumbler for her as she poured, I peered into the basket, with a gleam, 'Is that a bag from the bakery shop, I spot in there?'

'You would be correct, Deels. After all I know how to spoil my girl.' She looked down coy, as she took a sip of her lemonade, 'It's a custard slice.' She added.

'Mmm my favourite.' I practically licked my lips, subconsciously Patsy licked hers too and that sent a tingle throughout my body, 'I know.' She replied with a nod, referring to the cakes.

'What's that, in that brown paper bag?' My eye brows arched with curiosity as I glanced at her.

'It's a present.' She said simply, 'We'll get to that after we eat.' She continued eating another bite of her sandwich. Leaving it at that, my mind wondered on what she may have got me. The shape of it looked like a 45" vinyl record. I don't recall, telling her about a song that I wanted. My inquiring mind went into over time.

After enjoying that rather tasty cake, Patsy was telling me about her day. Throwing her cigarette to the ground. She finally picked up my present, with a big beaming smile, 'Is someone rather anxious to know what I have brought them?' She teased playfully.

'Not at all.' I joked, not very convincing I might add.

'Oh? In that case...' She pretended to put it back in the basket but I held her arm. Placing the brown paper bag, tied around with string on my lap, I smiled at her before glancing back down to my present.

'When did you buy me this?' I asked her.

'While on my rounds this morning.' She replied, but as I went to open it, she stopped me. 'Delia.' Her voice sounded more serious so I looked at her and listened, 'You know I don't always find it easy to show how I'm feeling. I just assume that you know how much I care about you, love you. I need to tell you more often, just how much I adore you. You know me, so instead of hearing me go all tongue tied, I thought the words of this song, sum it all up. I love you, Delia.' She explained in a hushed voice as we were so out in the open. I could feel my eyes start to well with tears, as she gave me the nod to open my gift.

Carefully pulling at the neatly tied string bow, I slid the vinyl record from the bag, and egarly glanced at the title. 'Let it be me.' By The Everly Brothers. Happily greeted me, 'Oh Pats!' I sounded rather astonished as I flung my arms around her. I knew I couldn't hold on for too long, but I was pleased to feel her squeeze back as tightly. 'You're welcome.' She tried to sound chipper but her voice was also cracking with emotion.

'You can think of me, when you listen to it. For the times that I am unable to be there, but know Delia I always, so want to be.' She whispered before she broke the embrace. 'I love you.' Was all I could reply, equally as quiet. Staring down at the 45" in my hands, I didn't feel like 'ghosts' anymore.

Picking up the watch upon her uniform, she let out a sigh, 'Gosh, lunch has gone so quickly today. I...must be getting back.' She sighed again as I touched the back of her hand. I knew she wanted to stay but work was calling.

'Thank you, sweetheart. Lunch has been lovely.' I told her as she gathered up the picnic basket.

'Perhaps, I could see you tonight?' She glanced down to the ground, with a blush appearing on her cheeks.

I very much wanted that too, I needed to thank her properly for my present and for the lovely picnic.

'Shall we meet at the usual place?' I asked as I walked with her to her bike.

'How about I just come over to the nurses home?' The blush in her cheeks turning a deeper shade of red. 'See you tonight then.' I smiled as she climbed onto her bike.

'See you tonight.' She repeated, as we lingered there. Both of us were desperate to lean in to each other for a kiss, but we had to resist. We could do plenty of kissing tonight. 'Bye, then.' She nodded with a half smile. 'Bye.' I waved as she began to peddle away.

Turning behind her, she waved again before she rode off. Taking in a deep breath, I clung onto my 45" and skipped back into work.

 **A/N - Thank you all again for the reviews. They do make me smile. If you would like to listen to 'Let it be me.' I thought the words fitted rather well for Pats and Deels. Oo as for the first bit of this chapter, I wanted to make it all a bit hazey, because I figured we all knew the episode well enough. Who could forget, one of Deels stand out lines, 'We don't like cake!' Next chapter soon. x**


	10. Rent allowance

Once I returned from my lunch, some of the other nurses were in a bit of a tizzy. Before I even had chance to ask them about it. Sophia came bustling over with the news, that some sections of the nurses home were going to be shut down. We all knew that the building was in need of many repairs. It leaked when it rained, and everytime you went for a bath. The tap rattles and creaks so loudly that it sounds like it may shoot off at any second. Plus Martha swears she saw a mouse or a rat, she wasn't quite sure, running around near to the toilet. It was only when I heard the words 'rent allowance', that the converstation really perked my interest. Could it really be possible to rent a little flat all of my own? Could I even dare myself to dream? With not much time to ponder about it, with a full days work ahead. I just went about my usual day.

The day had me rushed off my feet, (no change there then.) My feet were aching, but none of that really mattered. All I could think about was seeing my Pats again this evening. I don't think I've ever rushed so quickly to get ready before. I was in and out of the bath in no time at all. I did take longer deciding what outfit Patsy would like me in best. The winning garbs were my knee length skirt, which is a lovely dark grey colour, matched with my light pink blouse. Adjusting my beads: I kept my hair down, because I know it pleases my Pats so. When a knock came from my door, leaping from in front of the mirror, I went to answer it.

My rather delighted expression must of greeted her causing her to smile wider, as my Pats stood there holding a bag of chips. The smell radiating upwards was a pleasant one. I was rather ravenous.

'Hello Deels,' She gleamed as she practically skipped into the room, 'I have brought us some food. I knew you maybe a little hungry.'

She placed the wrapped newspaper down upon the top of the chest of draws, with another smile she slipped out of her coat. For a change, I was the one pushing the text books up against the door, when I felt her loving arms wrap around me from behind. A little coo left my lips. I adored feeling her strong arms around me, as she kissed my cheek.

'How was your day?' She asked as she released her grip. Before I even had time to reply, she said, 'You look tired.' Not the compliment I was after, but I know she only cares.

'Flattery will get you everywhere, Nurse Mount.' I jibed giving time for my eye brows to return down from under my fringe.

'Oh, I don't mean it like that, sweetheart. You always look alluring.' She inched forward, taking my hair in between her fingers.

'I'm just teasing, and you're right. I'm bloody worn out.' I chuckled, as her face fell with sympathy.

'Is there anything I can do?' Her sweet face offered, I knew whatever I replied, she would do. Bless her.

'You just being here is enough.' It was true. Her smile was so warm and comforting before she kissed me.

'Some food, may help.' She nodded leading me by the hand, to take a seat upon the bed. So we could share the bag of chips.

'Oo...You remembered my marrowfat peas.' I told her delighted. They really did make the chips taste even better!

'As if I could forget.' Her tone was filled with pride, as we both dipped a chip in the peas at the very same time. Causing us both a loud giggle.

'Is that a new check shirt, Patience Mount?' I eyed her up, very approvingly.

Glancing down at herself, she acted a little coy, 'It might be.' Always demure, my Pats. 'Do you like it?' She asked, pulling lightly at one of the little white buttons.

'Very much.' I grinned, my turn to tug at one of the fastenings, as she blushed, 'I might have to take a closer look just to be sure, mind?' I giggled as my thumb worked loose the top button. I couldn't help but notice, the sight of her black bra peeking through. My breath suddenly became more shallow, as she cottoned on to what I had just seen.

'Something that interests you there, Delia?' She smiled rather smuggly, but she looked far to enticing for me to say anything clever.

After our chips and flirtatious giggles, we lay out together on top of my bed. My Pats had been looking through the collection of books, I had picked up this week from the library. She read a few lines aloud from the poetry book she was holding.

'You make everything sound better, the way you read it. I could happily listen to you for hours.' I praised, as I danced my fingers over her chest.

Suddenly reading poems didn't hold us anymore, and she looked at me. Staring into my eyes with passion. Finding her lips pressed on mine. The kiss rather rapidly heated up, and the book ended up thumping to the floor. As her hands found my breasts. Feeling already sensitive there, my response was of pure pleasure, as my knee bucked of it's own accord as I groaned deeply into her mouth. This must of sent a shock wave through my Pats, because I quickly found her hand going under my blouse.

'Oh Delia.' She moaned in a whispered reply. The next hour was a passionate blur.

Re-dressed once again, we were happily listening to the dansette. Though my mind did keep playing over the thought of having my own flat. Ideas of me and Patsy coming and going as we pleased, without raising any suspicions from colleagues and alike. I even began to wonder if we could get away with buying a double bed, when I heard Patsy's voice bringing me from my daydreams.

'I get the distinct notion Delia, that you are not listening to me?' She smiled with no annoyance to her tone.

Returning the smile, I began to play with a record sleeve.

'Something on your mind?' Her concern clear to see, as she linked my hand with her own.

It sounds stupid, or perhaps it doesn't but when you really want something. Long for it, wish with all your might for it. Surly wanting anything that much, leaves pleanty of room for disappointments. I'm scared to believe even for a second that me and Pats could find our own sanctuary. Besides I need to find out about the rent allowance before I get ahead of myself. For now I won't say too much.

'Not really.' I shrugged but she wasn't having none of it. Her voice said it all, as she called, 'Delia?'

Kissing the back of her hand, I smiled, 'I'm just thinking of how run down this place has gotten lately.' I shrugged again.

'Well I can not say I'm surprised. The rooms were pretty bad, even when I lived here.' Patsy replied, breaking loose the grip on my hand to change the song over.

Watching her flip over the vinyl, she carefully placed the needle to the grooves, 'Hmh...I don't believe I've heard this one.' She noted almost to herself as she sat back down. This time even closer to me, as she placed her arm around my shoulder, 'Would you like to see a film on our next night off? You can pick the film and this time, I promise I won't watch it with anyone else until I have seen it with you.' She smiled with a firm nod.

'Sure.' I replied.

'Delia if your tired of this place.' I quickly turned to look at her thinking she'd magically read my thoughts, I had to smile to myself as she continued, 'We could go take a walk together, or perhaps we could get a coffee and a slice of cake?' Her whole face lighting up as she stared deeply into my eyes. I couldn't resist a few more kisses before we headed out.

'Sounds nice, but first.' I smirked as I lay myself on top of her. I do believe her grin got even wider than mine, which I would think to be rather impossible, but it was. My lips found her kiss and her hands began to slide under the waist band of my skirt. My heart began to beat faster as our kisses began to get deeper. I think I had gotten use to the fact that we had to fit so much in, when we could. In the little hours that we had to ourselves. It seemed lust had really over taken us tonight. Especially my Pats. She is always the cautious one and doesn't enjoy taking too many unnecessary risks. It does seem though, that isn't the case at this very moment because by the way her hands are now tugging at my blouse. She is willing to take the chance of making love to me for a second time this evening.

We both knew we would have to be even quieter, but I began to realise that her hoarse moans of desire as she tugged at my bottom lip. Were getting louder. Usually I have been the one to lose all control and give into passion, and it's Pats giving me a gentle reminder through a kiss that we have to be quiet. So I giggled a little, when it was me telling her, 'Shh sweetheart.'

'Sorry.' She muttered through her kiss, hands in my hair. It was clear she wanted to take the lead as she switched positions and I ended up underneath her:

When we eventually ended up at the 'silver buckle' coffee bar, with goofy grins on both of our faces that we couldn't shake. Pats was back to the more controlled person, that I'm used you. Still rather romantic though, she paid for my choice of song on the juke box.

'You'll have to be getting back soon?' I sipped my tea.

'I don't have too.' She shook her head, having a quick glance to a couple of people leaning against the jukebox.

'You won't get much sleep otherwise sweetheart.' I said in a low tone, more so to put her at ease than myself.

'I don't mind.' She smiled, kicking her foot teasingly against mine under the table.

She was late home again, but I really don't think she minded. Before she did go back home, I took her silk scarf from my pocket and lovingly wrapped it around her. She smiled, as she breathed in my perfume, which I may have spritzed with an extra spray, just for her. I did enjoy fussing over her. Making sure she was warm. I feel more contented knowing she is happy. I did consider kissing her lips but I heard people in the distance. Waving to her instead, I went back home.

 **A/N - Next chapter soon. x**


	11. Sentimental fool

Working the night shift again tonight, but I don't mind. Matron tells me that she trusts me to get the job done. So least I get some of the afternoon to relax. I was just starting to read my book, when a loud knock came at my bedroom door. I knew it wasn't Patsy's knock, besides she was working today. It was Sophia, who happily came spilling into my room. Honestly, she spoke so fast at first I could hardly understand her. Telling her to take a breath and start again, she did. She informed me that she had done it. She had asked for a transfer to a hospital in Cardiff and that, they had accepted her. Since they were closing down the nurses home, she thought she would follow her dreams and go for it.

Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled for her but rather selfishly I would miss her. She was my closet friend here. Always so kind and caring. She is also a very good nurse. She will be missed upon the ward too. Of course I hugged her and told her how proud of her I was, for taking the bold move to actually try to follow your dreams. She said tomorrow night at the pub, some of the nurses are having a send off for her. I can't believe she'll be moving away so quickly. It has made me think though, about my dreams. My dream of a flat with my Pats. So really it has kind of decided it for me. All I have to do now, is tell Pats.

Sophia has made me promise that we'll always keep in touch. Did she honestly think that I wouldn't write to her? I must admit that the drinks were flowing quite a bit, at the pub. I don't think I've drank so much beer, since leaving Wales myself. Me and the other girls, thought it would be fitting to buy her some Welsh cakes. They went down rather nice, along side the ale. The next day, sober, full of lots of coffee and a couple of aspirins. Me and Sophia were tucking into cheese and pickle sandwiches in the food hall. It was strange really, listening to her excitement for Wales, after it was my dream to leave there. She still has hopes of getting her own farm. Or living near to one, will have to suffice in the mean time. We had to both laugh, when we exchanged presents. Great minds think alike, I tittered as we both plonked down a bottle of Johnny Walker on to the table. Hugging, I was going to miss her company.

By the end of the day, a crowd of us nurses. Stood around as we waved Sophia off. Her father and mother were driving her down there and staying with her for a few nights, to make sure she was settled in. As the car drove off into the distance, the other girls dispersed. Some went to the pub, others had shifts to prepare for. Me, I stood there for a little bit like a sentimental fool. When I heard a sweet loving tone call out.

'Delia?' I turned around to see my Pats, still in her uniform, standing there with a sympathetic smile.

Rushing over to her, we both checked that no one was around before she gave me a quick hug. She smelt like bleach. My smile got wider. I had told her that Sophia was leaving, and she knows me all to well and wanted to check that I was alright. She really is some kind of angel, my Pats.

'I saw her leave, but I held back. I didn't want to be in the way.' She smiled, rubbing my arm softly.

'Why didn't you come over and say hello? Or goodbye.' I corrected, though I knew the reason why. She did not want the attention and more importantly she didn't want to see any of the old crowd. She never did get on with them too well. They use to have a dig at me, saying how could I spend my time with that stuck up Mount! I had given up trying to tell them that she wasn't stuck up in the slightest. That they had her all wrong but they had formed their own opinions and I couldn't change their minds about my sweet Patsy.

'All I care about Deels, is making sure you're okay. I know you and Sophia were close.' She smiled at me with kind eyes.

'I know. Plus you haven't even changed out of your uniform.' I returned the smile. That alone showed me how much she cared. She must of came to see me right from work.

'Yes. I've told sister Julienne that your joining us for dinner.' Patsy smiled, linking my arm as we began to walk.

'I'd like that.' I nodded as she lovingly squeezed my arm.

The dinner was lovely and I insisted that I would do the washing up, while nurse Crane said she would dry as it was her turn that evening for cleaning up. Patsy lingered around the table, trying to look busy, while she was smoking. Pretending that she didn't have her eyes on me. I couldn't help but smile. Though me and nurse Crane did have a long and rather enjoyable conversation. Some of it went over my poor Patsy's head. We were speaking about her motor car, and I told her I had watched my Pa fix many a motor.

After all the tidying was done, we went upstairs to her room, but Trixie joined us too. She made sure all our glasses were full of something alcoholic. I did notice Pats, keep trying to catch my eye, when she thought Trixie wasn't paying attention. I guess tonight I wouldn't be telling her all about the flat, but it can wait. I could tease her a little though and with how much gin Trixie has re-filled my glass with. I would be swaying home tonight. Even Pats had to tell her, 'Steady on old thing, remember we do have to work tomorrow.' But her voice got a little high pitched as without Trix, noticing. I pulled with my fingers, on the back of her waist band on her jeans. Which were new by the way. She can't blame me when she looked that cute. She may very well be the first person in Nonnatus house to ever wear jeans at all.

I almost spluttered out with a fit of giggles at her reaction. Trixie assumed, I was laughing at Patsy's comment, so I went along with that. As Trixie complained about, Patsy becoming a bore! As my girl rolled her eyes, I too joined in, 'Yeah! Pats.' I was soon giggling into a cloud of smoke as both of them lit up cigarettes.

'Well when you two have a headache tomorrow because of too much gin, I shall remind you of this very conversation.' Patsy exhailed her smoke, with a rye smile. Sticking my tongue out, I chuckled, 'Know it all.' Catching the gleam in my eye, Patsy reached forward and grabbed me. (Most likely for the very simple reason of too much gin, or that we were so relaxed in Trixie's company and forgot ourselves). The way she held me, as brief as it was, made us both stop and glance at one another, but I sat back. Very lucky for us, Trixie seemed a million miles away, almost staring at the bottle of gin. She hadn't noticed, thank goodness. Though Patsy took this, to call it a night.

'It's getting late.' She suddenly uttered, stubbing out her cigarette.

'Yes. Better be heading back.' I went to stand up and toppled forward on my feet.

'Goodness. Are you alright?' Trixie grabbed me around my waist to steady me.

'Yes. Must have drank my gin to fast because usually it takes the whole brewery to get me drunk.' I joked as both girls laughed.

'I've seen it first hand.' Patsy jibed, as I couldn't help but laugh too, 'I better walk this one home.' She spoke to Trixie now, like I was suddenly too incoherent to hear.

'I'm not that drunk.' I tutted, going over to the hook on the back of the door, where my coat was. I couldn't help but run my fingers over Patsy's dressing gown that was hanging there too. So you see I couldn't have been that inebriated. Though my Pats was having none of it and wanted to see me back to the nurses home. She is so lovely, my Pats.

On the walk home, I will say that I was swaying quite a bit, until Pats linked my arm with hers. I figured this was the right time to tell her about the flat but she began to talk first.

'I can't believe I grabbed you like that! With Trixie there as well.' She sighed, clearly upset with herself.

'I didn't mind.' I smiled, but she only sighed louder, 'That does not help Deels! What if she were to ask what I was doing?' She shook her head.

'She didn't even notice. Besides you just got caught up in the moment. It happens.' I smiled up at her.

'Well it won't be happening again!' She huffed. That I did not like to hear!

'Fine then!' I broke away from her, as she grabbed my arm again, 'I did not mean it like that Delia. Just not in front of Trixie. Okay?' She finally let herself smile. I don't know why she was being so hard on herself. That may of been the very first time, that she actually let her guard down with me, romantically with someone else there. I kind of liked it. Though I did know she was right, it couldn't happen again.

'Pats? Will you be coming upstairs with me?' I asked, changing the subject.

'Yes. Just to see you to your door.' She nodded.

'You could stay for a bit?' I asked with hope. We did not get much chance to be alone. Not that I minded. Tonight had been fun.

'I... I'm not sure, Deels?' She replied, but she did sound rather tempted.

'Just for a bit, please. Trixie thinks I am drunk, so you can tell her you were being a good friend.' I told her. Tilting her head to the side, with a smile, she nodded, 'Just for a bit then.'

When we reached my room, I wasted no time thanking her for walking me home. I kissed her. She tasted like gin, so I knew I must of too. We could do this sort of thing all the time, if we had a flat together. My mouth could be pressed to hers for hours without having to keep an eye out on the time, or the door. As her hands found my bum, I kissed her more deeply. Staying like this until she broke away the embrace, she pecked my lips softly before stepping back.

'Pats, can we meet tomorrow for coffee, after work?' I asked her wrapping myself around her again.

'Yes. If you'd like.' She smiled down, pecking my lips.

'Good, because there is something I need to say.' This perked her interest and she raised her eye brow, 'Well?' She mused, like I was going to tell her there and then.

'Goodnight Patsy.' I smirked about to leave her arms, when she pulled me back into her.

'You just want to tell me to wear these jeans again on our next date.' She laughed. She was wrong, but hmh that is an idea. Her bum did look rather nice in them. With this it was my turn to squeeze her backside. After all she was always feeling mine.

'Delia.' She blushed, as I squeezed her again, 'That feels rather nice.' She confessed as I blushed now.

'Can't you stay for longer?' I begged but I knew the answer. My bed would only be sleeping me in it tonight.

'Sorry Deels.' She pouted as I had another feel. Kissing me, she held the side of my face and whispered, 'Goodnight darling.'

This time I stood in the doorway of my room and watched her walk away. I suddenly was over come with a feeling, as she turned back to wave at me before disappearing out of sight down the corridor. That just maybe, I would be leaving this place behind and move out once and for all. Closing the door, I looked around for a long moment. A lot of good things had happened within these walls. First giggles with Pats, first kisses and well you can guess the rest. Smiling to myself, I couldn't wait to see what would happen next, with me and my Patsy.

 **A/N - Thank you again for the reviews. They do make me think about what to write next. Next chapter soon. x**


	12. Water in my watch

Guess who will be getting her own flat, with my beloved Pats? Yes, me! I told her over a cup of coffee at the silver buckle coffee bar. She hardly needed any persuasion. Not that I thought she would really. As I explained to her, lots of girls share flats, even a nun wouldn't bat an eye lid. So the next day, Pats was happy circling the rented digs that were available, in the local paper, while I did the calling around. We were both full of excitement, our very own flat. A place, where we could shut the rest of the world out and just be ourselves. From the outside, it looked a bit um basic. The inside didn't fair much better, but that didn't matter to me. I guess I'm just biased. I can just imagine what Mam will say when she sees it for herself, she'll utter, _It's just about adequate cariad_. Me and Pats will soon be able to spruce it up before she comes down to see me for Christmas. Least this way, I'll have an excuse for introducing Pats to my Mam. I told Pats that I could cook for us all. A real nice, fancy dinner with all the works. For when she vists. There could even be posh wine, but I'm not sure Mam will drink wine. Pats said, with a loving smile, that I was getting ahead of myself. As we only have one chair to sit on. I could see by her eyes that she liked the idea and she did tell me, she liked lamb.

When we first saw the flat, we were both in awe as Pats had a caring arm wrapped around my shoulder. There was even a little jug left for us on the window sill. Very dusty, mind but we will clean it up in no time at all. How Patsy could of called it ghastly, I'll never know. It was cute and now ours. Just to make a point, she attempted to blow the cobwebs off the little jug and she just ended up covering us in dust in the process. Mostly her actually, in her eye, bless her heart. Carefully with my index finger, I wiped away the specks of dirt. Smiling, she took my hand and spun me around.

'This place is ours, Deels.' She blissfully smiled as she bought me in for a big squeezy hug.

'It's going to take some cleaning mind. Luckily for me, I've paired up with someone who knows how to use a duster.' I smiled still held tight in her arms, 'Yes, lucky for you my darling Deels, that cleaning is my forte. As I seem to remember that a used tea cup sat for two whole weeks upon your desk at the nurses home.' She reminded me, with a raised eyebrow.

'Ah! Yes, but I did wash it up in the end.' I laughed, 'After much cajolery from me.' She smiled giving me another squeeze.

'You always were a sweet talker, Pats.' I reached up to give her cheek a kiss, 'Don't worry I won't be a stranger to the mop and bucket. I intend to make this place gleam for you sweetheart.' I really did. I want to cook her breakfast every single morning. Greet her, when she comes home. I want to really show her, how much I care.

'We'll make this place, gleam together. For us.' She reached down as if her words were a promise, she was sealing with a tender kiss.

So together, we sat upon the ground and made a list of all the cleaning products we would need to turn this place, into a spotless flat. Patsy noted that sister Winnfred had quite the stock pile of Stardrops. That she would happily give us. Tonight though, I figured me and my Pats could just relax (of sorts). The cleaning could wait until tomorrow morning. I could go and fetch my large cream blanket from the nurses home and we could cuddle up. I guess I just couldn't wait a second longer before we moved in.

So after lunch with all at Nonnatus house, me and Pats made a quick trip over to the nurses home. To gather up my spare pillow and blanket. Patsy couldn't understand, why we shouldn't just bed down there for the night. Just for old time sake, is how she put it. I only teased back that she just didn't fancy a night on the floor. So tugging on her white top with blue stripes across it, I gave her a wanton kiss.

'You just want to get me all alone Miss Busby.' Patsy licked her bottom lip, as I nodded, 'Absolutely.' I told her watching her mouth now.

'I wonder how fast it will take us to get a mattress for that bed?' Patsy added, because at the moment all that stood was an old wooden frame in our bedroom.

'Oo now who's talking?' I giggled as Patsy took her turn to tug at the buttons down the front of my pink dress, 'I don't get paid until next Friday Pats...' I was now finding it difficult to focus on what I was saying as her lips were kissing my neck, 'We...will have to combine...our pay Pats. To get that mattress.' My voice changing in pitch somewhat.

'Hmm...mattress.' Patsy hardly replied as she kissed against my fastly beating pulse.

Guiding me down against the softness of the cream blanket, I completely surrendered into the warmth of her kiss. Her tongue finding a haven in my mouth too hide in , while her hands worked loose the top three buttons on my dress. That were blocking her path to my chest.

'Hmm, Delia. Your skin feels so soft.' She breathlessly moaned, as her fingertips slipped their way into my bra. I had about lost all control at her touch, let alone her words, 'Patsy.' I chirped. Now feeling her kisses along my cleavage. Wrapping my legs around her waist, I heard her softly grunt at the contact.

Buttoning up my dress for me, after only an hour ago she was undressing me, I grinned at her, 'I'm hungry.'

'For me, I hope?' She pulled me forward, kissing me, 'That too.' I chuckled, as she rolled her eyes at my lack of lust. I guess she had worn me out. I was satisfied. 'Shall I go and get us some fish and chips?' She rubbed my nose softly against her own.

'Let me find my other shoe and I will be right with you.' I began to search around. Guess our passions ran away with us, as Pats flung one of my shoes over her shoulder. As I started to hop about the place, with one heel on, the other off, Patsy laughed. Already putting on her coat.

'I won't be long.' She mused, as I stumbled over to her. Seeking a kiss.

'Don't forget my marrowfat peas, sweetheart.' I reminded, as she gave me a smirk, like she'd heard me say that a million times before.

'I won't.' She pecked my lips, 'You just find your shoe.' She laughed heading out of the door.

Finding the missing shoe, under the bottom of the side board. That was covered over with a dust sheet. I smiled to myself as I slipped it back on. While I was waiting for my beautiful lover to return with our food, I started to picture what colour would look good on these dull looking walls. I like bright colours, to match the petals on the flowers, I'm planning to buy. We would also need a good, comfy settee. As I'm sure we would be entertaining guests, such as Trixie and Barbara. I would also like nurse Crane and sister Monica Joan to stop by too. Sister Julienne, if she has the time. Who I am fooling, I want the whole of Nonnatus house here. Including Fred and his lady friend. The kind handy-man has even offered to lend us a hand, but Pats wasn't so sure. I think she is rather determined that she is the one with the hammer. She told me that she wants to be the one who puts up our book shelves. I am more than happy to let her, so long as the book won't fall off. I teased to her, but do you know what? I couldn't care less if they did. If my Pats has tried, then that is all I care about.

Smiling, as I heard the key turning in the front door. I certainly could get use to this. Hearing my Pats, returning home. Oh it does thrill me, so.

'Delia?' She softly called as she made her way into our front room, 'Dinner is served.' She proudly exclaimed as she sat herself down next to me upon the blanket. Quickly we tore into the newspaper, greeted with the lovely smell of fried potatoes.

'Oh?' I suddenly pouted, with a realization. As she frowned a questioning eye, 'What is it, Deels?' She asked biting into a chip.

'We need to celebrate this moment, but we have no drinks. Or even any glasses to make a toast with.' I laughed with a wide smile.

'How about tomorrow. After some cleaning, we have a picnic. We can toast ourselves then.' She returned my smile. She always did come up with the best ideas, 'Yes. We can.' I couldn't resist giving her a quick peck.

'When do you have to be in work tomorrow?' She asked me, 'Because we'll have to fetch your uniform darling.' Always so thoughtful, to remind me of the important things, 'In the afternoon, sweetheart. So we'll have plenty of time to go to the nurses home.' I said scooping up a good helping of marrowfat peas with my chip.

'Lucky for me, I have the whole day off again. So I can get a head start on the cleaning. Sister Julienne is kindly sorting out some kitchenware we can borrow, until we have purchased some of our own.' She told me.

'That is nice of her and I'll have to buy us some food because we can't very well live off chips.' We both laughed, 'Do you fancy Toad in the hole? I'm quite the whizz with Yorkshire pudding.' I told her as she raised her eye brow, 'Ahh, you plan to cook for me, Deels?' This seem to delight her no end.

'Of course, sweetheart. My Mam has taught me well.' I nodded firmly as she rubbed my arm gently.

With daylight leaving us all to soon, we thought an early night might be in order. As we did have a busy day of cleaning ahead of us. So still in our day clothes, we cuddled together on top of the blanket. It was getting rather nippy and it wasn't the most comfortable, that wooden floor. As I shifted in her arms for the countless time, Pats whispered in my ear, 'Darling. I know you're in a hurry for us to spend the night here, but there is plenty of time for that. You have a shift tomorrow and you simply can not do it on zero sleep and an aching back. Lets head back to the nurses home. I can still hold you all night.' She kissed the top of my head and there she was again with all the bright ideas.

'Okay.' I agreed, as I kissed her lips, 'I love you, Patsy.' I suddenly felt the need to tell her, as I stared into her eyes.

'I love you, Delia.' She kissed me again before we went to put our shoes and coats on.

After the sleepy walk back to the nurses home. I kicked off my heels and threw my coat into a crumpled heap on the floor, before happily flopping down upon my bed. As Pats let out a bemused, dry cough as she kindly placed my coat onto a hanger for me. I just chuckled.

'If you get undressed. Then we can get some sleep.' Patsy told me, as she went about hanging up her own coat too.

'What will you be wearing Pats?' I said salaciously, as I began to slip out of my dress.

'These.' She stated matter of factly, looking down at herself, as I smirked.

'Oh no! You're not getting away with sleeping on top of the bed tonight. You're coming under the covers with me.' I nodded, reaching for my nightie that was kept under my pillow.

'But Deels?' She protested, until I cut her off, 'It's not like I'm asking you to go nude...yet.' I winked, as she blushed. Throwing back the sheet, I patted the bed for her to come join me. Watching her stand there, twiddling her thumbs. While weighing up every caution, My Pats finally smiled as she slid down her slacks. Having a quick glance at her legs, while she folded up her clothing. Placing them neatly on the chair, she then hopped under the blankets with me. Adjusting ourselves down the bed, we soon snuggled together as she kissed my lips.

'Goodnight Deels.' She smiled, shutting her eyes. 'Goodnight Pats.' I replied, watching her for a moment, before I too closed my eyes.

The next morning was a bit of a hurried dash, as we grabbed some fruit for breakfast from the kitchen area. It was nice to wake up with Patsy still lay beside me. I guess I'd have to get use to that, what with us being at the flat. It was so sweet, when she made sure I had my uniform for later on. We headed over to the bakery first, for a much needed custard slice for our picnic. Then on too Nonnatus house for all the cleaning solutions we would need. I stood, watching on rather proudly as Pats was talking with sister Winifred. Who was helping her pack up all sorts of things. From bleach to scrubbing brushes. They both began to talk with much ensuthiasm about the best approach for tackling stubborn stains. It was only when Pats mentioned our picnic, that the nun ushered us into the kitchen so we could prepare our food. The sister told us, she would handle packing up the rest of the items. So while I made the sandwiches, Pats went upstairs to have a quick freshen up and to change her clothes.

Bundling down the steps of Nonnatus with mops, buckets, brooms and picnic baskets. We would need assistances and since sister Winifred had to leave for a call out. Me and Pats were left alone once more. Well we had already taken up too much of the sisters time, but she said she really didn't mind. As she waved to us before she set off. Opting for Patsy's bicycle to help carry the load. My lover started to grumble about, how it was her work bike and that there was a knack too it. It would be fine and I certainly did not want to lug all these cleaning bottles across to the flat. As I mounted the bike, she even began to speak of the Cubs and bike safety. She does worry, my Pats. Peddling off, a little wobbly at first. Well it had been a good few years since I had actually rode a bike and that was back home in Wales. I remember speeding off as a child with the boys around the town. As Mam yelled after me, _to slow down cariad_. Laughing at the memory, I shouted 'gangway' at someone in my path. It may of been Trixie but I wasn't sure as I took off. I soon got the hang of it, as I slowed my pace as my sweetheart was trailing behind me. Side by side, we arrived at the flat. Proping up the bike, against the wall. Together we carried everything inside. Patsy wasted no time at all, getting the hot water flowing so she could mop the kitchen floor before we had our picnic together. All I had to do was empty the bucket full of dirty water. I did make a bit of a splash though: Time had really gone against us, as I'd be started my shift soon. She assured me that she didn't mind one bit, starting the clean up without my help. I would have to rub her feet as a way of a thank you, when I get home. That is if I'm not too tired myself, after cooking.

Standing cuddling, while the floor dried. Patsy kissed me.

'I won't have time now Pats, but would you mind going to fetch the food for tonights dinner. I can write you out a list and I have the money in my purse sweetheart.' I told her, 'Deels I can buy the food.' She smiled holding me tighter.

'No. You paid for the chips last night. I want to pay.' I was quite firm on that one, 'I'll stop by Nonnatus on the way home to pick up those plates sister Julienne is loaning us.' I added as Patsy reclaimed my lips.

'I think the floor is dry.' She told me, pulling away from the kiss with a wide smile. Goodness we must of been locking lips for quite awhile.

So just as promised, now in the front room. We toasted our new flat over a glass of lemonade. I was quite happy telling her about, how I wanted yellow walls and china with a modern geometric pattern. What she most liked hearing was how I wanted to smell coffee in the mornings, or bleach because I knew she was home or had just gone out. I couldn't help but lovingly stare at her, as she looked around the place. Once my custard slice had been eaten, I stood to my feet with a stretch. Leaving the plates, drinking glasses and blanket behind.

'I better get ready for work.' I told her, heading to our bedroom. Soon finding a pair of blue eyes on me as I was changing. Patsy lingered in the door way, before wrapping me up in a hug, 'Why Patience Mount you do realise that I'm only in my underwear.' I giggled as she kissed my neck.

'Yes.' Her kisses began to roam over my collar bone, making me coo.

'Pats...' I begged as she let me go. She did know how to tease me right before work. We would have to resume this tonight, 'You know how much I like you in those jeans.' I confessed as I slipped on my uniform.

'Well, I'll still be wearing them later Delia.' She grinned, 'That better be a promise.' I giggled, as I went into my bag. Finding out a pencil and a slip of paper. I wrote down all the food ingredients that we would need for later. As well as the money, she would need to pay for them. Slipping the shopping list and money into Patsy's coat pocket. I was clear on the instructions: Placing my hat upon my head, I went to glance at myself one more time in the bathroom mirror. As my Patsy always said, There is nothing worse than an unkempt nurse.

'I'll head out with you, Deels.' She nodded, 'It shouldn't take too long to pick up the food we need.' As we both put on our coats ready to leave.

Just before we reached the front door, I pulled Patsy in for a kiss, using her coat. Just a quick peck, mind because I did need to hurry.

Stepping out, I realised it was later than I first thought. I must of got water in my watch. I said as much to my Pats, when she informed me of the correct time (bloody mop bucket!) As I handed her the keys to the flat. She also offered to get another set cut, while she was out. I really wanted, to go with her to get that second pair cut but now I was really late. Offering me the use of her bicycle, as well as her scarf.

I told her, She really is, a sort of angel and tragedy is, no one will ever know that either...

 **A/N - Thank you to everyone, who has taken the time and trouble to read this. I hope you enjoyed reading it, as much as I did writing it. I'm working on a couple more too. The next one, will be a little light and fluffy. Hope you enjoy. x**


	13. The nurse with the pretty eyes

Afraid. No! More like bloody petrified. Or whatever else is another word for fear, that I can't quite remember just now. In fact I can not recall anything, about my life. Even my own name is lost on me. What I do find strange, is that I know I'm Welsh. Not just because I was told of this either. I opened my mouth to speak and my brain clicked. I am from Wales. I find that very odd, that I should know this. Everything is all very, confusing. Especially the uneasiness I felt, when a woman I didn't even recognize told me that she is my Mam. I've had a few concerned faces all around my bed, weeping. There was a girl crying, I can't think of her name just now. She seemed very upset, her pretty eyes, had turned red from the amount of tears she shed: I try so very hard to remember, I force my mind to concentrate but I just end up feeling very tired. I try to study the face of the woman, I have to call Mam. Surely I should know my own mother. Apparently not, as her face escapes me until she come fussing around me at visting time at the hospital. I've been staring at the wall, because when I try to read a magazine. All the words seem to blur together and I can't be doing with that. Yesterday evening one of the nurses who works here, informed me that I too work here. I just stared at her blankly. In all likelihood, she could be correct but I wouldn't know. I believe it to be the morning now, I can just make out the sunlight, shining down outside in the corridor. When the door to my room was slowly pushed open, expecting it to be one of those nurses checking on me again. I was surprised to see that red headed girl again. I watched as she silently pulled up a chair, near to the side of my bed. Taking a seat, I looked closely at her. Willing myself to recall her name, but I could not. I believe she may have been crying again, she did look terribly sad. I hope it isn't because of me.

'Good morning, Deels.' She uttered weakly, like every note of joy had been taken from her voice. I felt myself narrowing my eyes at her. I really couldn't remember her name, but what was it she said? Deels? Maybe that is her name? Leaning forward, I asked, 'Is...is that your name nurse? Deels?' I waited for a reply, while she sighed.

'No. I'm Patsy. Deels, is a pet name that I call you, Delia.' She seemed clearly dejected.

'Oh?' Was all I replied, glancing back to the wall again, when her voice filled with hope, 'But you remembered that I am a nurse?' She smiled warmly at me, as I returned my gaze back to her eyes. Her eyes are very blue, even behind all the tears. She must be a very kind nurse, with eyes like those. Very compassionate.

'You look like a nurse.' I gave a smile of my own, 'Do I?' Her voice cracked into sadness, as if a river of tears would soon flow.

'Are you with my Mam?' I asked, the first thing that spilled into the front of my head. I just didn't want her to cry.

'Do you want your mother...because.' She began but I shook my head, cutting in, 'Not really. She likes to fuss.' I confessed.

'I know how you dislike that, so.' I started to wonder if I made her feel nervous, by the way she was scrapping her finger nail across her thumb. She seemed quite anxious. Oh? What did she say her name was again? Patsy. Yes, she said her name was Patsy, 'How do you know that?' I suddenly asked her. I guess my mind needed a moment to process, what she had said. I find myself doing a lot of that. I try to orgazine my thoughts, so they make sense. Looking at her, I realised. What else does she know about me. Maybe she knew other things. Perhaps she could help me piece all these jumbled parts back together again.

'I know that because...I know you very well, Delia. We're...close.' She gripped her bottom lip with her teeth. Seeming very apprehensive again. Was she just shy? As I couldn't hold her stare, without her looking away, as she continued, 'We're... We are more than friends.' She stopped suddenly, casting her eyes down to the ground again before she sighed, 'We're best friends.' The smile she gave me, seemed almost forced somehow.

'Oh?' I just nodded, 'Is Mam here?' I didn't know if I have asked her or not, but she always seems to be here, my Mam.

'No, Delia. It isn't in fact time for visting hours. I am only here myself, because I asked Matron for a special consideration. Only because of my diligence working here in the past and for the simple fact that it is you, I am able to sit here. You know what the rules are like.' She explained, I found myself listening to the gentle tone of her voice. It sounded so soft. Very calming. Falling silent, we just sat there. Strangely enough, it did not feel in any way awkward. It felt oddly comforting. It was only when I coughed slightly, that she sprang up from out of her seat and handed me the glass of water that was by my bedside.

'Thank you.' I told her, after I drank a long gulp from the glass.

'Trixie and Barbara, send you their best.' She quickly uttered, as I frowned. Why people keep on insisting, telling me of people I do not know. It makes me feel very frustrated. I can get my bearings, establish my surroundings, just not my past at this present time.

Glancing at me with hope, written all over her expression, she leaned forward, taking my hand into her own, 'Do...you remember any of those names?' Pulling away sharply, I shook my head with anger filling me from the inside, 'No! I do not.' I snapped and I noticed she physically jumped.

'Sorry. I just thought you had a moment of recognition cross your face. I...apologize.' She bowed her head, wiping at the corners of her eyes.

'I can not remember. How many times do I have to keep telling people.' Folding my arms, with a loud sigh. Did they honestly believe I would choose this? Choose not to know my own name or the names of my mother and father? Anger was a very real emotion I was feeling. At everything.

'I am sorry. I'm sorry for everything, Delia.' She wept. Burying her face into her hands. I watched as her shoulders violently jerked with each sob, that left her body. I had no words for her. All I could manage, was to place my hand against the top of her head. I softly petted her red hair. Which only seem to make her, cry even more. I suppose I really shouldn't have snapped at her the way I did just then. It wasn't her fault. I could not blame her for my feelings of anger, 'Don't cry, Patsy. It will be alright.' I found myself blurting out, as she finally made eye contact with me. Neither of us, broke the stare we were exchanging. I really don't know why, I was staring at her. I hope she didn't think I was being rude?

'Oh Deels, If only you could remember.' She spoke the words, as if they were almost to herself, 'Did your mother tell you, that she is taking you back to Wales?' She added, wiping her face free of anymore tears, using only her fingertips.

'Yes. Back home.' I nodded.

'No. Wales is not truly your home, Delia. You left there quite some years ago. Your home is here, in London with... with all of your friends.' She bit her bottom lip again, with a sense of nervousness. I noticed she bites her lip quite often. Rather adorable really, when I think about it.

Pushing the sheet away from myself, I ran my hands through my messy hair, 'Are you included in that?' As I really did not know anyone else. Or if I did, I certainly don't recall them.

'Yes. Most certainly. We spend mostly all of our free time together.' She seemed very firm on this.

'That's nice. What do we usually do, Patsy?' I smiled, patting the back of her hand with my own. I was only too glad that she had stopped crying.

'Well, we sometimes go to the picture house together. You do love your films.' Her eyes really glistened, 'We listen to the dansette together. Go for a coffee. Generally leading me astray.' She chuckled. I don't know why, but I rather liked that. She was clearly being sarcastic. That much I do know.

'Is that right?' I asked with a slight giggle. I hadn't recalled the time I did that since being in this bed.

'Always very willingly though.' She added with a warm smile. She does seem very thoughtful, this Patsy. I can see why I like to spend so much of my time with her. When I ran my hands through my hair again, I began to frown, so I asked her, 'Patsy?'

'Yes, Delia.' A small smile, creeping on her lips.

'Does my hair look a fright?' From her expression, I'm guessing she was not expecting me to utter that. It did seem to amuse her. As she started to carefully choose her words, 'Um. You always maintain your sleek locks, Deels. But I think you can be forgiven this time.' She held in a playful, sarcastic chuckle.

'There was me thinking, you were quite charming.' I too chuckled, as sadness flashed across her eyes. Reaching for her handbag, I panicked for a split second. I thought she was going to leave. My stomach lurched with an overwhelming sense of sorrow. For reasons, I can't really explain. As it turned out, she was merely opening her bag. Revealing a comb, 'Here you go, Deels.' She handed it to me.

As I made the movement to move my hand, my wrist went limp. My mind went numb, blank. The comb fell from my hand, landing onto the bed. Feeling rather befuddled, I felt her hand rest upon my shoulder. Glancing up toward her, her pretty eyes momentarily held me captivated. They seemed full of such unrestrained love. No wonder she is a nurse. Patsy is so caring for others needs.

Tenderly she let my hair fall through her fingers. As she ran the comb against my hair. Soothing me, until I felt a single tear drop fall onto my shoulder. She was silently crying. Before I had chance to reply, I felt a heaviness at the front of my forehead. My eyes becoming laden.

'I have to sleep now.' I muttered, as I lay myself against the pillow. Feeling her tucking me in, I shut my eyes. I wasn't sure how much time had passed, as I stirred. She was still there, as I glanced at her with languid eyes. I could feel the soft touch as she petted my hair. Causing me to fall back into a deep sleep.

 **A/N - I've been sitting on this for over a week now, but I've decided to post it. I wrote this chapter rather quickly. Another chapter soon. x**


	14. Are we not best friends?

When I finally awoke, the red headed nurse was gone. She had been replaced by the woman who calls herself my Mam. Her concerned face worn with worry as she smiled, 'Cariad?'

'What time is it, Mam?' I call her Mam because it does seem to please her when I do.

'A little after 9 o' clock, Cariad.' She began to fluff up my pillows as I sat up, covering a yawn. 'Think you'll be up to eating all of your breakfast today?' She sighed pouring me a fresh glass of water.

Ignoring her question, I wanted to know where the nurse had gone. 'Mam?' I asked, before she delicately placed the rim of the glass to my lips for me to take a sip. I could most likely hold the glass myself, but I thought it best not to mention it. 'Mam? Where did that nurse go?'

'What nurse Cariad?' She replied, checking the bruises on my forehead.

'That nurse with the pretty eyes.' I told her as she halted her movements, 'She was here earlier.' I nodded waiting for a reply.

Pretending to busy herself with the water jug. I asked her again. 'Mam? She has red hair.'

'Patsy? Cariad?' She seemed to flinch at her own words, as joy had over taken my smile. 'Patsy.' I remembered with another gleam.

'She was here you say, Cariad?' There was that frown again.

With a nod of my head, I wondered when she would see me again. I enjoyed talking to her and she didn't keep asking me how I was doing every second. Wanting to speak more about Patsy, I was interrupted by another nurse entering into the room. Carrying a tray of food and a glass of orange juice. She certainly did not have the same kindness in her eyes as Patsy has.

Eating the rather cold porridge, I pondered what my favourite breakfast could be.  
What did I actually like to eat. I did however recall, Patsy telling me that I had not lived in Wales for quite some years. So would my Mam really know what I liked on a day to day level, because people, I've just realised can change just like that. Just with a click of the finger. I really must remember to ask Patsy, what it is I like; I would of much preferred Patsy bringing in my breakfast, but she must be busy caring for others in the hospital.

As the hours dwindled away, I found myself just staring up at the ceiling to the blistering paint flecks. I felt lost, as if I were a piece of driftwood caught along with the tide. With no place to go. Just floating upon the waters waves; I had another spell, as Mam calls them. I wondered why I had no recollection after my breakfast. When I awoke, Mam was holding my hand. She looked as lost as I felt, sitting there next to me. I squeezed her hand as tightly as I could. I wanted to show her that I was OK. She seems to think that once we are back home again in Wales. That things would all get back to normal.

I didn't feel much like my dinner but I pretended I was eating as I waved my Mam goodnight. As soon as she was out of sight, I pushed the plate of potatoes and whatever kind of meat it was away from me. Letting out a rather loud sigh, I lay back down. I was starting to like my Mam's company. She was very caring and kind of funny when she wanted to be. She was also a much needed distraction from trying to figure out who I am.

I started to close my eyes when I heard someone entering into my room. It was only when I heard the familiar voice of the caring nurse, Patsy that I sat up in haste.

'I thought someone was asleep.' She smiled, taking the seat that my Mam only left moments ago. 'Are you not hungry, Deels?' She asked very sweetly as she eyed the full plate of food.

Only smiling, I found myself looking her up and down. She was wearing a lovely dark green jacket with a matching skirt. She resembled one of those girls that you see in those glossy magazines. She looked amazing. I just had to tell her so, 'You look nice.'

'Thank you.' She avoided looking into my eyes as she replied; she must be very humble receiving compliments too, because it looked like she may of been blushing. 'I've just left Fred and Violets...' She paused shaking her head, 'I will not, for now Deels, tell you of people you do not recall.' Patsy reached for my hand. She certainly had softer skin than my Mam.

'That is what I said yesterday.' I found myself smiling wider as I pulled her hand closer towards me.

'So...' She paused taking a deep breath. 'What about this food?'

'I just didn't want it.' I shrugged.

'Well, Deels. I just happened to have brought you something you may indeed want.' She reached for her bag with her free hand, 'One red apple. Your favourite kind and a box of your absolute favourite truffles.' She smiled as she presented me with the small red box tied with a red ribbon. Along with a shiny red apple. I just stared firstly at her then to the chocolates.

'I thought you needed a treat.' She added watching me closely.

'I have a favourite kind of chocolate?' I was amazed considering I was only wondering what food I like to eat just a couple of hours ago, 'I wanted to ask you that very question Patsy.' I smiled at her.

'What chocolates you prefer?' She arched a questioning eye brow as I began to laugh again.

'No. Just about food in general.' I let go of her hand to open the lid of the chocolate box. They did smell rather delightful. Offering one to the kind nurse first, she gladly accepted with a _thank you_ , as I popped a truffle into my mouth. It was much nicer tasting than my cold breakfast.

"As for the answer to your question, Deels. It is rather a tricky one." She pondered, glancing to the left while she did so, "You do like chocolate, but your preference is more towards baked goods. The cake of choice being, a custard slice and you find walnut cake completely abhorrent." She nodded with certainty before she continued, "We do love to dine in Poplar's finest fish and chip shop. You simply can not even  
so much as glance at a chip, unless it is smothered with marrowfat peas." The way she giggled held me most captivated.

As I held out the chocolate box for her to take another piece, I uttered the first thing that came into my head, 'I could not remember your name again today. I asked, Mam. I said, what is the name of that nurse with the pretty eyes...' I began to tell her until she started to cough. Spluttering upon the half chewed chocolate, I quickly passed her my glass of water. Taking a small sip, she looked at me.

'Are you alright?' I leaned forward to pat her back. She really did look rather startled. I hope I had not upset her again. It seems I have a habit of making her want to cry, 'I'm sorry.' I blurted out as she had another sip of water.

'What do you have to apologize for?' Her eyes locked upon mine.

'I really didn't mean to forget your name.' I explained. 'When I do the same to the man, I forget to call, Pa. He always has to quickly leave the room. Mam said he has returned home to Wales today to get things ready for me. They have a dog, did I tell you that?'

'Do they?' That is when she started to cry. First it was only a few tears rolling down her cheek as she continued. 'I'm going to miss you Delia.'

I stared at her. I could not take my eyes from her weeping form. I did not know what to do, that is when I felt a pain shoot across my head. The room became dark and I could feel my body shake. I heard Patsy's voice call out my name; when I finally opened my eyes, the pretty nurse was still there and I still remembered that her name was Patsy.  
She was holding my hand tightly in her own, her skin felt hot to the touch against my own palm. Her head was bowed, pressed up against my arm. The look of pure relief she gave me when I finally whispered out, 'Patsy?' In truth, I don't know why I felt the need to whisper. Maybe I'm just tired. I did feel a little worn out.

'Delia?' She brought my hand up to her lips and I watched, as she kissed the back of my hand over and over again.

As I made a move to sit up, she stopped me, 'Just try to relax. Don't make any sudden movements.' She soothed, while I lay back quietly.

I could tell she was anxious, she tried to hide it upon her expression but it was clear to see in her blue eyes. It seemed as if she wanted to tell me something. She would glance at me for a long moment before turning away hesitant. Her mouth would part slightly but no words would come. Why would she be reluctant to share things with me, are we not best friends? I couldn't help but feel was she hiding something from me. She's reserved, yes. Demure in a charming way but my heart almost felt like it ached with the thought she was holding back. I guess I am reading too much into the little things. I should be used to my brain playing tricks on me. Sighing louder than I intended, she fixed her gaze on mine.

'Would you like a sip of water?' She smiled.

'No. Thank you.' I continued to stare at her.

'Are you bored? Perhaps I could read something to you.' She rambled now, 'You did always love it when I read to you.' Now this captured my interest and I told her so, 'You've read to me? When?' My smile grew wider at the thought.

'Oh.' She touched her face self-consciously, 'Poems and such. I guess it's not important now.' She dismissed.

It was important, to me at least. It was a memory of mine that I did not have. I was beginning to realise that I did not like being kept in the dark. I could feel my mood changing, my smile disappeared and I could not look at her for a moment longer. Friends should not keep secrets from each other and the nagging doubt I had earlier, told me she was doing just that. I may of had a knock to the head but I'm not stupid. I knew she was holding back from me. Just when I need honesty the most.

'I could go find a book from somewhere? I can not guarantee it will be a good read.' She gave a chuckle that did not sound genuine.

'I guess it's not important now.' I repeated her own words back at her with a frown.

'Delia please.' She pleaded.

'I need a friend who is willing to help me, help me patch up all of my broken memories; do you know how angry I feel? Do you have any idea what it's like to look into your own mother's face and not have even a flicker of recognition of who she is? You're supposed to be my best friend and I could pass you by in the street and not know you on one of my bad days. I feel so scared, Patsy. Everytime that door opens I'm  
petrified when someone new walks in because it's another face I simply don't recollect.' I ranted while she cried. I did not want to hurt her with my words but it was how I felt.

'Deels, if I could take this nightmare away, don't you think I would?' Her words sounded stronger than the fear that was inside her eyes, 'Do you think I can bear it? I have to stand by and watch your mother take you back to Wales, when I know you belong here. There is so much I want to tell you, believe me but I have to ask that you trust me.' As I stared into the windows of her soul, I did. Trust her. Her eyes gave me an inner strength everytime I looked into them. She just had a calming effect on me and in that moment, some of the fear had left me.

'I trust you, Patsy.' I nodded, patting the bed beside me. It looked like she needed a big hug and I know I did.

I watched as she climbed upon the bed. Wrapping my arms around her, I held her tightly. Without uttering a word, she seemed to instinctively know what I was thinking, as she lay down besides me. It oddly felt like she belonged there. Right by my side.

 **A/N - Thank you again. More soon. x**


	15. Are they memories?

**PART ONE.**

Patsy lay sound asleep all night, she looked so peaceful curled up next to me that I did not have the heart to wake her. Not that I particularly wanted too. It was still dark out, with just the rise of orange light casting shadows upon the wall. I believe my sleeping companion may have been dreaming because I noticed her eye lids fluttering. I hope whatever she was dreaming was something good and nice. As I petted her soft red hair, she let out a breathy coo, while she slept. Closing my own eyes, I felt the pull of sleep too.

Half dazed, I began to see moving pictures playing in front of my eyes; are they memories? Or just dreams? I could no longer tell. I found myself in a small room, which was almost completely empty. Apart from two sideboard-dressers covered over with sheets. If I'm honest, it seemed quite dusty. No. It was dirty and looked like it hadn't seen a mop and a good bleaching in awhile. Hung in the window was a piece of net curtain that was torn, and had turned almost black. No amount of hot water and mending would repair that net. There was something that did catch my eye, a pretty little jug covered in cobwebs. I could feel my heart beating faster at the sight of it. When all of sudden, I felt someone touch me. An arm threaded itself around my shoulder. Who was standing there with me? I tried to look up, I desperately wanted to see the figure holding me. I forced myself to move my head, but the figure's face was a blur. I felt the room begin to spin and I did not like it.

At that my eyes snapped open from the deep sleep, I had just awoken from. I let out a gasp. My heart was beating rapidly and my breath was shallow. Without thinking I grabbed Patsy's hand. I needed to ground myself and she felt the safest thing in the room to me. She too began to slowly open her eyes. She stared at me for a long moment, as a wide smile spread across her face. Glancing to our hands interlocked, she softly spoke, with hope. 'Delia?'

My brain could not click into gear and I had lost all knowledge of what correct words to speak. As she repeated, 'Delia?'  
Sitting up, with her free hand. She cupped my face, still with a smile. I could feel her soft fingertips rub gently against my cheek.

'Nurse Patsy.' I managed to mumble, and her hand quickly fell from my face, as well as her expression.

'I was dreaming.' I tried to tell her but my words would not come out fast enough.

As the door swung open and a blonde woman entered into the room. Immediately, I noticed Patsy stiffen. Her shoulders became tense. Who was this woman, and why did her mere presence cause Patsy to have this reaction? I began to feel uncomfortable myself as she looked at us both with a kind smile, 'I thought I might find you here.' She locked her eyes on Patsy.

'I must have lost track of the time.' She replied, getting up from the bed patting down her red hair.

I still wanted to explain my dream to her, but her full attention was now upon this blonde stranger. I turned to Patsy, but her whole demeanor had seem to change. Even the soft tone of her voice was now replaced with more authority. I noticed the blonde woman coming closer to the bed with pity radiating from her eyes.

'Good morning, Delia. How are you feeling?' She was about to reach for my hand, but I pulled back sharply. I did not know who she even was.

'It's alright.' She smiled, looking to Patsy now.

'Deels, this is Trixie. She is our friend.' Patsy nodded, but I think she knew that I did not remember her.

"I don't know anyone called Trixie." I folded my arms stubbornly. Since this girl had been in the room, Patsy had moved so far away from me, she was practically leaning against the wall. I frowned at Patsy until she began to bite her lip nervously.

'Deels?' She spoke more softly, finally stepping toward my bed again, 'You've known her for about one year now. She is a fellow nurse and midwife, like myself and she lives at Nonnatus house, where I too live.' Patsy did her best to explain but I was still frowning.

'Forgive me, Delia.' Trixie smiled warmly at me, as she continued, 'I should have properly introduced myself.' Giving me a sympathetic nod, she reached for my hand again. I could see the anxiety upon Patsy's face, waiting for my reaction.

I was still trying to digest all of the new information I was just given to show any kind of response. I could feel my head begin to pound with all of the questions; _this girl holding my hand, is my friend? Patsy is a midwife? Why did Patsy seem to change around me in front of this Trixie? What was that room in my dream?_ So many questions, with not one single answer coming to mind.

Retracting my hand away from Trixie's hold, I could feel my mood turning into rage. I resented the fact that strangers knew more about my life than I did. Curling my fingers into fists, I hit them with all my might against the blankets, causing Patsy to flinch.

'It's OK.' The blonde reached for my arm, but I pushed her off.

'Delia?' Patsy's voice trembled, as she turned as white as a sheet, with fear written all across her face.

'I do not remember who you are. Can you please not touch me.' I snapped at the blonde.

'I am frightfully sorry.' The poor girl apologized, backing away from me. I instantly felt the pang of regret over my voilent outburst.

'Why don't I get us all a nice cup of tea, and Patsy here, can calm you down, Okay?' The blonde left us to it, touching Patsy on the shoulder before she left.

'She doesn't have to patronize me.' My anger quickly returned at her choice of words, 'I'm not stupid.' I spat, pointing to the door.  
'Calm me down, indeed.' I mocked, as Patsy seemed frozen to the spot.

'Trixie means well, Deels. I just don't think she quite understood, how...difficult things would be for you.' I looked at her face more closely, she always had a way of knowing just what to say to make me feel better.

'And you say she is my friend?' I quipped with sarcasm, as she shot me a playful look.

'Yes. She is a very dear friend of both of ours.' Patsy soothed, 'I can't imagine what you must be going through.' She sighed sincerely, as I reached for her hand.

'What was her name again?' I asked.

'Trixie.' Patsy nodded, using her thumb to caress the back of my knuckles. 'In all the years I have known you, Deels. I have never seen you lose your temper, violently before.' She bowed her head with sorrow.

'Did I... frighten you?' I asked, licking my lips with trepidation.

'No more than you usually do, when I have upset you.' She tried to make light of it, which I really appreciated.

'Oh, you upset me, do you?' I couldn't help but laugh.

'It has been known.' Patsy giggled, 'But I always make it up to you.' She glanced down to our interlocked fingers with shyness.

Ready to speak my reply, when the door opened again. It certainly felt like a busy morning; mam came bustling into the room, muttering but she stopped in her tracks and glared at Patsy standing there besides my bed. Her eyes darted to our held hands. I could feel Patsy's hand pulling away under mam's scrutiny, but I gripped onto her tighter. I liked the way her hand seem to fit in mine. My anger seemed to vanish when she was this close.

'Morning mam.' I smiled.

'I didn't know you had company, cariad?' Her voice did not sound as caring as it usually does. It had lost most of its warmth.

'Good morning, Mrs Busby.' Patsy smiled, I was learning fast when nurse Patsy's smiles were genuine and when they were fake. This one was definitely forced.  
An unspoken tension seemed to take over the room, as they silently stared at one another. Like a seeming stand-off. Trixie's return into the room, carrying a tray of tea, finally broke their stare.

'Oh? Hello.' Trixie muttered, with surprise.

'Hello dear.' Mam sounded more friendly to my supposed pal, Trixie than she did to my best friend Patsy.

'I assume you are Delia's mother?' She smiled, placing down the tray upon the table, 'I'm very pleased to make your acquaintance.' She gracefully took my mam's hand into her own, 'I'm nurse Franklin. Delia's friend, but please call me, Trixie.'

'Please to meet you too dear.' She looked her over, I don't know what she was thinking, but it certainly looked like she approved of her.

'Please feel free to take my cup of tea, Mrs Busby.' Trixie offered, as she too glanced at my hand in Patsy's.

'How very kind of you, dear.' Mam nodded, turning to face me, 'Cariad? What do you say to the nice nurse?'

I felt my cheeks flush with embarrassment. Picking me up on my manners in front of my friends, like that. I would of quite rightly said my thanks, if she would of given me the chance.

Finally letting go of Patsy's hand, I reached for my tea with a very softly spoken, _thank you_.

Trixie and my mam began to talk amongst themselves, but my attention was firmly upon a quiet Patsy, still standing beside me. As ours eyes met, she gave me the most beautiful smile I had ever seen.

'They sure like to talk, don't they?' I whispered close to her ear, as she began to giggle.

When the blonde girl, Trixie suddenly looked at me. Her voice laced with a tinge of sadness. 'Oh, I did not know you were going home to Wales today, Delia? We will miss you.'

From the sharp turn of Patsy's head, neither did she, as she uttered, 'Today?'

'Yes.' Mam nodded firmly, 'The doctor thinks it will do her good, being around familiar surroundings of her home.'

'Her home is here.' Patsy interjected, but mam completely ignored her and carried on speaking regardless.

'She needs looking after, every hour god sends. I have got to go over to the nurses home and collect all of her things.' Mam shook her head, as I listened to her words. _I lived in a home for nurses? I have things that needed to be collected?_ It never even occurred to me that I own clothes. Foolish really. I turned to look at Patsy, I needed to feel that grounded feeling again. That I wasn't alone as I felt, but when I stared into her pretty eyes, she looked as lost as I did.

'We can help you, Mrs Busby with all of Delia's possessions.' Trixie nodded firmly.

'No.' Patsy's voice raised in volume, 'I should be the one to pack away all of her belongings.' I noticed her sigh, as if she was trying to compose herself, before she continued, purposefully trying to make her tone brighter, 'I have once lived along side, Deels at the nurses home. So I know the lay out better than Trixie, who has never been there.' She nodded to mam, who gave a begrudging nod of her own in return.

'Okay, dear. Shall we head over there now?' Mam fixed her eyes on Patsy.

'Of course.' She replied, as I made a reach for her hand, 'See you in a little while, Deels.'

I tried so very hard to catch her eye, but she refused to look me. I was sure I saw a tear roll down her cheek as she left the room with mam.

'It's quite alright, Delia. I will keep you company in the meantime.' Trixie grabbed a firm hold of my hand, and this time I didn't want to let it go.  
I needed a friend.

 **A/N - Thank you as always. Part two soon. x**


	16. Going back to Wales

**PART TWO.**

The blonde nurse tried to make me smile and at times she did. Though in my mind, I could not think about anything but going back home to Wales. Funny word really, home because I have absolutely no idea where that even is or what it looks like. I feel as if I have no attachtment there and that is when the feeling of panic begins to set in. I know mam and the man I have to call Pa, wouldn't hurt me but I still had the feeling of dread. Mam genuinely believes that everything will magically get better once I am back in Wales. Our outlooks differ on this and my suspicions tell me I will end up disappointing her.

Staring at the blonde girl, who does seem like a friend. I wondered if she would know more about my homelife.

"Trixie what it is like back home?" I asked, as she looked at me with contemplation.

"I'm sorry sweetie, but I am not the best person to direct this question too." She shook her head, "We have never really fully engaged in a conversation regarding your childhood in Wales. All I know from what you have told me is you simply could not wait to leave there." I liked her honesty, unhelpful as it was and from the information Patsy has also shared with me. I get the impression that I really wanted to fly the nest.

"I suppose I really shouldn't have disclosed that to you considering you will be returning home later on this evening."

"No. I'm very glad you did. I don't want the sugar-coated version of myself. If I'm ever going to find out who I really am again. I need to know what's real." I smiled, as she nodded.

"Yes. I guess your right sweetie."

She did seem sympathetic to the current plight I'm finding myself in. Maybe my initial reaction to her was a little hot headed. Though, on the other hand how well do we really know each other? If I have not opened up about my past. I needed to know more.

"Trixie where did we meet?"

"It was Patsy who actually introduced us." She gave a firm nod of her head, not breaking eye contact for one single second.

I find that strange because when I look into Patsy's eyes, I feel, I don't know? Safe somehow. It's hard to describe when you don't know what is real. When you only have another persons word to go by. I have learned quickly that you have to put alot of trust into strangers.

"She did?" I frowned in confusion.

"Yes. Do you remember her telling you that I also live and work in Nonnatus house? As does she." I simply nodded, as she continued, "Well, one day she just invited you around for dinner. At first, I could hardly manage to speak a word to you as Patsy monopolized all of your time." She chuckled sweetly, and at hearing those words I felt myself begin to blush.

When the sound of mam's voice, cut through the laughter. She was carrying a small white suitcase that I'm guessing must be mine.

"I've packed a few of your clothes cariad." Mam smiled, placing the case down upon the bed where Trixie had been sitting moments ago, "Patsy was quite insistent that I let you pick what you want to wear." She huffed. Seeming weighed down by a million thoughts.

"Where is Patsy, mam?" I asked looking to the door, as she tutted under her breath. I really hoped Patsy would be back by now. I want to spend some more time with her before I have to go home.

"She's still at the nurses home, cariad. She said she would pack away the rest of your things, while I help you to get ready." She told me, all the while rummaging through a pile of neatly folded clothes, "She couldn't wait to get rid of me, if you ask me." She shook her head, as I stared at my clothes.

"Patsy is rather efficient when it comes to tidying." Trixie chimed in with a bright smile.

All of my attention was suddenly fixed upon the suitcase. These clothes were mine. A part of me. I obviously chose to buy them and I wear them everyday. These simple pieces of fabric were the closest thing to me I had that were tangible. Lifting a pink dress that was laid out upon the top, I held it close to me.

"What are you doing, cariad?" Mam questioned, as Trixie touched my arm.

"Why don't I give you some privacy, so you can get changed." The nurse nodded, leaving the room. By her tone of voice, I believe she understood the importance of the moment for me. Whereas mam was clueless.

"This belongs to me." I told her, but even with me trying to explain I still don't think she understood what I meant. At least I would be out of this hospital gown.

Half an hour later I found myself sitting alone. Mam had gone back over to the nurses home to wait for my Pa. Apparently, he had borrowed my uncle's motor car in order for them to take my things home. It's a good job she stayed with me until I was dressed because I had to ask for her help to get ready. Which was a little bit embarrassing. A grown woman needing help from her mother to put on a brassiere. I did not have time to wallow in self-pity for long as I could see Patsy approaching the doors. Hopping down from the bed, I rushed to greet her. My smile faltered slightly when I noticed her eyes were red from crying.

"Pats." I called excitedly, as I seemed to pull her out of whatever she was pondering.

Stopping in her tracks, she stared at me. "You called me, Pats?" Her smile was so radiating, that it made her eyes shine.

"I did, didn't I?" I lifted my hand to my mouth, "It just slipped out. You don't mind do you?" I asked, as she grabbed my hand. It felt like the most natural thing in the world for me to call her. It just rolled off my tongue without having to give it a second thought. I liked it.

"It is actually quite lovely to hear you call me that. You always call me, Pats." She nodded, "I wondered if I'd ever hear you call me that ever again." She bit her lip, glancing down to the ground. When she returned her gaze to mine, she paused. I think she had only just realised I was out of bed or was wearing actual clothing.

I just had to ask her opinion about my pretty pink dress. It had a lovely blue flower detail across it. I just hoped Patsy liked it too.

"You...look nice, as you always do." She sighed, "You have only very recently purchased this particular dress."

"I have?" I asked, trying to read the emotion in the pools of her blue eyes shining back at me.

Patsy's eyes remind me of some clear blue ocean. I imagine if I were to ever look out across the sea again, it would be the same experience as when Patsy catches my eye.

"Yes. It was...in honor of us finally going to move into a flat together." She wistfully explained, as I frowned.

 _We were going to be roommates?_ She had never mentioned this before. _When did we decide this? Why hadn't mam mentioned this to me either?_ Before I could speak up to voice my objections of why she hadn't told me this sooner. She began to cry. A dull ache began to course through my chest at seeing the caring nurse Patsy weep like this. Stepping even closer to her, she flung her arms around me with all of her might. The anguish she was clearly feeling was all to event, as she whimpered against my shoulder.

"It's alright." I whispered, rubbing my hand up and down her back.

"It's not alright." She sobbed, "Delia you do not even remember who I am." Those words broke my heart and I felt the sting of my own tears trickling down my cheek.

"I really want to remember you." I sniffed, smelling the hint of bleach and sweet perfume from my red-headed friend.

"Don't forget me, Deels. Please don't forget me." She begged, holding me tighter.

We stayed held there until her breathing became less choked. Lifting her head from my shoulder, she gave me a long kiss upon my forehead.

"I promise I will write to you. I won't let you forget." She exhaled a shaky sigh, as she repeated almost as if to herself, "I won't let you forget."

I did not want to ask her, let me forget what? I really did not want to make her cry again. I guess I can assume she meant her. I would miss her and I really don't know the distance between here and Wales. I wish she could come with me. Patsy hasn't really left my side the whole time I have been here in hospital. What would I do without her? Taking her in my arms again, it was my turn to hold on to her as I hugged her.

"I'm afraid, Patsy." I confessed my fear to her.

Feeling her hands press against my shoulders, she leaned down to give me direct eye contact. "What are you are afraid of Deels?"

"It may sound strange but all I know is this room. Wherever I go now, I won't even recognize. What if nothing feels familiar to me again?" I knew she didn't have the answers to my questions. No one really did, but it felt comforting just to voice my fears outloud.

"Oh, Deels." She held me close to her again. With my ear being pressed so close against her chest, I could hear her heart pounding away.

 _Thud, thud, thud!_

I suddenly felt the impulse to look at her. Moving my head slightly, I rested my chin upon her beating heart. Staring down at me with those pretty eyes of hers, she cupped her hands around my face. It didn't feel strange or queer to me that she should be this close to my face. It was almost reassuring. I watched as her lips slowly parted. Edging closer, until the door hinges squeaked causing her to veer away from me.

Another nurse in a purple uniform came plodding in with some more medication for me to take. I stood there still rather bewildered as the elder nurse made sure I swallowed the two white tablets. Reciting the same old speech to me everytime I take these pills, I completely blanked her. My focus was fixed upon Patsy. Waiting until that nurse had lumbered her way back out of the door, I went to speak but my voice came out a tiny yelp. Falling back against the bed, the room began to spin. I could feel Patsy grip my hand.

Shutting my eyes, I tried to regain my balance. My head felt like it was being used as a drum in some jazz quartet. Taking in a deep breath, my forehead was being caressed. Finally opening my eyes to see nurse Patsy's concerned face, I tried my best to smile at her.

"W...water?" I mumbled, as she darted off the bed to bring me what I had asked for.

Helping me back up into a sitting position, Patsy held the glass for me. "Slow sips." She instructed.

"As dizzy spells go." I supped even more water, "That one wasn't so bad." I chuckled.

"Only you can make a joke at a time like this Deels." She sighed, sounding somewhat relieved as she began to pet my hair.

Looking toward the door, I could see mam. It must mean that it is time to go. Glancing back to Patsy, she had noticed mam too. With a dejected nod of her head, she stood to her feet.

As soon as mam walked over to me, she let out a loud gasp. With a shake of my head, I knew the fussing would soon begin, and I was right.

"Have you had one of your spells, cariad?" She looked me over, as I pulled away. There was no point in making her worry.

"I just went a bit dizzy." I nodded.

"See. You need to be home and away from this place." She sighed, helping me into my coat while Patsy stood by quietly, "Your Pa is outside, waiting for you cariad. Say your goodbyes and we'll be off." Mam nodded, grabbing my little suitcase. I get the sense she couldn't wait for us to leave. Mam had not once acknowledged Patsy since she had returned to the room. This hostility seemed unnecessary.

As mam bustled through the door, I took a moment to look around. Feeling the supportive hand of Patsy upon my shoulder. I looked up and smiled at her. I would miss her kindness. She really has been some sort of angel to me.

Stepping out into the hospital corridor, I could feel my legs begin to tremble. Glancing to Patsy walking along side me, I could see her tears softly rolling down her face. As I drew in a deep breath, to steady my nerves, we had almost reached the main exit doors. When a group of nurse's surrounded me. Turning to Patsy, who had become my much needed pillar of support. Had suddenly stepped aside, almost out of sight as these girl's I did not recognize engulfed me with hugs and fond farewells. Feeling a little dazed, I just gave them a wave as I followed mam outside. It was nice to be out in the open air.

Mam went right over to the motor car, where Pa was sitting in the drivers seat talking to nurse Trixie who was standing on the path.

"Delia?" I heard my name being called.

Turning around, Patsy was standing beside me once again. Her shoulders slumped forward as she wept. She looked heartbroken.

"Patsy?" Was all I could muster, as she wrapped her arms around me. I could feel her hands shaking as they gripped my waist.

I could faintly hear mam telling Trixie what the doctor had said to her that morning about me, but I did not care. Closing my eyes, I held onto Patsy for dear life.

"What am I going to do without you Delia?" She sobbed with despair. That is exactly what I thought to myself earlier. _What will I do without her?_

"Come along you two." I heard mam bark out, somewhat agitatedly. As she tried to prize my arms from around Patsy.

"No!" I heard Patsy whimper, as she held onto me even tighter.

Patsy was my anchor. She was something safe for me to cling too. Without her, I felt as if I was being thrown into the unknown. I knew if I would protest. Stomp my feet, shout that I did not want to go. That I would be ignored. Mam would simply tell me, she knew what was best.

Mam and Trixie had enclosed on us now. Trying to pull us apart. Nurse Trixie's tone was much more gentle than my mam's. My mam was firm, telling us to; _'Stop this nonsense. You can see her again soon.'_ But when? When would I see her again? She lives here.

With a heavyheart, I let mam pull me away from her. Patsy's eyes were red, and she wouldn't take her gaze from me.

"Pats?" I called, as mam forced me to walk towards the dark blue motor car.

"Thank you for all of your help girls." Pa nodded to my friends, as he started up the engine.

Watching on feebly as mam pushed me to sit down upon the black leather seats; everything was moving so quickly. My mind could not keep up. As the car door was slammed shut, I jolted. Turning the handle round and round, until the window rolled down. I grabbed for Patsy's hand.

"Never let go, Deels. Never let go." Patsy cried in a hushed whisper, as Trixie stepped besides her. Bidding me a sorrowful, goodbye.

"Patsy." I sniffed, as mam climbed into the passenger seat.

Something deep down inside of me, was telling me not to let Patsy go.

"Come on, cariad. We have to go now. Say goodbye." Mam turned her head to look at me. She seemed angry, but I did not care.

As the motor car began to slowly roll forward, Patsy's blue eyes were doleful. I could hear her mumbling, but through her tears I could not make out what she was saying. I could feel her grip tighten around my hand, as she began to walk along with the car.

"Bye girls." Pa cheerfully waved, as the car began to move faster.

I watched as Patsy ran along side the car. "Delia? Please don't leave me." She sobbed, as she was finally forced to let go of my hand.

"Patsy!" I yelled, my arm still out stretched out of the window. Willing for Patsy to take my hand again.

All I could do was look on, as I watched my best friend fall to her knees, in a crumpled heap by the road side.

As the car sped on, I could see the figure of nurse Trixie rushing to her side.

Patsy was gone, she wouldn't be coming to Wales with me. I was now alone.

 **A/N - Thank you as always. More soon. x**


	17. Red ribbon

I cried myself to sleep in the back of the motor car, so the journey didn't seem all that long to me. Mam on the other hand did nothing but complain. All I could think about was Patsy. I had kept the red ribbon from the box of truffles she had brought for me. I held it inside of my coat pocket. For some odd reason, I did not want my mam to see it. Holding tightly to this ribbon, I felt like I had a little piece of Patsy with me.

Sighing loudly, I could feel myself becoming restless. "I'm thirsty." I called, louder than intended. I knew I sounded like a spoilt child but I guess it was my act of rebellion for dragging me home to a place I did not know.

"We're almost home, melys pys." Pa replied sweetly.

I opened my mouth ready to ask how he could know that, considering we have only driven past fields and trees for the past ten minutes. When I frowned in confusion as he began to talk to me in a language I did not understand.

"Yn chi llwglyd, melys pys? Gan fod eich mam mae gan coginio a hyfryd stiw ar gyfer chi."

I stared at the back of his head blankly, as mam piped up. "Don't be confusing her. You know she's not ready for that yet!"

"How do you know unless we try?" He shook his head, "Delia has always been as bright as a button."

"That was before her head has been cracked half open! You wouldn't listen to me, would you. Letting her go off to London!" She snapped as they began to mutter back and forth in Welsh.

It was obvious they didn't want me hearing anymore of their conversation. It was very strange to hear my parents bickering about me like I was not there. I, for one am glad that he is not treating me like I am simpleminded. I get the sense he is acting how he normally would around me. Just like Patsy did. She never made me feel like I was foolish or less than for not remembering the simple things. It is frustrating enough without pity from your loved ones.

I began to wonder what Patsy could be doing right now? _Is she thinking about me too?_ I feel a loss inside. As if I have left something behind, a part of me perhaps? But that can't be right can it? I am unsure. One emotion that is clear to me, is that I am missing her. My stomach feels twisted into a tight knot. _Should I really be pining for her this much already?_ After all it has only been a few hours since I last saw her.

When we finally pulled up outside of the house, where I would be made to live for god knows how long. I sighed. The house itself looked nice. Well cared for and kind of cosy, but it was still all unfamiliar to me. That is when I realised I have no real place that I can actually call home. I have no home that truly feels like mine. Drawing in a steady breath, I tried not to dwell on things I could not change. Instead I'll concentrate on the kindness of my parents. I would not like to seem ungrateful for all of their efforts.

Eager to stretch my legs, I got out of the car and was hit first of all by the smell of lavender. Peering over the wooden fence I could see a long row of purple flowers swaying in the breeze, as mam placed a loving arm around my shoulder.

"Welcome home, cariad." She smiled, giving me a firm squeeze.

With a wave of his hand, dismissing us. Pa uttered. "You girls get inside. I'll take care of the bags and boxes."

Guiding me down the long path, mam could not hide the smile on her face as she led me inside. "It won't take long to get you settled in, cariad."

My own smile widened as a large dog came over to greet us. Wagging his tail at quite a speed, as he jumped up to lick my face. "Ruffy. Get down!" Mam shouted, as I petted this friendly mutt.

Still under mam's gaze, as I fussed the dog. She smiled wiping at her eyes. "You've always loved that dog." She shook her head sincerely.

"He's lovely, mam." I told her, "Aren't you? Aren't you?" I spoke to the dog wrapping my arms around him.

Taking a hold of my hand, mam led me into the kitchen. "Don't you be tiring yourself out, cariad. As soon as you've had something to eat, it's off to bed with you." By the look she gave me, I knew it would be a waste of my time if I tried to disagree.

So for the next hour I sat obediently at the small kitchen table, eating a stew cooked by mam. It was the best thing I had ever tasted. I savoured every bite, even having an extra slice of bread to go along with it. This pleased mam, who hadn't really took her eyes from me the whole time. She certainly never smiled this much back in London. I believe the kitchen to be mam's favourite place to be in, because it looks the most lived in. The sitting room is immaculate, and not one cushion is out of place. In the kitchen the well used pots are all hung upon the wall and Ruffy the dog has a bed near to the back door. Where is he currently sleeping off his own meal of leftover beef.

Mam did most of the talking about local people in the neighbourhood. I just nodded and smiled when it was needed. The thought of having to remember all those names was enough to give me a headache. I was only too glad when it came time for me to retire upstairs for a rest. It is hard to describe the feeling of stepping into a strange room that your parents call your bedroom. It was just how I imagined a bedroom should look, full of hallmarks and little personal touches to showcase a persons personality. But it wasn't just anybody's personality. It was mine. I was the one that had added all the things that were found in this room. The trouble is I don't remember her. _Who is she?_ Maybe I can find out.

Taking a seat upon the neatly made bed, I glanced around the small room. It was clear that _she_ was a big reader, I mean that _I_ must be a big reader. The bookcase that was against the wall, was full of many books. There was also a chest of draws, but I didn't feel like looking through that yet. Looking around, I suddenly felt out of place in my bedroom, I needed to feel grounded. I needed something that I could be sure of. Then I remembered, my red ribbon from the chocolate box. My reminder of nurse Patsy. Wrapping it around my hand, I thought about her and her pretty caring blue eyes.

With a shaky breath, I hugged my knees against my chest. My heart began to pound and the only other noise I could hear was the sound of a ticking clock. Which made me feel even more isolated. A creeping sadness seemed to be swirling around in the pit of my stomach. I was lost in every sense of the word. Breaking down into tears, I must of cried myself to sleep.

Mam said the journey home must of worn me out because I slept until the sound of the birds outside woke me up the next morning. I didn't tell mam that I felt emotionally exhausted. I could not find the right words to express what I was feeling, so I remained quiet. Eating breakfast went in the same manner as yesterday's lunch. Only today I wasn't quite ready for a nap and I made a few suggestions to mam about taking a walk or helping her around the house, but she was firm I needed rest. I was feeling bored and had slept all day yesterday. With Ruffy the dog at my heel, I went to sit outside for some fresh air in the back garden. I could hear raised voices coming from the kitchen. Mam wanted to go into the village and pick up some food but Pa was needed at his draper's shop. The bickering did not last long and I'm guessing mam won because she came out to see what I was doing and she was wearing her coat.

"Cariad? You'll catch your death out here." She strode over to me.

"The sun is shining," I sighed. "Mam, you and Pa don't both have to watch over me." I huffed. I didn't need to be watched over every second of the day.

"You heard us, did you?" Mam had the trace of a rye smile on her lips. Maybe I had done something like that before?

Reaching for her hand, I held it. A feeling of security flooded me. "I'll be fine mam."

"What if you have one of your spells, cariad?" She shook her head, her voice full of concern.

"Can I come along with you then?" I smiled. I would like to see more of Wales. Mam has given it quite the build up.

"I have far too much to do today, cariad." She stroked my hair with her free hand, "You stay here with your Pa and rest." Kissing the top of my head, she went inside. Not before adding; _"Don't you get sitting out here too long. There is a nippy chill in the air."_

Once mam had left for the shops, I asked Pa if I could look through some of my belongings. I needed something to occupy my mind.

He is a short man, just a little bit taller than mam but he carried two heavy boxes of books and music records to my room with no trouble. After he placed them down upon the top of the bookcase, he looked at me for a long moment.

"Now I don't want to ask you if you're alright, melys pys. Because you're too much like your mother in that regard. You both hate fuss, but Delia you can talk to us. Even your mam. About anything, it must be very difficult being home again." He nodded, rubbing a hand against his chin as if he was working through in his mind what he wanted to say.

Even though he was indeed correct, and I was finding it all so very difficult. I just could not mention it. His eyes seemed sad enough, his upbeat demeanor could not disguise the sadness housed there.

With a shrug, I asked about something else I had heard. "What is a draper's shop?"

"Ahh, the Busby business." He nodded proudly, wrapping an arm around me. "Many a past Busby have been proud drapers. Proper retail merchants. We sell the best fabric and cloth you'll find in all of Wales."

"You own a shop?" I said with complete surprise.

Pa smiled, with a faint chuckle. "You use to help me out on Saturday mornings, when you were a girl. You could talk the hind legs off a donkey, with anyone who came in."

I had no idea what that meant but it made me smile all the same. As he continued. "I somehow knew, even then that you were meant for greater things than handling woven pieces of fabric. You've always cared that little bit extra. You've always felt the need to make it all better." He gripped me tighter.

I felt as if he was talking about someone who I wasn't anymore. I couldn't say whether I'd ever be that person again. Stepping away from his grasp, I picked up a book that was on top of the pile. I did not want to talk anymore and I think he understood when I needed space.

"I'm only downstairs if you need me." He smiled. Leaving me too it.

I flipped through the pages of the hard back book, but I could not understand the words written inside. Moving on to the dansette, I clicked open the turquoise turntable but I found the same problem there. I couldn't understand how it worked. Feeling like a bit of an idiot, I gave up and lay down.

 **A/N - I hope the Welsh translation is correct. Here is what was spoken in English.**

 ** _Melys pys_ \- Sweet pea. **

**_Yn chi llwglyd, melys pys? Gan fod eich mam mae gan coginio a hyfryd stiw ar gyfer chi._ \- Are you hungry, sweet pea? Because your mam has cooked a lovely stew for you.**

 **Thank you for all the lovely reviews. More soon. x**


	18. All alone and afraid

The next few days went by and if I wasn't sleeping. I was sitting outside in the backyard with the dog. Mam won't let me do much else, but rest. She handles me more carefully than her bloody porcelain ornaments, she has displayed in the sitting room. She's scared incase I crack, or worse. Break. That is when my anger rears its ugly head and I feel like shouting. Not at mam particularly, just at the situation I guess. It's hard when you feel like your on the outside, looking in on your own life.

How can I tell mam that, _'I am already broken. I don't even know who I am.'_

I can't and what would be the point? It wouldn't stop her constant fussing. Okay, That is my temper talking. I would be very lost without her help and support, but I do need a bit of my own space. She was very happy to tell me; _'at least the bruising is fading around your pretty face.'_

One thing I look forward to is a letter from Patsy. I listen closely to each word mam reads aloud for me. Patsy speaks of life in London. The weather and how she hopes I am keeping well. The part that always strangely makes my heart skip a beat is when she mentions she is thinking of me. Oh, how I miss her.

I sometimes get Pa, to re-read me the letters when he comes home from working at his shop.

I've woken up rather early today. It is barely even light out, but my eyes opened as if I had woken up this early many times before. Creeping past my parents room, who were still in bed. I made my way downstairs, where Ruffy whined as he greeted me. I did not risk boiling water for a cup of tea because mam might hear the whistling of the kettle. So I drank a glass of milk. With a sigh of boredom, I noticed Ruffy was scratching at the back door. About to slide the bolt open, when I paused. Glancing to his leather leash hanging up on a nail in the wall. I decided that I could take him for a walk myself. The same as Pa does every morning before breakfast. It would give me a chance to get out of this house without having to worry mam.

I attached the lead to his collar, as Ruffy happily looked up at me wagging his tail. "Come on, boy. Walkies." I smiled, letting myself out of the back gate.

The crisp morning air felt wonderful against my skin; with a deep breath, I set off down the lane. It was very peaceful and quiet and with each step I felt as if I was gaining more and more confidence. See, mam didn't need to keep worrying. I'm fine.

The further I went, the happier I became.

The little cottages looked very picturesque and I'm pretty sure Patsy would love this if she were here beside me.

Turning down a cobbled path way, I stopped. The feel of the stones under my feet felt strangely familiar and with this I had a shooting pain in my temple. Wobbling slightly, I needed to sit down. Grabbing a hold of a near by metal handrail on some steps, I sat down. Ruffy, ever faithful perched next to me licking my face. Running my hand through my hair, everything around me started to spin. Causing me to shut my eyes tightly.

"Mam?" I called, reaching out my hand for her. Then I remembered I was all alone.

I felt myself begin to rock forward, when suddenly in front of the darkness of my closed eyes. I could see Patsy. Yes. It was her. I called out her name but she did not reply and the scene kept moving on. Like I was watching a film or dreaming. _Was I dreaming?_ It really was nurse Patsy and she was wearing a light blue uniform, with a sort of pillbox style burgundy hat. She was smiling at somebody as she placed down a brown leather bag. Removing her hat and quickly stepping out of her shoes, she glanced behind her as she called out my name. _'Delia?'_

At the sound of Ruffy's bark. I snapped back into reality. Holding my head, I suddenly wanted to go home. Trying to steady myself, I got to my feet all the while the dog was whining and nudging me with his wet nose.

"It's all right, boy." I faked.

I tried to get my bearings. I looked around but everything felt foreign too me. Staring straight ahead to the narrow path, I wondered if I had just come up those steps? I did not know. My heart started to beat quicker and quicker. I was frightened, alone and lost. I wanted mam.

Tears began to trickle down my face and I sobbed. When I felt a firm tug on the dog lead, Ruffy had started to move. I began to sniff, as he barked. Looking into the dogs brown eyes, something told me to trust him. Follow him. So I did.

I let the dog lead me. His head turning occasionally as if he was checking I was still there and if I was alright. Trudging on behind him, with a thumping headache I was never so glad to see my parents house.

Dropping to my knees, I hugged Ruffy tightly. He had saved me. "Thank you, boy. Thank you." I kissed him over and over again.

Staggering my way around the back, I was met by Pa who dropped his newspaper at the sight of me.

"Delia?" He stammered, as I wrapped my arms around him sniveling.

"I took...Ruffy out and I got lost and...he saved me. He walked me back home." I spluttered through my sobs.

"Your mam is in the bath and still thinks you are in bed young lady," He reprimanded me. "What were you thinking? Going off on your own like that? Your mam would have a fit if she saw you." He tutted, leading me inside.

I sat down at the table, my chin still quivering as he handed me a hot cup of tea. "We can't tell your mam about this, Delia. I know you only meant well, but she won't see it like that." He rubbed his hand across his chin. I noticed he does that a lot when he is pondering something.

"Anything could of happened, and we can't worry her unnecessarily. Your mam has been through enough." He shook his head, getting out a white handkerchief from his pocket, that had a letter sewn into it. I had really upset him and his forehead was deep with frown lines. I felt terrible.

"Sorry Pa." I wiped my eyes.

"Sorry isn't good enough this time, my girl..." He stopped, and changed his deep tone. "Delia? Please understand that me and your mam love you more than anything on gods green earth and beyond. And the thought of you being in any harm is just too much for either of us to bear. You must promise me that you will never go off like that ever again. Do you understand me, melys pys?" He gently took a hold of my hand.

"Yes Pa," I nodded. "I am really sorry."

"Yes. You probably are, and I hope this has taught you a lesson." He kissed the top of my head, as he called over Ruffy.

He gave a firm rub, behind the loving mutt's ear, as he smiled. "Someone will be having a big breakfast. You clever boy. Bringing our Delia home."

"Sorry." I told him again, as Ruffy wandered over to me. Resting his head upon my knee.

"I know you are and we won't hear about it again," Pa began to start frying up some bacon. "We will have a nice breakfast and you my girl can go rest."

After a long nap, I went to sit with mam. She was in front of her sewing machine running up, what looked like cushion covers. Eyeing me with a suspicious glance, I was sure she knew I had been up to no good.

"These are for your auntie Blod, cariad. She wants to come down and see you soon." She told me.

As I watched her working away, an overwhelming sense of guilt came over me. Today I had acted rash and naively thought that I knew best. Going off on my own like that, with no thought for anyone else but myself. I had acted selfishly. Mam would be hurt and disappointed in me if she knew the truth. Thank goodness, my lovely Ruffy lead me back home.

I do not have past memories of her love and kindness, but one thing is for certain. I care for my mam very deeply. I am beginning to understand the meaning behind all of the worrying. It is all done with complete love for me.

Throwing my arms tightly around her, I kissed her cheek as she looked a little taken back. "What was that for?" She smiled at me.

"I just wanted to hug my mam," I sat back down, as I continued. "Mam what was I like when I was younger?"

With a bemused expression, she sighed. "Sometimes you could be a right little madam. Stubborn, headstrong and determined, you were. Always polite though. Oh, you'd come home with grazed knees and dirt all over your pretty dress, because you had to climb the hightest tree."

"I climbed trees?" I laughed.

"Yes. You'd go off exploring with the boys in the town. Ruffy by your side," She got to her feet, wrapping her arm around me. "Making me worry."

"Sorry." I told her and I meant it.

Staring at me with a look of mother's devotion, she held me tighter. "I only worry because I care, cariad." This I finally understood. "Why don't I finish this later." She continued. "Right now I think I need some help in the kitchen."

With a smile, I followed her.

With my sleeves rolled up, me and mam get stuck into baking some bread. Getting more flour over myself than in the mixing bowl, mam lightly chuckled before returning back to singing along with the wirless. I like seeing her so carefree and she has rather a lovely voice; a little give and take was the missing piece that our relationship needed. I've learnt my lesson regarding trying too much too soon but I know I can not rediscover myself by staring at four walls. Little steps, as mam has told me.

So I asked her. "Mam? Do you think I can go with Pa tomorrow, when he goes into work?"

Turning to me anxiously, rolling out the dough. She considered my words. "I don't know, cariad? What if you have one of your spells?"

"Pa will be with me and I'd like a change of scenery." I reasoned. How could I make her understand that I needed to feel normal. Not trapped like some bird in a cage, with a broken wing.

Taking a careful hold of her wrist, I gave it a gentle squeeze. "Please mam."

"You've always loved your music, cariad." She spoke again. "We used to sing songs together, and you'd sing in the church choir." I listened as she reminisced. I got the sense these shared memories were for her own comfort as much as mine. Then with a sudden nod, mam agreed. "As long as you're not too tired, you can go along with your dad."

With an excited gasp, I kissed her cheek.

 **A/N - Thank you for the wonderful reviews. They really mean a lot to me. More soon. x**


	19. The draper's shop

I could not keep the smile from my face, as I sat on my bed holding a letter from Patsy. Even though the words were still a jumble to me, it was still a connection to her. She had kindly sent me three postcards, with pretty flowers in a vase upon the front of them. Pa found me some drawing pins and I have pinned them to the wall above my bed. It is nice to feel that you are not forgotten about. I wish I could write or send her something in return but I have trouble holding a pencil. Mam has replied to her on my behalf though.

Despite another one of my _'spells'_ as mam calls them, she has allowed me to accompany Pa today to his draper's shop. I am full of nervous excitement. Mam is finally trusting me to go out of the house. So with Patsy's letter safely tucked away in my drawer, I pulled on my coat. I double checked my pocket, making sure I had the red chocolate-box ribbon with me, when I heard Pa calling for me.

"Ready to go?" He greeted me at the bottom of the stairs. Oh, I really was.

"Your mam has packed us enough food to feed an army." Pa laughed, buttoning up his green coat. "Shall we go?" He smiled, as I nodded.

Mam walked us both down the path, telling me firmly; "Don't you go over doing it."

"I'll guard her with my life, love. Stop worrying." He kissed mam on the cheek, waving at her with a shake of his head.

"Make sure you do and if she gets tired bring her right back," Mam called to us, as we set off.

With Ruffy and Pa by my side, I felt safe and the countryside did not seem as daunting as it had done on the way home from my little misguided adventure the other morning. I was sure that today would be a good experience. The locals that we passed seemed very friendly, and they all seemed to know my Pa. Some also asked how mam was. I felt a strange sense of pride.

The town seemed to consist of one long narrow road with buildings either side. It was bustling with life. We went past a large open market stall selling all kinds of vegetable produce. There were lots of women in cream coloured macks gathered around different stalls. They turned over various pieces of food in their white woollen gloves, trying to procure the freshest looking ones.

A man in a grey jumper threw a red apple at my Pa with a wide smile. "Bore, 'n glws dydd." The man said.

With a nod, my Pa tipped his flat cap. "Rhyfeddol."

The draper's shop itself was nestled between a few other buildings. I must have been wearing a somewhat puzzled expression as I attempted to read all of the shop signs because Pa began to point each one out to me. There was a post office, the pub, a butcher's shop and a cafe. The smell of the ocean hung in the air and that made me think of Patsy's blue eyes.

I stood outside the large shop window, with white painted letters above it and smiled. The window display was set out neatly and I quickly followed Pa inside. A glass display case, with a large cash register placed on top of the counter greeted me.

"Lets get to work, melys pys." He smiled.

I had the task of handling small cut pieces of fabric and I had to fold them. Ruffy walked around out the back, coming over to check in with me every once in a while. Lots of people came in the shop, some just for a chat. Nearly everyone spoke in Welsh. Just before Pa called for a lunch break, a lady with a weather-worn face came into the shop. She was wearing a red checkered head scarf and a long grey coat. Her green wellington boots were caked in mud, and she was carrying a large sack over her shoulder.

"Da prynhawn," she smiled, setting down the bag which thudded as it hit the ground.

"Good afternoon, Mrs Wilks. How is Hywel? Keeping well I hope?" Pa replied.

"Very well," the woman switched to speaking English as she looked at me. "Ah, so little Delia is home?"

Pa nodded. "Her mam is over the moon. She just wished the circumstances were different." He sighed.

The elderly lady stepped closer to the counter, keeping her eyes on me the whole time. "I remember when you were this high." She moved her hand down to her lower waist. "You'd run over the vast green hills, searching the rock pools for edible seaweed so your dear mam could make her delicious tasting lavabread. You were always smiling, you were."

Licking his lips, Pa grinned. "Ohh, your mam's bara lawr."

I couldn't share in their recalled memories but I nodded anyway. Returning to folding the materials, I zoned out as the two adults in the room began reminiscing about times gone by. Soon after that, she left with a large brown paper parcel tied with string, given to her by Pa.

"She's left her sack behind." I pointed to the bag lying on the ground.

Kneeling down, Pa opened the bag to show me its contents. "Look, melys pys. Potatoes. Mrs Wilks is a potato planter and pays for her yards of fabric with a bag full of spuds. You help by making people better. Me? I help where I can." I was slowly beginning to grasp what kind of people I come from. My parents are good, honest people, that hold themselves with an unspoken dignity. I'm starting to respect them more with each day that passes.

After lunch, the bell above the shop door tinkled, signalling that there was a new customer. I had my back to the shop floor, as I was placing balls of wool upon the shelves, just like Pa had instructed me too. I heard my name being called out and I felt my whole body stiffen and my shoulders tense, at the sound of this female voice.

As I slowly turned my head, I could feel myself frowning and I did not know why. Standing at the counter was a woman around about my age. She had long brown wavy hair with a fringe. "Delia? It is you?" She stared at me. Her voice portrayed an element of joy, but her body language told me a different story. I could feel my hands gripping the counter until my knuckles turned white. Why did this girl bring out this kind of angry reaction in me?

She continued to look at me steadily, as Pa returned from out of the back and smiled. "Judith? Goodness, I haven't seen you in years. How are you?"

"Fine, thank you Mr. Busby. I heard Delia was back home and I wanted to see if it was true," _this_ girl replied.

"How very nice of you." Pa then turned to me. "Delia, this is Judith. You two used to be inseparable back when you were in school."

"Hello." I found my shoulders shrugging, as if by their own accord. We couldn't have been that close because I have not heard mam mention her name once to me. I felt as if I needed to be guarded around this so-called friend.

"Hello Delia." She tentatively stepped closer, as Ruffy appeared by my side. With a low growl, he barked causing Judith to jump.

Pa petted Ruffy's head, and smiled. "Now, now boy. You remember Judith?"

I found myself smiling at his reaction. Ruffy was a very good judge of character on first impressions. I did not like her and neither did he.

"It's nice and warm out. Why don't you two take a nice little stroll?" I had to hold back a groan at my dad's suggestion. I really didn't feel like spending a moment longer than I had to with this, what did he call her? Judith?

"I suppose we could?" She shrugged. See, even _this_ Judith person seemed unsure and she couldn't even look me in my eyes.

Before I even had chance to answer, I felt Pa gently nudging me toward the door. "Go on Delia. Just around out by the shops. You two can do a little catching up." He smiled, looking at me with hope. "You'll like seeing an old friend again Delia."

So with Ruffy by my side, I found myself walking with _this_ girl I did not recollect, but if it pleases Pa. I will do it for him.

At first she seemed cordial, making polite conversation until we began to turn down a quiet foot path. She lowered her voice. "You really don't remember anything do you?" She stared pointedly at me.

"You almost sound relieved," I quickly shot back at her. What was it about her that made me want to bristle and keep my guard up. _Had we fallen out?_

"No," she shrugged, but I knew by the tone of her voice that she was lying. "So they say you got knocked off your bicycle?" She then asked.

 _This_ girl was just full of compassion, wasn't she? But the truth was I really didn't know how I lost my memory. It never occurred to me to ask how it happened before and I knew that it was a conversation I didn't want with Judith. "I may have done," I huffed, kicking a stone under my foot.

"That must have been...frightening for you." She glanced at me, before quickly turning away again.

"London seems like a nightmarish place to me. I've never understood why you ever wanted to go there." She shook her head. From her tone and the words she used, it did seem as if we did once know each other.

As she had given me a glimpse of honesty, I did the same. "What I remember of London, and it isn't much... I miss it."

"There are nurses here you know," she trailed off, before quickly uttering; "I was glad when you moved away."

My mind didn't know what to answer first, but my defences reacted to her tone and the words spilled out of my mouth without no thought needed. "Maybe I was equally pleased to be away from you too."

"I'm still with Albert."

I only shrugged. Names don't really mean much to me anymore.

"You used to loathe Albert. Do you remember?" Judith stared at me, as if waiting for a reaction.

"No. I don't."

"He works with dad on the boats now." She placed her hands in her coat pockets, with a long exhale. "It is strange to be walking alone with you again."

If it was such a tedium to be around me, then why did she seek me out? Frowning at her, I tutted. "We're not even friends are we? So why are you here exactly?"

She seemed stunned by this. "No. Not anymore but we were once."

Her brown eyes flickered with something. Remorse? Pity? I could not tell. Gently touching Ruffy on his head I nodded to him that I wanted to go back. He turned with me and I began to walk back to Pa's shop.

"I guess I should walk you back or something?" Judith said, catching up with me.

"Don't put yourself out," I bit at her.

In strained silence we reached the shop.

"Back so soon?" Pa was surprised.

"I feel tired. Can I go home?" I asked.

Later at dinner, mam cooked a large turbot caught fresh by Judith's dad that morning. Apparently the fisherman had sent his daughter back to the draper's shop with his catch, after he had learned she had been over to see me. Mam had a similar reaction to mine, when she heard the girl had turned up to the shop. She dropped the wooden spoon she was holding with a loud clatter and her face was like thunder. It was plain to see she did not like this Judith either.

I told mam I wasn't feeling up to eating any dessert. She stood there rather baffled, just about to cut into the iced cake she had baked. I assured her that I was feeling fine and the day had worn me out. I finally got myself ready for bed, but it took four attempts of trying to put the toothpaste onto my brush. I was eager to snuggle against my pillow. I focused on the red ribbon loosely wrapped around my hand and began to wonder if I would ever go to London again.

 **A/N - _'Bore, 'n glws dydd.'_ \- 'Morning, nice day'. - _'Rhyfeddol._ ' - 'Marvellous.' - _'Melys pys.'_ \- 'Sweet pea.' - _'Da prynhawn._ ' - 'Good afternoon.' - _'Bara lawr.'_ \- 'lavabread.'  
**

 **I hope those Welsh translations are all correct.**

 **Thank you to Steff, for proof reading this chapter. Another thank you for the lovely reviews.**

 **I really enjoy writing this particular story and I am glad it is not dragging on for the reader. In the show I have always thought Delia's recovery was a little glossed over and being a** ** _big_** **fan of Pats & Deels, I wanted to write my own spin on things. Guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't want to over compensate with chapters ****_dragging_** **on. Thank you for still following this. It really brings a smile to my face. More soon. x**


	20. She would hate me

The nice warm weather has turned bitter today and the rain is lashing against my bedroom window. I find it relaxing really. It sounds a little musical. _Drip, drop, drip, drop_. I guess it has sent me into a refelective mood, which is kind of ironic considering I have no past memories.

I have given up trying to force myself to remember my life. I'm fed up with staring at my bedroom wall, willing myself to recall the slightest details. I feel as if I'm balancing on a tightrope; one false move and I would surely fall with no one to catch me. If I'm being honest that isn't entirely true. I have imagined that maybe Patsy would catch me. Stop me from falling somehow. These kind of thoughts have left me somewhat perplexed. They make me feel even more distant from others and I haven't a clue why.

Patsy has been on my mind quite a lot and she has even been in my dreams. It was all very bizarre really. We were wearing uniforms. Both different in colour. Mine being grey and hers being green. But we were eating chips in the house of God, surrounded by unlit candles. My parents, of course attend church every Sunday, but they don't seem overly religious. The mind is a very funny thing indeed.

Mam hasn't been far from my side and I must say that I'm rather enjoying her company. Especially when she sings to me. I find it soothing and curl up beside her on the settee. I like it when she runs her fingers through my hair until I begin to doze. I have been trying with all my might to teach myself how to write again. I desperately want to be able to send a letter to Patsy. There are a lot of things I would like to ask  
her. Being by yourself all day gives you plently of time to think. Everytime I try to hold the bloody pencil it seems to roll around in my hand and ends up clattering to the table. I have lost my temper a few times and may even have said a few curse words but I get terribly frustrated with it. The tiredness doesn't help matters either and seems to creep up on me until I can't keep my eyes open anymore.

Well, there is no use complaining when mam is cooking a steak and kidney pie with extra gravy.

"That just hit the spot love." Pa praised mam, as she was clearing away the empty plates from another delicious dinner.

"Mmm... It was really tasty mam." I attempted to assist her with the tidying, but she placed a hand on my shoulder.

I really wish mam would let me wash up for a change, considering she did all the cooking but she won't hear of it. With a shake of my head, Pa's movements captured my attention and I became transfixed upon the whisky tumbler in his hand. As he rolled the glass back and forth between his fingers, I felt my surroundings becoming hazy. Was I having another Spell?

My head wasn't pounding the way it usually does. That was when I realised I was remembering something. I was recalling an actual memory. My breath hitched when I could clearly see Patsy. Her hair was blonde and she looked breath-takingly beautiful as she was sat perched at the end of a bed. Her head was bowed as she held a small drinking glass, lined with the smallest amount of whisky inside of it. Sweet nurse Patsy seemed to have the weight of the world on her shoulders, as she too was rolling the glass between her long slender fingers. It was as if she had a heavy burden she just wanted to unleash but did not have the words or the courage to.

At the sound of mam's voice, I was snapped out of my memories. The vision of Patsy faded all too quickly as I adjusted my focus back on mam. Her face was etched with concern and I forced myself to smile.

"You feeling all right cariad? Because you gasped, just now." She held my hand and I suppose I should have told her that I remembered something, but I didn't. I guess I needed a moment of contemplation.

"I'm just feeling a little bit tired mam."

"Your cheeks do look pale, melys pys," Pa stated. "Love? Why don't you make her a cup of something warm and she can have an early night."

With a nod, I had to agree.

I rested my head against the pillow, and tried to force myself to stay awake. I wanted to see Patsy again. I wanted to see what else I could remember. The colours in my mind's eye were so vivid. I could picture every detail with perfect clarity, right down to the silk scarf elegantly placed around her shoulders and the pattern of the white polka dots against the deep rich brown of the silk.

My mind seemed flooded with all things Patsy, like a dam had burst. But finally having a memory to call my own had left me with a feeling of loss rather than any happiness. Shouldn't I be overjoyed? This one tiny moment in time was mine and I had it back. A little piece of my past had been returned to me. Maybe this sudden anxiety was simply impatience?

With a loud sigh, I rolled onto my side letting the pull of sleep overtake me. I could only hope this feeling of restlessness would soon pass.

Through my deep slumber, I felt myself begin to smile. Am I dreaming I wonder? There was a sensation and I felt it again, which caused me to turn my head. A feather light touch against my ribs that made me squirm. It felt nice and my giggles became louder. The surroundings were unfamiliar and the room was only lit by the glow of a bedside lamp. The hands moved faster and my back arched when fingers drifted under my white blouse. Who had tickled me? Someone moved closer against me. Hot breath against my ear and that was when I heard it. Patsy's voice. Her tone unmistakeable, as her pitch sounded husky; _'oh Delia.'_ She moaned as her lips pressed against my neck. My whole body tingled as my fingers ran through her soft blonde hair. The feeling that coursed through me as her body pressed against mine, as we rocked our hips together was indescribable. I grasped a hand full of the blankets as I moaned to her; _'P-please touch me Patsy.'_

With a loud gasp, my eyes shot open as I sat bolt upright. It was already morning, and my heart was pounding in my chest. My cheeks were flushed and I could feel heat... down in my groin.

No, no, no. This can't be right. What is happening to me?

I ran my hands through my messy hair, and shook my head. I can't think like this. Tears filled the corners of my eyes as this strange flustered feeling took hold of my body. I opened my mouth to shout for mam, but I stopped myself. I covered my mouth with my hand. I can't tell her what I had dreamed. _No!_ What would mam say? What would she think? Oh. What is wrong with me? I stared at my hands that have slumped in my lap. I am broken. I am wrong. How could I think of my dear friend in this way. My dear nurse Patsy. She would hate me. Be disgusted with me. Disown me. That is when I burst into tears. They just wouldn't stop. I felt as if I couldn't breathe. I needed some fresh air. Stumbling out of my bed I could feel my legs begin to tremble, as I turned the door handle.

That is when I noticed mam as she was exiting the bathroom wearing her red dressing gown. "Cariad?"

"Mam?" I whimpered, arms out stretched like a crying child as she held me. I felt a little safer once she had engulfed me into her arms.

"Have you had one of your spells?" Bless her. She tried to sound strong but her fear could be heard within her voice.

"N-no. I had... a drea..." I faltered. I couldn't tell her.

"You had a bad dream?" She asked relieved.

Tears continually rolled down my cheeks, as I stared at her. I couldn't lie, not to mam. Tell her it was a bad dream when it wasn't. That very notion made my cheeks burn red with shame. As I tried to splutter out some sort of reply.

"Now, now," She hugged me tighter. Kissing the top of my head. "It's all over with now cariad. Just a dream." The way her words were soft and caring, I felt as if I had heard them before. "How about we have a nice cup of milky tea and a biscuit? That will soon have you feeling better."

Once I had washed my face, I joined her downstairs. For the first time the delightful smell of her cooking breakfast did not bring me comfort. I really did not feel hungry. That was when I noticed a letter placed inside of the fruit bowl. I recognized the handwriting. It was a letter from Patsy. My feet became rooted to the spot as I stared at the envelope.

"There you are," Mam turned from the stove. "Well, sit down and get your tea. It'll be cold." She ushered me to sit down with a wave of the spatula.

She placed a plate of biscuits in front of me. Taking one I sighed. The dream wouldn't seem to leave my mind and at the splash of the soggy biccy falling into my cup, my lip quivered.

"Once you've eaten your breakfast. I'll read out your letter to you." Mam told me, as I could feel the sting of threatening tears. "I've seen you staring at it. I'm surprised you haven't asked me about it."

"No," I blurted out. "I don't feel like it just now," I lied. Of course I wanted to know what Patsy had to say. I lived for her letters. Those words written on that piece of paper brought me one step closer to my former life in London. Closer to the girl I was, but how could I sit there and listen to them now? I can't. Not after my dream. The girl Patsy knew as Delia. Her dear friend is apparently lost forever because she would never have had sinful thoughts. Would she?

Breakfast seem to pass by in no time at all, and the little bit of bacon I did manage to force down didn't make me feel any better. To make matters worse, we will be having company this afternoon. Mrs Thompson and her daughter. They are in need of mam's seamstress skills. Apparently it is rather an elaborate evening dress, but if I'm honest I wasn't really listening. My head is pounding with the million questions I am asking myself over and over again.

With a shaky hand, I returned my tea cup to the saucer and continued to stare out of the kitchen window. The rain had gathered into various puddles, making the water ripple with each new droplet that hit it. Part of me longed to step outside into the downpour and let it wash over me. Maybe it would take away these odd feelings. The knock I took to my head must have damaged me more than simply losing my memories.

I must have been so deep in thought that I didn't hear mam talking to me.

"You're quiet today?" She asked, as she set out a wooden box full of different size needles, cotton reels, bugle beads and coloured ribbons.

"Mam?" I sighed. "Can I be excused up to my room?"

"Don't you want to stay and say hello to Helen? You haven't spoken to her in years and they'll be here soon." I could tell she was disappointed with me, but I wanted to be alone.

"Please mam."

"All right then. Only because I don't want you wearing yourself out."

Alone in my room, I could hear the sound of happy voices echoing up the stairs. They all seemed so contented. I wondered if I would ever feel that way again, but deep down inside I knew that it would be impossible for me. I would forever feel alone. I guess the empty feeling inside is something I'll have to learn to live with.

Throwing the blankets over my head, I just wanted this sorrow to leave me. This swirling sense of agony inside the pit of my stomach, gnawing away at me. It felt like an emotional anchor serving only to weigh me down. And the worst of it is, that there is no one I can turn to. No one who would understand. I guess this desolate journey I am on has to be done alone.

I stayed in bed for the rest of the day and I pretended to be asleep when Pa informed me that dinner was ready. I couldn't face mam. Truth be told I was scared. Afraid that if she looked at me closely enough she would guess. She would be able to tell that things just aren't right and I can't lose mam from my life, not when I have lost so much already.

Feigning sleep did not work so well the second time, and mam came bustling in through the door carrying a tray of food.

"Have a nice sleep, cariad?" She smiled lovingly, as she placed down the wonderfully smelling soup.

"Have your friends gone?" I asked, taking a welcome sip of barley water.

"Avoiding them were you?" She challenged.

My eyes instantly locked with hers, but I had to look away. I wasn't strong enough to face her level of scrutiny.

"Well, eat up," Mam sighed. I was glad she let the subject go, as I brought the spoon up to my mouth for a taste of my tomato soup. "Maybe you'd rather hear what your friend Patsy has to say."

All words seemed to have exited my brain at once as I watched mam opening up the crisp white envelope. The spoon I was holding began to rattle against the bowl as the same nervous tremor in my hands I had earlier seemed to return with vengeance. I should have told her to stop; that I did not deserve the kindness of the sweet-natured Patsy, but this was my only link to her. So I selfishly sat there absorbing each word. Her letters always convey so much to me. I close my eyes and like to picture her cycling along the dock at 5 o' clock in the morning. Her kind eyes greeting her patients and putting them at ease. She does work so very hard. Throughout her many letters to me I have noticed certain expressions seem to resonate with me. Stirring something forgotten inside, that wants to spring to the surface. A little phrasing here and there. I don't know. Maybe I am reading in things that are simply not there, but for example, the many different ways she tells me to _'keep warm'_. I can't help but wonder if they hold a secret undercurrent to them. A hidden message perhaps? Oh everything is so very confusing and if only I could write to her myself.

If only I could see her.

 **A/N - Thank you for all the lovely reviews.**

 **A very** ** _BIG_** **Thank you to Steff, for reading this over for me and helping me correct all the little mistakes.** ** _Thank you!_** **More soon. x**


	21. Once a nurse

**PART ONE.**

Every time I close my eyes, I can see her. It's as if she is haunting me. Why won't the vision of Patsy leave my mind? What is my subconscious trying to tell me? I have so many questions without one single answer. I am getting fed up with myself and all my questioning! I am getting nowhere. I'm constantly stuck and it is so very aggravating.

I have been withdrawn. I know it and mam knows it, but what can I do? I keep myself to myself when I can, and when mam tries to ask what is on my mind, I pretend that I'm tired or tell her I am simply concentrating on the task at hand. It's not that I want to shut her out or hurt her. That is the last thing I want, but it's for the best. It's the only way that I can deal with this secret I know I have to keep. A secret I have to keep buried deep within myself. This strange longing for Patsy will forever be my burden alone to bear.

The one little bit of hope I am clinging to is that I have been practicing how to write and I am getting much better at it. So good, in fact I can now successfully write my name. My handwriting won't win any prizes but it's something. Mam was quick to consult the doctor about my progress. He simply told her that it was a sign that my brain is ready to start healing. That notion filled me with dread and hope all at once. One moment I hope I'll never forget is when mam handed Pa the scrap bit of paper with my name doodled upon it. His eyes were filled with warmth and pride, and he held me with what felt like all of his might. All I want is to make my parents happy.

I have almost, begrudgingly may I add, become accustomed to having nothing to do. I find myself sitting around all day feeling idle. Recuperating, mam calls it. She is quite firm, telling me over and over again; _'You need to rest, so you can recover._ ' I suspose she is right, but I do feel terribly guilty sitting here on my bed, notebook and pencil in hand hiding myself away in my bedroom, while she has been up since the crack of dawn cleaning.

With a bite of my lip, I abandoned my notepad and made my way over to the window. Moving aside the net curtain, I sighed at the sight of mam on her hands and knees scrubbing the back step. She does take so very good care of the house, as well as me and Pa. I guess this is one of those times where I need to stop wallowing in self pity and think of somebody else for a change. I need to buck up and whistle a happy tune as they say. Hmh? Actually I don't know if they do indeed say that, but the thought of it has left me with a warm feeling inside. Anyway, I think mam could use a cup of tea and maybe I could make her some lunch. She deserves to be the one spoilt for a change.

"Would you like a cup of tea mam?" I offered, as I approached the kitchen. The grateful smile she showed me confirmed to me that, for today at least I won't be so pessimistic about things. I will not give into all these feelings of sadness. I need to be strong.

"That would be lovely, cariad," she nodded, as she went back to her cleaning duties.

It wasn't until I stepped closer to her that the strong smell of bleach hit me. All my breath seemed to leave my body at once, and I grabbed hold of my head which had begun to pound. A high pitched ringing filled my ears as I stumbled forward in search of something to steady myself.

As I fell into the kitchen table, I sent a plate and a glass crashing to the floor. My temples throbbed and I could hear myself cry out. I then felt mam's arms wrap around my waist. She was trying to hold me up, but my legs buckled beneath me and everything went black.

In the haze of the darkness, I could see her. I could see Patsy. She was laughing. She was happy and she pulled me to her side. Patsy had leaned her face so close to mine that our lips were almost touching. Before I knew what was happening the image was snatched away and replaced with a new one. It was mam and she had a little girl sitting on her shoulders, both mother and child were laughing. Wait? The little girl with the rosy cheeks, I realised was me. Mam was dancing and twirling with me in this very kitchen I find myself in now. I could hear her voice.

It was getting louder. She wasn't chuckling now, she was panicked. _'Cariad.'_

Her voice becoming even louder; _'Cariad... cariad?!'_

With a groan, my eyes began to open and I had to blink away the double vision as I focused on mam.

"Oh thank the lord," she gasped, as she clung onto me, my head safely cradled in her lap.

"...Bleach." The words tumbled from my mouth, and I found myself muttering again as if my mind had a will of its own. "Patsy smells of bleach."

Upon hearing my own words, my voice became stronger. "Patsy smells of bleach," I repeated with all the conviction I could muster.

By the sound of my tone, you would have believed that I had discovered something of great importance, like I had found the meaning to life. Poor mam stared down at me as if I was talking complete gibberish.

"Shush now. You save your strength," she told me, stroking my hair.

It wasn't until I tried to sit up that I noticed I had cut my hand on the fragments of broken crockery. I guess mam had followed my gaze because she winced at the sight of my blood.

"Oh you're bleeding." She inhaled a sharp breath, as she helped me back on my feet, and over to the chair.

"It doesn't hurt too much," I replied, as I examined my palm. "The blood is only light in colour mam, and you know that indicates only a superficial wound." I gave a shrug along with my own diagnosis.

I didn't really give any thought to what I had just uttered, until a wide smile spread over mam's face. Her eyes glistened, like something she held most precious, that had been deemed lost forever had suddenly returned to her. She dropped down the First Aid tin with a clatter, as she wrapped her arms around me.

"Once a nurse..." She trailed off.

I on the other hand, did not share her joy. I may have once been a nurse but _'nurse Delia'_ is still somewhat a mystery to me. And at this moment in time, I'd rather not dwell on her. My head hurts enough as it is.

So once mam had cleaned and dressed my hand with a bandage. I was given a cup of very sweet tea with a nip of whisky in it and a much needed aspirin. For the rest of the evening, I slept on the settee wrapped up in a thick blanket.

The next day, after a lot of hesitation, mam left me under Pa's care. She had made arrangements several days earlier to meet up with some of her friends for a spot of lunch in the village, and I certainly didn't want her to change her plans because of me. Pa wouldn't hear of it either. He was determined that she take some time for herself and I whole heartedly agreed. I may be cooped up indoors, but that didn't mean she had to be as well.

She made sure I had eaten all my lunch before she left and fussed around me, until Pa had to practically march her to the front door.

"I hope mam has a nice time." I said, head down at the table trying to force my brain to remember how to spell my surname.

"Some time with the girls is just what she needs," Pa replied, joining me with his newspaper. "If we're lucky she might bring us home a chocolate eclair."

"Or a nice Welsh cake." I smiled.

Placing down his paper, he continued to smile at me with a bit of a mischievous grin on his face. "Since we have a bit of the old currant bun shining today, why don't we take a walk and stretch our legs."

"Currant bun?" I grinned.

"Yes. You need some fresh air, melys pys."

What I really wanted to say was _'no'_. I wanted to shy away and retreat to the safety of my room, but I found myself nodding. And soon enough we were taking a slow walk into town.

I was rather surprised when we stopped outside of the local pub.

"What are we doing here?" I asked unsure.

"You've been so quiet lately Delia that I thought the company of someone other than me and your mam might lift your spirits."

"I... urm." I faltered, I wasn't sure if I was ready for the company of strangers quite yet.

"You need to be around people Delia. I know you need your rest, but staying in bed all day just won't do."

With a loving arm placed around my shoulders, I felt my resolve crumble as I stared into my Pa's blue eyes. "It'll be a nice change of pace for you, and it might blow away some of the cobwebs as it were."

With my reservations aside, I followed on behind Pa as we went inside the tavern. Low murmurs of laughter seem to fill the large room and smoke hung in the air like a cloud. It wasn't until I inhaled a deep breath to steady my nerves, that the smell of tobacco hit me. The potent smell engulfed my senses with comforting familiarity. Drawing another breath, the now rich aroma filled me with warmth and reassurance. Maybe this wasn't such a bad idea after all.

My choice of seat was one tucked away in the corner as Pa went to order the drinks. I liked the idea of observing the people as they were coming and going. A small part of me hoped that I might be even able to recognize someone. A face might come into view and a lost memory would return to me, but no one was jumping out at me. Noticing Pa return from the bar, I tried to show him my best smile.

"I got you an orange juice." He smiled, taking a seat next to me.

"Thank you," I replied, taking a sip of my drink.

"Bet it feels nice to be among some new faces?"

"Not really." I admitted with a shrug, taking a longer gulp of my juice.

"It will seem like a bit of an adjustment, but one worth making. You mark my words, melys pys." He gave me an encouraging smile.

As I stared up at my Pa, part of me wanted to open up. Ask for his advice or simply tell him that even though it's wrong. I desperately miss Patsy. Or more accurately, what I remember of her. That I really don't want to see anybody else, I only want to see her. Trying to carefully piece together words in my head that could perhaps explain some of what I'm feeling, my mind goes blank and once again I have lost my train of thought. It wasn't until I felt a pain shoot through my bandaged hand, that I realised I had clutched my fingers into an angry fist.

My inner thoughts were broken by the sound of Pa's voice. "Well, if it isn't Judith. Look melys pys." He pointed over to the other side of the room, as I grumbled under my breath.

"Oh."

 **A/N - Thank you to all who are still following this story, and another thank you to those who leave a review. :D  
I just want to give a million thanks to Steff. Even though she is on her holidays, she still found the time to help me with a read through and corrections. Steff you are an editing star! ****_Thank you!_** **More soon. x**


	22. If only she knew

**PART TWO.**

Before I could object, he was calling her over. Part of me wondered if he had planned this. That he somehow knew she would be here, but I knew I was being stupid. It was just a coincidence. We lived in a small town after all, and this pub is everyone's local. I was bound to bump into Judith again sooner or later. I just hoped it would be later. Much later.

"Judith," he repeated.

Judith seemed to flinch at the second call of her name, and for a long moment she just stood there like she was unable to move, before she finally acknowledged my dad with a bright smile.

"Hello Mr. Busby," she said with a wave of her hand. Her reply was almost lost over the noise of the rowdy chatter, and she begrudgingly wandered over to us.

"Afternoon Judith," Pa smiled. "This is a surprise. Don't often see you in here."

"No." The girl shook her head, standing there awkwardly. I will admit, her dress looked rather pretty. It fell just above her knees, white in colour, and was patterned with large red roses. She seemed almost shy, not the forward girl I met just the other week. She self-consciously began to play with her hair, bringing each thick strand to fall over her left shoulder.

"Cousin Alice insisted that I keep her company," she continued to explain. "She's made plans to meet Paul, and didn't want to wait by herself. He isn't a very good time keeper."

"Young love ah?" Pa smiled fondly, turning his attention toward a couple standing at the bar, deep in conversation. I could only assume that to be _'cousin Alice'_.

"Well, while Alice is distracted you're more than welcome to join us," he offered, patting the empty stool opposite him for her to take a seat.

I didn't feel the need to be so welcoming after our last meeting. I still couldn't be sure if she was to be trusted.

"Urm..." Judith pondered the invitation, shifting from side to side slightly as she did so.

"Oh, come on," Pa encouraged. "I'll treat you both to one of those cherry B drinks. What do you say?"

I was learning quickly that my Pa could be quite persuasive, and it was rather obvious that he wanted me to rekindle this lost friendship.

"I suppose," she shrugged, much to my surprise.

After a few more tentative glances around the room, she finally took a seat around the small table.

Pa looked rather pleased with himself, as he squeezed my hand. "I'll get those drinks." He got to his feet, making his way back over to the bar.

We both remained silent. I don't think either of us knew quite what to say. I watched her for a moment as she picked up a spare beer mat, and began to tap it absent-mindedly against the table. Just when I was about to open my mouth to speak, she beat me to it.

"Well, I didn't think I'd be seeing you again so soon."

"Pffftt," I scoffed.

"What?" She questioned. Her brow creased slightly under her fringe.

"I think we both know that you didn't want to see me again." I frowned.

"No. That isn't true," Judith replied quickly, before pausing for a long moment. "I guess... it's actually... urm nice to see you again." Her gaze darted to the floor. "I suppose I shouldn't blame you for thinking that way." She shrugged, her attention still focused firmly on the ground. "I guess I was a little rude toward you the last time we spoke, but you must understand that it was such a shock to see you again. When I stopped by the shop, I didn't think you'd be there. I'd heard that you were bed bound."

It felt odd, being the subject of gossip to complete strangers, but being a small town such as this I shouldn't have been surprised.

A more important question needed to be asked first, before it escapes my mind. The gossips can wait. "Why did you stop by the shop that day?"

She locked her brown eyes on mine with a sudden deep intensity. "I... needed to know for myself how you were. That you weren't as hurt as everyone said you were. And when I saw you standing there... you seemed fine. Normal even."

 _Normal_. If only she knew.

"It was as if nothing had changed." She took a deep breath after that. "I'm guessing it has though. Well, clearly..."

I began to ponder what she had said for a moment. I didn't want the information I had learned to trickle away. To be forgotten. Inhaling sharply, I could feel the familiar pull of tiredness start to creep up upon me. It was quickly followed by a dull ache, that swept across my forehead forcing my eyes to close. I didn't want to sleep, not now. Not here. I refuse to let this feeling cloud my mind.

That was when I heard the meek tones of Judith calling out my name forcing me to open my eyes and bringing me out of my haze.

"Delia are you alright?" She asked, tentatively reaching forward and touching my forearm softly. "Shall I go and get your dad?"

"No," I shook my head, staring down at the small hand still grasped around my arm. "I just get tired sometimes," I explained, as she finally let me go.

"You looked in pain." Judith frowned. "Was it your head?"

"Yes. The pain comes and goes." I mustered a smile. "For the first week or so, all I did was sleep," I told her, relenting on my earlier bite at finding myself in her company again.

Judith fell silent and I noticed she began to tap the beer mat more forcefully against the rickety old table, until she gave a gentle sigh. "You do look pale."

I had to admire her honesty, and of late my appearance was the last thing on my mind. If it wasn't for mam putting my hair up for me every morning, then I'd likely just let it hang down.

"Getting knocked from your bicycle will do that to you." This had been my second attempt at humour, regarding my accident. The first was to Patsy after one of my spells, the day I left for Wales. I remember focusing on her blue eyes as I came round from the dizziness. They looked haunted, and I just wanted to take away the pain she was feeling. Take away the worry I had put there.

The same similar feeling flooded me now, not quite as intense, but I still felt the need to put her at ease. Make things better. Despite what we may or may not have fallen out over in the past. I guess mam was right about my nurse's instinct still being there. Somewhere deep inside of me. Judith looked just as uncomfortable as I felt, and holding onto seeming anger felt somehow foolish now.

My sarcasm must have worked, because she began to giggle. "I guess I really shouldn't laugh at that," she grimaced, her brown eyes still twinkling with amusement.

"No. You shouldn't," I teased.

"And if you don't mind me saying, you have dark circles under your eyes."

"Well, you certainly know how to flatter a girl." I looked at her more closely, questioning her sincerity for a brief moment.

"Sorry," Judith smiled. "I suppose I'm used to speaking as I find. Especially when I'm around you." She shrugged. "After all we did grow up together... We were rarely apart, and when you've spent most of your life with someone like that it's easy to fall back into old habits. I have to keep reminding myself that we're different people now." She sighed.

The weight of her words lay heavy. It was yet another part of my life that was lost.

With a sigh of my own, I answered her earlier question, as to why I might be pale. "This past week... I haven't been able to get much sleep."

"Oh? Is it the... pain?"

Yes it was. Emotional pain.

At my lack of reponse, she added. "I guess forgetting your whole life will cause a few sleepless nights."

The way she said it, I found myself laughing. It was like some sort of cathartic release. Like a small weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

We both started to laugh after that. Maybe it cleared the air. Her laughter was a girlish giggle, that was hidden behind her hand. For a moment I thought I recognised the sound, leaning closer I was startled by Pa returning to the table.

"I must say it's nice to finally hear you laugh again Delia." Pa placed the drinks down, but made no attempt to return to his seat.

"Thank you Mr. Busby." Judith smiled, finally placing down the beer mat she had been holding.

"You're welcome," he replied. "Well, since you two are getting on so well, I might go and have a quick game of darts with Bill. You girls continue talking and I'll only be over there." He smiled, collecting his pint leaving us to it.

"So. Why can't you sleep?" She asked, once Pa was out of earshot, taking a small sip of her drink. She seemed slightly more relaxed now.

"I tend to dream." I really don't know why I told her that.

"I always dream." She began to play with her hair again.

"What do you dream about?"

"A lot of things really."

"Well, that narrows it down," I laughed, as she smiled.

"Sometimes about silly things. Once I dreamed my cat could talk, just like Puss in Boots." She noted my confused expression, and told me a brief tale of the cat serving his master, before she continued. "Dreams can be lovely things. You can be in a world where you won't disappoint anybody." She pouted, and that I understood.

Judith ran her hand through her long hair again, seemingly lost in her own thoughts. It wasn't until I picked up my drink that she noticed the bandage on my hand.

"What happened there?" Judith asked.

"Me and a plate got into a bit of a disagreement." I smirked.

"I'm still always dropping things too. Mum said, there is nobody more clumsy than me. You were always tending to my bumped elbows or bashed knees. You used to say it made good practice." She giggled. "Do you remember that? Oh... I guess you wouldn't."

"No," I sighed, but I didn't want to dwell on that. "So. I always wanted to be a nurse then?" I asked her, intrigued.

"Most definitely," she nodded firmly. "You never wavered, apart from when you wanted to be an explorer."

"I wanted to be an explorer?" I shot her a curious glance.

"Very much so," Judith giggled. "We used to bicker about it. You'd always want to go and find some secluded cove, where as I wanted us to lie down in a field and watch the clouds as they rolled by." She shook her head. "You hated sitting still for too long. You were always looking for the next big adventure. We used to fight like cats and dogs about it, but we always made up..." She trailed off suddenly, and I was sure I saw her blushing.

After a long sip of her drink, she continued. "I do find this all rather strange. Me and you sitting here like this, and you so quiet. I would usually have to fight to get a word in. Or you would have your nose buried in a library book. Reading me facts about nursing and such."

Even though my mind was struggling to take in all of the information, I was starting to get a picture of our former friendship.

"I'm no explorer. Just the thought of leaving Wales fills me with dread."

"Is that why we had a falling out Judith?" I asked her.

My question seemed to startle her, and her hands moved towards her hair again. "I... we..." She faltered. "It's hard to explain..."

I butted in. "Was it because I wanted to move to London? Because you mentioned London the last time we spoke."

"I guess... but it doesn't really matter now."

Before I could push my point further, Pa returned to the table. "I beat Bill with just a couple of throws of the darts," he laughed, with a wide grin. "He now owes me a pint, but I can collect on that the next time." He smiled. "I don't know about you girls but I'm feeling hungry. I thought we could eat some fish and chips on the way home," he suggested. "Your mam will back soon Delia and I don't want her worrying if she finds you're not there."

The next words left my mouth without me even realising it. "We can't eat chips in the street."

"Of course we can," Pa shook his head. "That is what chips were made for, weren't they Judith, and you'll join us won't you?"

"Yes. To both questions," she laughed. "I'll just go and tell Alice that you're walking me home."

Before I could order my thoughts, we were leaving the pub with me trailing a few steps behind Pa and Judith. I could hear them talking about Judith's father and his boat. I could feel my heart begin to beat faster as I tried to keep pace with them. It wasn't that they were walking particularly quickly, but everything around me felt like it was moving just too fast, and my feet seemed to be getting heavier with each step that I took.

"Hmmm. Can you smell that, melys pys?" Pa stopped suddenly. "There is nothing quite like the smell of fish and chips." He squeezed my shoulder placing a kiss to the top of my head.

As Pa headed inside, I was only too glad for a moment to catch my breath. Standing there I began to stare at the shop window and the drawing of a blue fish smiling wearing a top hat that was painted on the glass. With a deep sigh, I could feel a heaviness fall over my eyes.

"It's very nice of your dad to buy me a bag of chips," I heard a voice say, but it sounded muffled in my ears.

"Judith," I muttered, as I turned around to face the girl standing next to me.

She stepped closer to me, but I felt her jump back when another voice sounded. "Dig in girls."

I looked down as Pa handed me a small parcel wrapped in newspaper. I could feel the warmth radiating through the bag, as he tore a small hole through the paper. Picking up a chip, I just stared at it and finally I let it fall from my hand.

 _'Don't forget my marrowfat peas, sweetheart.'_ I heard my own voice speak inside of my head, followed by a reply from Patsy. _'I won't.'_

Yes. I had spoken these words. "Don't forget my marrowfat peas, sweetheart," I repeated out loud, claiming this memory once again as my own.

"Sorry melys pys, did you want peas?" Pa asked, watching me closely. "Delia?" He sounded more firm as I just stood there.

"I won't." I spoke out the very words Patsy had said to me.

 _Patsy._

At the very thought of her my vision started to blur and before I knew it I had fallen into Pa's arms sending our supper tumbling to the floor.

"Patsy." I called out, as he lifted me into his arms.

 **A/N - Thank you for the lovely reviews. Another very** ** _BIG_** **thank you, also goes to Steff. For her time and trouble, and for correcting my silly spelling errors. It's very much appreciated.** ** _Thank you!_** **More soon. x**


	23. One brave girl

**PART THREE.**

 _'Delia?'_

 _'Hmmm?'_

 _'Delia? I think I can see one. Look.'_

 _'Where Judith?'_

 _'There. It looks like a tail.'_

 _'That isn't a mermaid.'_

 _'How do you know?'_

 _'Aside from the fact that mermaids aren't real, despite what your dad has said, that is clearly some seaweed.'_

 _'Are you sure Delia?'_

 _'Yes, you silly Billy. I'm sure.'_

Am I dreaming? How did I get here? No. This isn't right. I must be dreaming, because here I am with Judith. We're both fresh faced, staring out to the vast open sea, past the cluster of fishing boats, trying to guess what secrets the ocean might be hiding. Laughing so hard that our lungs are threatening to burst. Her body coiling closer next to mine, her head resting on my shoulder.

Strange. I don't remember going home. The last thing I recall is being with Judith and Pa eating chips. I was with them, wasn't I? Or did I dream that as well?

Think! Think! Why can't I remember? Please remember, please.

"Is she OK?"

Yes! I recognise that voice. It's Judith's, but why did she sound so afraid? No. She sounded frightened.

I should reasure her, shouldn't I? If only I could open my eyes. Why did they feel so very heavy?

"Delia?"

I heard Pa's voice next. At least I know I hadn't dreamt about where we'd been, but I don't remember walking home.

"Delia? Can you hear me?" Pa asked, desperation seeping through into every syllable he had spoken.

I forced my eyes to open at the sound of his plea, and I tried to focus. I could see Judith. Her cheeks had gone pale and looked to be tear stained. Was she crying because of me?

"Don't cry." I muttered, reaching out my hand to her.

"Delia, try to keep your eyes open," Pa instructed me, as I felt Judith's fingers lace with mine, before I let my eyes flutter closed again.

Then everything seemed to be plunged into darkness. I could faintly hear Pa's voice, but the noise faded until I could see my mam's face. She looked younger, and I could hear myself calling to her. I wanted to make sure I had her attention. This must have been another misplaced memory, because she was watching me with a wide smile as I splashed around in the waves of the sea.

 _'Mam? Mam?'_ I shouted to her, as she waved at me from the beach.

 _'Don't go into the water any further, Cariad.'_ She told me with another wave of her hand.

Why must everything be so out of place? My mind felt so jumbled. Subconscious memories trying to rise to the surface, but I can't think just now. I need to rest. I'm just so very tired.

-

Where am I?

With some effort I tried to open my eyes. My eyelids felt so very heavy as I pried open one eye. To my relief I recognised my bedroom. I was home. With the knowledge I was safe, I was more than ready to let the pull of sleep overtake me once again. I began to adjust my covers when the sound of Mam's raised voice stopped me in my tracks. The volume of her tone startled me enough to make an attempt to sit up. I instantly regretted the sudden movement, as I flopped back down against my pillow and listened.

I could hear my parents discussing me. Pa must have explained to mam, what had happened on our little outing. She sounded livid. Her tone almost frantic. I wish she wouldn't worry herself like this, my seizures have been getting less frequent lately. That can only be a good sign.

"What were you thinking giving her alcohol when she's taking her seizure medication?"

"It was one drink, love and I... I just didn't think," I heard him sigh. "The doctor said she'd be fine after some rest. I just hope Judith's alright too. She had quite the shock seeing Delia have one of her spells love."

"Delia doesn't need to be getting reacquainted with the likes of her," Mam fired back.

Goodness, Judith. The poor girl must have had quite the fright. Being witness to me falling down heavier than a sack of spuds. Though I have to wonder what mam meant by _'the likes of her'_ remark. Could she be referring to the reason behind why me and Judith lost touch?

"She's already having bad dreams. Shouting out about water being in her watch. Delia needs to rest, not out gallivanting. Now my little girl is upstairs passed out..."

I could feel a dull ache across my chest at the sound of mam's sobs. Mam was breaking down, and it was all because of me. I had made my mam cry. I had made her heart ache with all the worry of me. With a sigh, I closed my eyes. Too many questions needed answers, and I felt so weary.

I don't remember much of their conversation after that. The next thing I was aware of was Pa sitting next to my bed, holding my hand. His watery eyes greeted me as I smiled at him.

"Have a nice sleep, melys pys?" He asked, shuffling the stool he was seated on closer to the bed.

With a nod, I sat up. "Yes." I glanced at the clock, with a yawn. "Where's mam?"

"She's preparing supper," he told me, while he helped me prop up my pillow. "She wants to build your strength up with a hearty roast. Not that you'll find me complaining. I hope you're hungry?"

"My stomach does feel a little hollow." I smiled, patting it for extra effect. My smile faded as I asked my next question. "How is Mam? I heard you talking," I confessed, as he ran his hand over his chin in thought.

One thing I've learned or maybe rediscovered by living with my parents again is that when things start taking a toll on mam, she distracts herself by cooking far more than necessary for three people. Though Mrs. Clark a few doors down is always grateful for the food she is given. Behind mam's sharp tongue hides a heart of gold.

"Ah. You heard us, did you?" He smiled, as he bowed his head. "Then you'll know that I owe you an apology."

"Whatever for?" I asked rather astonished.

"Your mam was right, melys pys. You need to rest, and I shouldn't have pushed you into going out. It was too much too soon."

"Not you as well." I gave him a wry smile. I might not have initially wanted to accompany him outside, but he had been right. I can't hide away from the world forever. If I want to truly get better, I have to be around people. I need to push my reservations aside. I have to try. I owe it to myself and the people who care about me.

He firmly shook his head. "No, Delia. The seizure you had could have been prevented. It was all my fault. I shouldn't have taken you into that pub. I shouldn't have given you alcohol. I should have known better. I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologise for. It wasn't your fault, Pa." I reclaimed his hand with my own, "Your heart was in the right place, and you're forgetting that I am capable of making my own decisions, and I actually had a pleasant day." I tried to reassure him.

"Delia I..."

"No," I interrupted. "You were right, what you said back at the pub. My life has become one big adjustment since moving back home, but I have to keeping trying. I know I still have a long way to go, and I'm not quite the Delia I was, but I need the chance to find myself again, and I can't do that if both you and Mam are worried about every little thing I do."

Pa fell silent, and for a moment I wondered if I had sounded too harsh or even ungrateful with my words. The last thing I want is to hurt them, but we can't continue to live as we were. As if we're walking on constant eggsshells, afraid that I'll break. I could feel my own apology forming until he smiled at me.

"You're one brave girl, Delia," he told me, as he kissed my forehead softly. "Though you are a Busby after all and we're made of strong stuff." Pa chuckled, "And your mam doesn't mean to fuss. You're her whole world. From the moment you were placed in her loving arms, she adored you. That woman would do anything for you. She'd walk over hot coals if it meant you'd be spared any pain, melys pys. It's our job to protect you."

Tears ran down my face at his words as I continued to listen. I was once again reminded just how lucky I am to have such devoted parents.

"Ah now," he smiled, as he wiped away the tracks of my tears with his thumb. "I know you love your mam, and this situation isn't easy for anyone. Especially you, but life doesn't give you a handbook to follow. You just have to make it up as you go along, and hope that you are doing the right thing. Just like being a parent. You have to try your best and lead with love. One day you'll understand, Delia. When you have nippers of your own. You'll know what mother's love feels like first hand."

I felt a chill creep down my spine at his words. Children meant being married. Married meant finding yourself a husband. All those things felt somehow wrong to me. How could I have a husband with my difference? How could anyone be expected to know me when I feel like a stranger to myself?

There wasn't time to dwell on the subject for long before we both turned our heads to the door, as we heard voices coming from down stairs. I instantly recognised Judith's voice, and I needed to see if she was all right.

Mam's abrupt tone quickly followed.

"She isn't really up for seeing vistors, dear." We heard her clipped tone echoing up the stairs.

"It sounds like Judith's popped by." He noted, as he got to his feet. "Do you feel up to seeing her, melys pys? She was rather upset when I walked her back home."

"I'd like to see her," I nodded, throwing back the bed covers.

As we made our way down the stairs, I could see Judith. She was stood near the front door, with her arms full. One arm held a bouquet of flowers, the other held something wrapped in newspaper. It smelt like fresh fish to me.

"You shouldn't be out of bed." Mam dashed over to me, wrapping her arm firmly around my shoulder, as she guilded me into the kitchen and into a chair.

"Hello again Judith." Pa greeted warmly.

"Hello Mr. Busby, Delia," She smiled. "As I told your mam, I hope I'm not disturbing you, and I won't stay long, but Dad insisted that I stop by. He wanted to give you this." Judith held out the newspaper bound parcel for Pa to take." He told me to tell you that the haddock has been caught fresh today, and Mum sent you these flowers. Along with her warmest wishes that you get well, Delia."

Mam's expression instantly softned at the show of kindness, as she took the colourful bouquet from Judith. "Thank you, dear, but your Mam shouldn't go spending money like this on cut flowers. They are beautiful never-the-less."

Poor Judith looked as nervous as she had done at the pub, as she nodded to mam.

"They're lovely," I told her with a bright smile.

"Tell Gill, I owe him a pint after this, Judith." Pa waved the pungent parcel around, before he placed it in the small ice box. "Cup of tea, Judith?" He swiftly offered the shy girl.

"I wouldn't mind a fresh brew myself," I interjected, as mam reached for the tea pot. I didn't want mam to scare Judith off before I'd at least inquired if she was alright.

Once the tea was poured, Judith was ushered into the seat beside me with a nod from Pa.

"Love, why don't I help you bring in the washing from the line and leave the girls to talk," he suggested, washing basket already in hand as he made his way out of the back door.

"You be careful with my lace doilies," Mam protested, hot on his heels.

Before I knew what was happening I felt Judith's arms fling around my shoulders, pulling me into a tight embrace.

"Sorry," she muttered seconds later, returning to her seat. "Your dad said you had a seizure, but I didn't know what was happening. You just collapsed right in front of me, and I was so afraid. I suppose that sounds selfish of me, but I was so scared Delia."

The experience must have really shaken her up. The poor girl didn't know what to do with her hands, until they finally found refuge around the warm tea cup.

"I'm sorry you had to witness that." I touched her wrist gently. "A seizure can overtake me so suddenly that it leaves me no time to react."

"Do you feel all right now?" She asked me, while she took a sip of her tea. "My dad always said that a bit of brandy, clears the decks as it were," Judith mumbled, staring down at her tea cup.

Why did Judith always seem so jittery in my presence? What had happened between us in our past to cause such a reaction? I need to get to the bottom of this once and for all.

"No alcohol for me for awhile I'm afraid," I told her, as she finally lifted her gaze to mine.

"Oh? I don't like alcohol much," she huffed. "I tried a sip of my brother's beer once and I didn't like it. It tasted bitter."

"I don't mind the odd pint occasionally."

"Is that what all the Londoners drink?" She asked, with another sip of tea. "I imagined them drinking champagne from soild gold drinking glasses." She shrugged as I furrowed my brow.

"I don't know where you got that idea from."

"From the films I guess, but Delia, who is Patsy?"

I stopped. My whole body seem to freeze as I watched Judith's curious expression closely. How did she know about Patsy?

"Before you collapsed you mentioned Patsy. Who is she?"

Patsy? My glorious friend, who goes above and beyond to help people. Patsy? I had remembered something important about Patsy before I blacked out, but what was it? The information had managed to trickle away like water.

I didn't mean to snap, to sound so demanding, but maybe I had uttered other things. Given myself a clue.

"What else did I say?"

"That is all you said. Only her name."

"Are you sure?" I ran my hand across my forehead.

My parents picked that precise moment to re-enter into the room. The subject of Patsy was not mentioned again by either of us.

Judith was invited to have supper with us, and with Pa's steady flow of conversation she seemed to relax. I could feel mam's eyes on me throughout the whole meal. I tried to tell her that this spell was just like all the others but she didn't seem convinced. With a deep sigh, I turned my attention to the flowers placed on the window sill. The last of the sun's rays shone through the window, illuminating the soft petals on the bouquet. It was the first real smile I had since I had heard Patsy's name. The flowers gave me a sense of home. If only I could remember my London home.

 **A/N - A big thank you, as always to Steff for all of her help. More soon. x**


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